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Walmart agreed to pay $45 million as part of a class action settlement after admitting to overcharging for weighted produce and bags of fruit. This will be a huge payday for the 6 customers who actually bought nutritious food at Walmart.

Donald Trump said he would not support a nationwide abortion ban, saying abortion decisions should be left up to the states, and to women he pays to get them.

A Southwest Airlines-operated Boeing jet made an emergency landing after the cover ripped off an engine during takeoff. Now that doors, tires, fuel, and engine covers have fallen off of airborne Boeing jets, a spokesperson said aircraft safety has officially dropped from their Top Priority to Fifth or Sixth.

The Vatican condemned gender-transition surgery, saying the talent pool of cute altar boys is shallow enough already.

Country music superstar Jelly Roll won three times at the CMT Music Awards in Austin, Texas. Less-popular country singer Vegan Roll was shut out.

U.S. lawmakers unveiled bipartisan legislation to give all Americans a basic right to digital privacy – that they’ll promptly waive because there’s no way they’re giving up Instagram & Tik Tok.

Lebron James son Bronny, a University of Southern California freshman basketball player, will enter the NBA Draft and the NCAA transfer portal. Bronny averaged 4.8 points per game, and an average GPA of Incomplete.

Maryland’s Governor Wes Moore said some shipping channels around the collapsed Key Bridge in Baltimore harbor have reopened after debris removal ‘equal to the weight of the Statue of Liberty’. “Great, now everyone thinks I’m fat” said Lady Liberty.

140 guests attended the wedding of former CNN Anchor Don Lemon and his partner. It was the first time many of them were invited to a Lemon Party.

In honor of the solar eclipse, Krispy Kreme is offering the Total Solar Eclipse donut – a glazed donut dipped in chocolate and topped with buttercream and an Oreo. They say the temporary diabetic coma from eating it is just like a full-blackout eclipse.

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Philadelphia International Airport held a pep rally to welcome WrestleMania to the city – both the weekend-long WWE event, and arriving Spirit Airlines flights where drunk passengers grappled with flight attendants.

The man who received a kidney transplant from a pig was released from the hospital and went home, but not before stopping to meet with, and thank, the family of the donor pig that fatally crashed its car.

Research shows people who took a multivitamin for 3 years slowed cognitive brain aging by 2 years. The study found 7-year-olds with three years of Flintstones chewables consumpion had the brains of 5-year-olds.

A bird flu outbreak in Texas resulted in egg producers having to kill 2 million egg-producing chickens. It’s the first time pro-life activists have protested outside of poultry farms.

Some scientists are warning bird flu could be worse than COVID. Although they’re also working on an mRNA vaccine containing the flu which wouldn’t be administered with a needle, but rather by eating McNuggets.

Costco is now selling popular drugs Wegovy and Ozempic as part of a store-sponsored weight-loss program. Although they’re not selling well because they’re only available by the pallet and cost $75,000.

A friend of Tiger Woods claims he’s abstaining from sex while training for The Masters. However, he’s narrowed the field down to 64 restaurant hostesses to be first in line once he misses the cut on Friday night.

Some parts of the U.S. could see cloudy skies during next week’s total solar eclipse, prompting attack ads from the Trump campaign.

The U.S. reportedly authorized more bombs for Israel, as Pauly Shore announced six April shows in Tel Aviv.

Alaska Airlines says Boeing paid the company $160 million as compensation for the required grounding of Boeing’s 737 Max 9 jets. Boeing said they wanted to provide a sum that, like their jets, blew Alaska Airlines doors off.