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A study finds that a two-shot version of the Johnson & Johnson COVID vaccine is 94% effective in preventing serious infection. Americans are eagerly awaiting the new Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson shots.

The International Federation of Sport Climbing issued an apology to competitor Johanna Farber, after tv coverage of the world championships showed an extended closeup of chalk handprints on her buttocks. Farber complained about being sexualized, and about being called ‘a real handful’.

A study of Tesla drivers finds they become “inattentive” when using their car’s Autopilot feature. The study surveyed 100 owners of Teslas totaled by trees and telephone poles.

Chipotle Mexican Grill is adding smoked brisket as a meat option for a limited time, with “limited time” believed to be the earlier of one month, or ten E.coli poisonings.

Apple is working on technology to detect depression in users. They’ll analyze iMessages to see how long it’s been since iPhone owners got laid.

SpaceX’s civilian astronauts, who spent three days in space on the Inspiration 4, said they encountered problems with the toilets on board – specifically, really old magazines.

Researchers at Washington University of St. Louis say they can determine when patients first show signs of Alzheimer’s related dementia – it’s when they show up for their dementia exam and ask when the movie is going to start.

The search for Gabby Petito’s fiance Brian Laundrie – a person of interest in her death – resumes in Florida. Investigators obtained search warrants in order to floss the teeth of alligators in the remote glades where he may have been hiding.

Western U.S. wildfires are threatening the lives of some of the country’s oldest trees, and driving up home prices for squirrels.

HGTV star Christina Haack showed off her huge diamond engagement ring from fiance Josh Hall. Following marriages to Tarek El Moussa and Ant Anstead, this is her third flip.

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Cris Galera, a Brazilian lingerie model, recently “married herself” outside of a Sao Paulo Catholic Church to preach a message of “self love”. And boy, were her hands tired the next day.

A Michigan man had six kidney beans removed from his urethra after shoving them in the end of his penis for sexual gratification. He’s now okay, but visiting friends refuse to eat his chili.

Afghan women are dressing in rainbow colors to express their displeasure with Afghanistan’s oppressive patriarchical rules. The Taliban calls the women’s futures “rainbow no-so-brite”.

SpaceX successfully launched the first all-civilian crew into orbit, where one argued about masks & the 2020 election, becoming the first civilian astronaut to be duct-taped to their seat.

Walmart is offering a $30 discount for preorders of the new ninth-generation iPad, but is also charging Walmart shoppers $30 if they want to learn how to charge it and turn it on.

Mobile messaging platform WhatsApp is testing a Yellow Pages-style business directory. Businesses won’t need to create a listing, because WhatsApp owner Facebook already stole all the information they need to make it.

Brian Laundrie, 23, is now a “person of interest” in the disappearance of fiance Gabby Petito, after she vanished during their cross-country road trip. Laundrie refuses to speak to police and hired a lawyer, who privately calls him a “guy who probably did it”.

Magician Dustin Tavella is the Season 16 winner of America’s Got Talent, beating out aerialists, comedians, singers and martial artists who got more talent.

Rapper Fat Joe is under fire for lyrics he used in a rap battle against Ja Rule, calling female rapper Lil Mo a “dusty bitch” that Ja Rule found in a crackhouse. Lil Mo objected to being called bitch & crackhead, saying her preferred nicknames are ‘shawty’ and ‘hoochie mama’.

British retailer Marks & Spencer blames the poor European economy and Brexit for its announced closure of 11 stores, in what they’re calling The Oh, Bother, This Is Dreadful News, Isn’t It? Store Closure Sale.