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United Airlines is rushing shipments of Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccine. The vaccine has now spent four days waiting for Philadelphia International Airport baggage handlers to move it.

The Pope appointed Archbishop Wilton Gregory the first African American Cardinal in the Catholic church. Gregory has spent more time in rooms full of sweaty, naked men than black Cardinal Ozzie Smith.

Vanderbilt University’ placekicker Sarah Fuller became the first woman to play in a Southeast Conference men’s football game. She would have tried a field goal in addition to kickoffs, but after two timeouts, Fuller was still “almost ready”.

Trixie, the largest whale shark at the Georgia Aquarium, died. The smaller whale sharks are expected to mourn, then eat her.

Website Mashed.com asked readers to name their favorite chain restaurant hamburger, and the winner was Five Guys, followed by In-N-Out. Checkers received a few votes from people who weighed in after being stabbed in the parking lot.

President-elect Joe Biden hurt his foot playing with his dog, and will need to wear a boot on his injured foot, in addition to the boot on his good foot to kick Trump out of the White House.

A report claims Iran’s top nuclear scientist Mohsen Fakhrizadeh was assassinated with a remote-control machine gun – the same one that’s sold out everywhere after being listed in the 2020 Al Qaeda Holiday Gift Guide.

David Prowse, who portrayed Darth Vader in three Star Wars films, died. Following the deaths of actors portraying Princess Leia, R2D2 & Chewbacca, he’s the fourth Death Star.

Joe Biden named an all-woman White House Communications Team. They’ve gotten together once and already aren’t speaking to each other.

The Denver Broncos lost 31-3 to the New Orleans Saints, in a game the Broncos played without any quarterbacks on the roster due to COVID-19. The New York Jets lost to Miami, dropping to 0-10 in a game where they were without any quarterbacks for the third month in a row.

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Science & art festival ‘Maker Faire’ has halted operations and laid off all 22 employees, many of whom can now be seen at ‘Job Faire’.

New York City’s Four Seasons luxury restaurant is closing, after finding diners preferred Five Guys.

An 81-year-old Florida man is suing Jaguar, saying the automatic door on his $96,000 car tore off a portion of his thumb. He plans to take the fight all the way to the Supreme Court of Rich White Guy Problems.

Brad Pitt ordered organizers of the controversial Straight Pride Parade to stop using his likeness in their promotions. Straight Pride leaders are unfazed, having already secured Toby Keith as backup.

Dunkin’ warned customers of its Turnersville, NJ location they may have been exposed to Hepatitis A if they visited the store between May 18 and June 1, or if they ate a Glazed Hepatitis donut.

A Pakistan Airlines passenger delayed his flight by seven hours, opening the emergency exit door before departure, thinking it was the bathroom. He jumped on the inflatable emergency slide and messed up the tarmac.

Justin Bieber Tweeted to challenge Tom Cruise to a cage fight – ideally, to the death of both.

O.J. Simpson said in a telephone interview that he now lives a solitary life in Las Vegas, in what he calls the “No Negative Zone” – he only wants to be around, and murder, positive people.

YouTube superstar JoJo Siwa had her tween make up kit recalled from retailer Claire’s after the FDA found asbestos in it. Besides the mesothelioma risk, the FDA said that asbestos would prevent young girls from looking like ‘fire’.

Celine Dion ended her 16-year residency at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. With Dion’s show ending and Britney Spears on hiatus, Carrot Top has started singing lessons.