By |

Disney named Halle Bailey, a black actress, to play the lead role of Ariel in the live-action remake of The Little Mermaid. Racists are demanding the scales be balanced with Sebastian the Crab portrayed by Larry the Cable Guy.

Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp experienced outages on Wednesday. Opportunists seized on it to claim they never got the event invite to boring July 4th barbecues.

Joey Chestnut won his 12th Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Championship – and with it, surpassed the FDA’s recommended lifetime allowance of sodium 50 times over.

President Trump’s July 4th speech included factual errors about Americans taking over “airports” in 1776, and when the Star-Spangled Banner was written. Though Trump clearly doesn’t know history, the world hopes they’re spared his having to repeat it.

A magnitude 6.4 earthquake struck California on July 4th, centered 150 miles northeast of Los Angeles. President Trump accused liberal Hollywood of stealing attention from his Salute To America in Washington, D.C.

Japan resumed commercial whaling. Asked what they would do with their catch, Japanese whalers replied “probably something gross.”

Witnesses near St. Petersburg, Florida watched 10 alligators drag a “badly decomposed” human body into Lake Maggiore – kicking off the grand opening of Florida’s newest Old Country Alligator Buffet.

A passenger on Columbian airline Viva Air arrived 30 minutes after boarding closed for her flight from Medellin to Bogota, leading her to angrily smash a gate agent’s laptop. She was arrested and later booked on a different flight to smuggle drugs.

Market researcher TrendForce states 65-inch TVs are the most popular choice in North American households, and 27-inch TVs are the most popular ones sitting by curbs with “FREE!” signs on them.

According to the Labor Department, job creation bounced back in June, reflecting the return of Marvel superheroes brought back to life in Avengers: Endgame.

By |

Google is in court arguing against the Department of Labor’s charges that they systemically underpay women. Google execs deny the claim, saying women there make 81% of men’s salaries, versus the national average of 80%.

The New England Patriots presented Tom Brady’s mother, Galynn, with a Super Bowl 51 Championship ring. She thanked the team and then asked where in the hell are all the other Super Bowl rings her kid won.

The Department of Transportation said that 2017 U.S. airline passenger “bumping” has hit an alltime low; however, passenger “dragging” reached an alltime high.

A burglar who pooped in the toilet of the home he robbed – without flushing – was arrested based on a DNA match from his feces. The woman who owns the home asked the judge for leniency on his behalf, saying that at least he left the seat down.

Vice News reports that President Trump’s staffers compile packets of favorable news stories about him, then give him the packets twice per day. So far their biggest challenge has been finding newspapers and video from the 80s and 90s.

Defense Secretary James Mattis backed up Trump’s harsh rhetoric, saying that North Korea’s actions could lead to the destruction of its people. North Korean citizens countered that the biggest risk to their destruction isn’t nukes, it’s the food they’re eating since economic sanctions went into place.

Disney announced that it will pull its content from Netflix and start their own streaming service. The channel is expected to focus on family-friendly content, with the exception of a drama about Minnie Mouse going to prison.

Oprah Winfrey and Kraft Foods are partnering on “O That’s Good”, a line of frozen comfort food soups and sides. Each soup will cost $4.99 and each side $4.49, allowing a lonely woman to put together her dinner for around $40.

For the first time in nearly 30 years, the Mormon Church has excommunicated a senior leader. Ousted Elder James Hamula had no immediate plans, other than to relax with his 12 wives and however many kids he has.

Major League Baseball announced “Players Weekend”, where MLB players will be able to wear their nicknames on their jerseys. No vulgar nicknames are allowed, so none of the Philadelphia Phillies fan suggestions will be used.

  • Yankees reliever Aroldis Chapman will wear “The Missile”. Asked if it’s because of his 100mph fastball, Chapman said “..uh, sure.”