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A small plane crashed through the roof of a Florida home, pinning a 17-year-old girl against the wall of her bedroom. The girl was removed safely, and the plane was led away in handcuffs.

A public interest advocacy group tested wine and beer and found traces of weed killer glyphosate in 19 out of 20 samples. The 20th sample, Coors Light, was mostly weed killer.

An New Zealand woman returned from her Australia vacation to find a spotted python curled up in her shoe. The python had begun shedding its skin during the 9,000 mile flight, so the woman was thrilled to get a belt to go along with the shoes.

A Georgia woman was arrested for disorderly conduct following a rage episode at McDonald’s after being informed of a five-minute wait for an apple pie. She was taken in to custody and photographed in red jail garb reading ‘Caution: Contents Extremely Hot’.

The White House is denying a claim that Donald Trump kissed Alva Johnson, an Alabama campaign staffer for Trump, in front of multiple people without her consent. The White House claims their denial is based on no one remembering Johnson vomiting afterward.

An ‘internet linguist’ advises against using responses such as ‘okay’ or ‘k’ in response to work emails, since it may come off as passive aggressive. Instead, they recommend deleting the email and saying you never got it.

High winds and freezing temperatures caused an ‘ice tsunami’ on the shores of Lake Erie near Buffalo, with walls of ice breaching barriers, knocking out power and closing roads. Buffalo city officials are calling it the worst weather disaster since whatever happened last week.

The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety tested small SUVs’ ‘pedestrian detection’ systems. Honda, Subaru, Volvo & Toyota received the highest scores. The BMW SUV failed entirely, running over the test pedestrian because it was already late for a tee time.

  • All SUVs failed the more challenging, but less strict, squirrel detection test.

Microsoft introduced the Hololens 2 augmented reality headset at Mobile World Congress in Barcelona, demonstrating real-world uses, including industrial equipment repair, medical procedures and group meetings. The headset costs $3,500 and comes with a 2-year subscription to Pornhub Premium.

An unvaccinated five-year-old French boy brought measles to Costa Rica, the first outbreak in the country in five years. “Welcome back” said customs officials to the boy and his measles.

 

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Actress Jamie Lee Curtis told People magazine that she is in recovery from a 10-year opiate addiction. She was originally prescribed pain killers to recover from non-lethal stab wounds suffered during terrible ‘Halloween’ sequels.

Duchess Meghan Markle’s wedding dress will go on public display for the first time since her May 19th wedding, after a fourth dry cleaner successfully got all of the embarrassing stains out of it.

Megyn Kelly apologized for insensitive remarks on the Today Show, regarding children wearing blackface as part of Halloween costumes. Kelly said she got carried away remembering all the candy she got when she trick-or-treated as Donna Summer.

McDonald’s is expanding its breakfast menu, offering bigger “triple stack” versions of McMuffin and McGriddles sandwiches. Head of Culinary Innovation Mike Haracz said the items are a result of seeing customers ‘hack’ the McDonald’s menu — which everyone assumed to mean hacking it back up in the parking lot.

Apple CEO Tim Cook spoke to CNN’s Christiane Amanpour, telling her that being gay ‘is God’s greatest gift to me’. Cook added that it was difficult choosing a greatest gift, since he’s also been blessed with billions of dollars and bountiful underage overseas factory labor.

Suspicious packages containing explosives were mailed to the home of Bill & Hillary Clinton, and an office used by President Barack Obama. Canines were able to detect the explosives because the packages also contained Trump Steaks.

Rumors circulate that Khloe Kardashian and NBA player Tristan Thompson may have finally broken up, as she remains in Los Angeles while he lives in Cleveland playing for the Cavaliers. “Oh no!” said Thompson, barely audible beneath a pile of groupies.

Nina Kroupianova, wife of white supremacist Richard Spencer, filed for divorce, saying that Spencer was physically, emotionally & financially abusive. Kroupiianova said she can’t believe that this is the same loving bigot she married.

PETA is being criticized for their tweet urging people to stop drinking milk, since they claim it’s a ‘symbol used by white supremacists’. “Damnit, they’re on to us” said the Grand Imperial Holstein at a Cu Clux Cow rally.

A lawsuit filed in the San Francisco Bay Area alleges that 263 priests are sex abusers. “Hmm. Seems a little low..” said Pope Francis.

Dozens more breakfast foods have tested positive for trace amounts of weed killer glyphosate, better known as Roundup. Parents are reportedly feeding their kids Cheerios, then sending them outside to piss on dandelions to kill them.

 

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Donald Trump tweeted attacks at the hosts of MSNBC’s “Morning Joe”, saying host Mika Brzezinski was “bleeding from a facelift” during a January visit to Mar-A-Lago. First Lady Melania Trump defended her husband’s tweets, and asked Brzezinski if she used the doctor she’d recommended.

White House Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders also defended the tweets, telling Fox News that Trump “fights fire with fire”..and that he’d have tweeted the fire emoji if he knew how to find it.

The Chicago Cubs visited President Trump at the White House. The last time the Cubs won the World Series, Teddy Roosevelt was President. Hearing this, Trump used the opportunity to brag that he carries a bigger stick.

Senator Ted Cruz posed with the Cubs World Series Championship trophy, finally giving Cubs fans a reason to regret winning it.

The state of California may require a warning on weed killer Roundup after research showed that active ingredient glyphosate is carcinogenic. The study followed dandelions that contracted cancer from Roundup.

  • Monsanto, the makers of Roundup, called the research “fatally flawed”. Monsanto is now hiring a new copywriter for their press releases.

McDonalds restaurants in India’s capital of New Delhi are all closing down temporarily as a result of expiring operating licenses — not because of Vindaloo McNuggets casualties.

Instagram introduced a new tool that blocks offensive comments, and also blocks spam in comments. As a result, Kardashian Instagram snaps have 90% fewer comments, and people may never know how to make money working from home.

#HeterosexualPrideDay is trending on Twitter, presumably because of people who like really boring parades.

City of Philadelphia District Attorney Seth Williams pled guilty to multiple bribery related offenses, thereby ending government corruption in Philadelphia for a few seconds.

An Indian doctor has created “Laughter Yoga”. It’s just regular yoga, where you don’t have to pretend you’re not laughing at the injuries, falling and farting.

The Atlanta Hawks debuted planned renovations to their home arena, including a bar behind the basket at floor level. The Hawks wanted to add convenience for groupies and people who don’t want to watch the game.

Jaguar has introduced the quickest passenger vehicle it has ever produced. At 592 horsepower, it goes from zero to the repair shop in under four seconds.