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Donald Trump is rumored to have lost weight using diabetes drugs like Ozempic or Mounjaro. However, Trump’s doctor said he “has reduced his weight through an improved diet and continued daily physical activity.” Then firefighters were called to the doctor’s office to extinguish his pants.

A U.S. Postal Service letter carrier in Philadelphia was robbed at gunpoint by a man demanding the keys for mailboxes. The robber took the keys and finished his route in half the time.

The state of California is concerned that LA Dodgers superstar Shohei Ohtani is dodging taxes by deferring $680 million of his record-breaking contract. Ohtani is also concerned that he has a structured settlement but he needs cash now.

Cosmopolitan magazine released a special ‘Sex After 60’ issue. It contains 50 pages of ads, and is 53 pages total.

Child researchers say screen time for children younger than two years old could lead to sensory development issues and learning disabilities. The problem is particularly bad for babies sitting in their grandparents lap while they watch Fox News.

A viral TikTok video features a woman claiming to use LinkedIn as a dating app. Then after the dates she endorses the men for skills like Orgasm Management.

NBA star Ja Morant of the Memphis Grizzlies – who’d been suspended for social media videos waving a handgun – will miss the remainder of the season with a shoulder injury. Both the suspension and injury left Morant unable to shoot.

Lawyers for Donald Trump in his presidential immunity hearing offered a “qualified yes” when asked if a president is immune from prosecution for ordering Navy SEALs to kill a rival candidate. Trump explained Joe Biden is President of Al Qaeda.

The World Economic Forum shared their 10-year outlook, saying the world could suffer catastrophic consequences in the next decade, citing climate change, artificial intelligence, and the reintroduction of the Double Big Mac.

Armed men stormed a TV station in Ecuador during a live broadcast and took several station workers hostage, amidst the nation’s battle with drug gangs. Concerned viewers were frightened, but also frustrated at having to wait until the 11 O’Clock News to find out what happened.

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Bank of America announced it’s raising the minimum wage for employees to $20/hour, except for the dwarfs that live & work inside of its ATMs.

Disney planned to preview its new streaming service to investors, promising to deliver fan favorites like Star Wars & Marvel movies, Pixar animated features, and a lot of really old racist shit.

Bed, Bath & Beyond is closing 40 stores – or beyond.

The Food & Drug Administration approved a new treatment for postpartum depression, called ‘two weeks at grandma’s’.

The White House reportedly wanted detained illegal immigrants released to U.S. “sanctuary cities” to retaliate against Trump’s political foes. The plan backfired when immigrants agreed to return to their war-torn countries instead of risking living in sanctuary city Camden, New Jersey.

Julian Assange was arrested after living in asylum in Ecuador’s London Embassy for seven years. Ecuador said it ended his stay because of improper behavior – accusing him of spying, leaving dishes in the sink and not paying his share of the cable bill.

Upstart professional football league XFL may allow two forward passes on the same play, as long as the ball remains behind the line of scrimmage, and provided they’re not bankrupt after starting play in February, 2020 .

CNN reports that actress Lori Loughlin still isn’t ready to enter a plea deal as a result of mail fraud and money laundering charges from Operation Varsity Blues – saying she thinks bribing colleges is something “any mother would do”, provided they have millions of dollars and a daughter who’s an idiot.

Between 1995 and 2015, the number of kids under age 6 treated for swallowing toys, coins & batteries nearly doubled from 22,000 to 43,000. Doctors are concerned about the toys & batteries, but parents enjoy the modest payout from coins found potty training.

Reality star Kristin Cavallari said her on her E! show ‘Very Cavallari’ that her husband – retired NFL QB Jay Cutler – unclogged her milk ducts by sucking her breasts really hard. It’s the hardest Cutler has sucked since that season with the Miami Dolphins.

 

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Former head of Wikileaks Julian Assange, currently holed up in the Ecuadoran Embassy in London, said that his Internet connection had been cut off. Ecuador’s Ambassador is expected to unplug his modem, wait a minute, then plug it back in to see what happens.

Bridgestone introduced their new Tiger Woods golf ball. They’re the exact same balls that Tiger uses, minus the herpes.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un secretly visited China to meet with President Li Xinping, because the last three guys who tried to deliver his Chinese takeout to Pyongyang were shot at the border.

Former Disney Channel star Caroline Sunshine has joined the White House press team. She is expected to give White House pool reporters something else to look at while Sarah Huckabee Sanders is talking.

President Trump nominated White House physician Ronny Jackson to head the Veterans Administration, replacing David Shulkin. A press conference has been called to introduce Jackson, where he is expected to greet reporters, then resign.

Today show host Savannah Guthrie apologized for cursing live on-air. She didn’t realize her mic was live when she said “oh sh*t.” Later on Twitter she wrote “..So sorry guys, Thanks for being kind and understanding. You f*ckers are the best.”

A security gap in gay dating app Grindr is giving its users’ location to more prospective dates than they requested. It’s the first time a dating app plans to charge extra for a security flaw.

Frank S. Page, a Southern Baptist minister and CEO of the Southern Baptist Convention’s Executive Committee, resigned from his post after admitting to a “morally inappropriate” relationship. He declined to mention what the relationship entailed, but his pet goat was not made available for comment.

A new study concludes that single people who had bariatric weight loss surgery found increased rates of marriage and new relationships. However, for married people, extreme weight loss surgery coincided with increased rates of divorce and lost custody of the good snacks.

According to guidelines from the World Health Organization, the average U.S. child’s Easter Basket contains over a month’s worth of sugar, and a year’s worth of middle-aged adult depression from sugar crashes.

A restaurant in Vancouver fired a waiter for being rude to customers. The waiter, Guillaume Rey, filed a discrimination lawsuit, claiming that he’s not rude, he’s just French. A judge ordered Rey to appear in court, and Rey made fun of his order.