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A 7-year-old boy in Perkasie, Pennsylvania found a cache of hand grenades in his backyard. The boy is unharmed, but successfully negotiated three straight nights of ice cream for dinner.

The Pennsylvania Turnpike Commission, which no longer uses human toll-takers, said their system of billing users by scanning license plates has left them with over $100 million in unpaid tolls, over $30,000 from a vehicle known only as FAK-PLAT.

New York Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez attended the Met Gala in a white floor-length gown with the phrase TAX THE RICH in red letters on the back. Fashion experts said the gown was exquisite, and her ass looked RICH.

Gay rapper Lil Nas X also attended the Met Gala, then left to attend an orgy, the Meat Gala.

Russian President Vladimir Putin is reportedly quarantining after several cases of COVID-19 broke out in his entourage. Meanwhile, Putin’s COVID-positive associates are being treated with bullets.

Tanya Fear, a British actress who appeared in the series ‘Doctor Who‘, has been found after being reported missing in Los Angeles. Los Angeles Police enlisted the help of Doctor Where.

A 22-year-old woman disappeared while on a cross-country trip with her boyfriend. She was last seen in person on August 23rd, and last seen online August 24th where she Tinder matched with a grizzly bear.

Rapper Blueface faces assault charges after violently attacking the doorman at a California club. The doorman was taken to an area hospital, where he is now known as Bruiseface.

Nicki Minaj was dragged on Twitter for a post claiming her cousin’s friend’s wedding was called off after he received the COVID vaccine and his testicles became swollen. Minaj reportedly had the vaccine in her buttocks and those got really big also.

Apple issued an Urgent Software Update to protect against a vulnerability in its iMessage platform – adding that the iOS download and install is the most important three hours you’ll spend today.

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Disney Parks announced a makeover to Epcot Center – among the changes, a new roller coaster to replace a theater show about energy. Disney assured longtime Epcot fans that the roller coaster will be boring.

McDonalds’ smartphone app crashed on National Ice Cream Day, the same day users were promised a free vanilla cone. McDonalds apologized, telling customers that it isn’t real ice cream anyway.

The bag used by Neil Armstrong to collect moon rocks and dust during his Apollo mission is to be auctioned off. The bag is expected to fetch upward of $2 Million, but good luck finding the shoes to go with it.

Donald Trump attended the final rounds of the U.S. Women’s Open Golf Championships at Trump’s course in New Jersey. He tweeted his excitement that an amateur golfer led the tournament in its final round; since an amateur can’t collect the prize money, Trump figured he could have it.

Arizona Senator John McCain underwent surgery to remove a blood clot near his eye. Said President Trump “I like Senators who don’t get blood clots.”

Caitlyn Jenner said that she’s considering a run for a Senate seat in California, in order to promote transgender rights and Republican values. When asked what that means, she said she didn’t know, but since she’s a woman now, she figures anything is possible.

Jenner’s announcement raises the possibility that she and Kid Rock could both be U.S. Senators — and remember how hard everyone laughed when Gopher from The Love Boat was elected to Congress.

A woman UFC fighter started a GoFundMe to cover expenses to prepare for her September fight, and for her October/November/December concussion symptoms.

Florida police found a man’s stash of cocaine in a Cookie Monster doll during a traffic stop. They eagerly await a search warrant for the man’s Big Bird doll.

Actress  Jodie Whittaker will be the first woman to portray Doctor Who. Doctor Who is a scientist who can travel through time, but will now find a way to be late getting ready for stuff.

Actor & New Kid On The Block Donnie Wahlberg left a $2,000 tip on a $83 check at a Waffle House in North Carolina. Wahlberg says that after the meal, his large intestine was Hangin Tough.

Denver Broncos WR Cody Latimer is under scrutiny for his part in a brawl earlier this year in a Dayton Ohio strip club. Latimer said that he was trying to break up a fight between an bouncer and his uncle, and that he also regrets having a family reunion at a strip club.