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Elon Musk announced he’d hired a woman to be the new CEO of Twitter for the two months until she quits.

A former Marine who choked a New York subway passenger to death will face a manslaughter charge. The Metropolitan Transit Authority that runs the subway is concerned this could lead to criminal charges against them for everyone who chokes on the stench of urine.

The Writers Guild of America strike is threatening to cancel the Tony Awards – meaning Broadway performers may not win trophies for performances in plays & musicals written fifty years ago.

One of two male escapees from a Philadelphia prison was arrested in the city, disguised in female Muslim apparel. He was captured without incident, except for his sister screaming that she wanted her hijab back.

A buxom woman appeared to give a lap dance to a man at a Philadelphia Phillies game. The team’s ticket office was bombarded with requests from other men wondering how they could get tickets in the Champagne Section.

ABC announced replacement hosts for Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes after the two were fired for their extramarital affair. Eva Pilgrim & DeMarco Morgan were chosen, after ABC execs concluded the two have absolutely zero romantic chemistry.

A Florida McDonald’s was found liable for second-degree burn injuries suffered by a girl after a hot McNugget from a Happy Meal fell on her leg. A jury concluded the restaurant did not provide safe handling instructions for Chicken McNuggets – including warnings that the product is hot, flavorless and probably shouldn’t be eaten.

A flower delivery service is incorporating AI to write poems on a card for Mother’s Day. Customers are warned to be very specific that the flowers are for Mother’s Day, so the poem doesn’t include “last night was amazing”.

Google Maps is rolling out Immersive View, so you can see full, multidimensional imagery and weather at all of the bathroom stops your wife & kids will make you take along the way.

Vanna White lost to Jeopardy! hosts Mayim Bialik and Ken Jennings during her first-ever time playing Wheel Of Fortune during a celebrity tournament. White admitted she had a hard time remembering letters without being able to touch them first.

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New Zealand banned tobacco purchases to anyone born after 2008. Public schools will have counselors available to help 13-year-olds determine how they can look cool.

Oregon’s Governor Kate Brown commuted the death sentences of the state’s 17 prisoners awaiting execution. Some are relieved to serve life without parole, others are disappointed they won’t ever get that ribeye steak last meal.

Today marks the 10=year anniversary of the Sandy Hook shootings. Or, as InfoWars Alex Jones calls it, Wednesday.

A fan brawl erupted at the Boston Bruins/Arizona Coyotes hockey game last Friday, with one man having the tip of their finger bitten off. The fingertip was located and tossed on the ice in a failed effort to save it.

Good Morning America co-anchors Amy Robach and TJ Holmes have not been together since they were taken off the air for their sexual affair. They’re concerned about getting their jobs back, and more concerned they won’t be shown where to get great last-minute Steals & Deals this holiday season.

China’s hospitals are overrun with new COVID patients after the country loosened restrictions. Worse, patients served Chinese hospital meals are all hungry again a half-hour later.

Researchers determined snakes have a clitoris. “Where?” asked male snakes.

Review website Metacritic released its annual list of the worst video games for the Nintendo Switch console. The Worst Game of the Year was Postal 4, followed by Super Mario Bros Doing Actual Plumbing Jobs.

Patty Jenkins, director of Wonder Woman and Wonder Woman 1984 disputed claims that Warner Bros. studio cancelled Wonder Woman 3 because she walked away from the project. However, Jenkins refused to answer questions while cinched in the Lariat of Truth.

Josie Leinart, wife of former NFL quarterback Matt Leinart, is hosting ‘Women of the League‘, a show where she counsels wives and girlfriends of NFL players. Her first advice is helping the women ask their men why, if they’re millionaires, they have second phones from Boost Mobile.