Elon Musk announced he’d hired a woman to be the new CEO of Twitter for the two months until she quits.

A former Marine who choked a New York subway passenger to death will face a manslaughter charge. The Metropolitan Transit Authority that runs the subway is concerned this could lead to criminal charges against them for everyone who chokes on the stench of urine.

The Writers Guild of America strike is threatening to cancel the Tony Awards – meaning Broadway performers may not win trophies for performances in plays & musicals written fifty years ago.

One of two male escapees from a Philadelphia prison was arrested in the city, disguised in female Muslim apparel. He was captured without incident, except for his sister screaming that she wanted her hijab back.

A buxom woman appeared to give a lap dance to a man at a Philadelphia Phillies game. The team’s ticket office was bombarded with requests from other men wondering how they could get tickets in the Champagne Section.

ABC announced replacement hosts for Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes after the two were fired for their extramarital affair. Eva Pilgrim & DeMarco Morgan were chosen, after ABC execs concluded the two have absolutely zero romantic chemistry.

A Florida McDonald’s was found liable for second-degree burn injuries suffered by a girl after a hot McNugget from a Happy Meal fell on her leg. A jury concluded the restaurant did not provide safe handling instructions for Chicken McNuggets – including warnings that the product is hot, flavorless and probably shouldn’t be eaten.

A flower delivery service is incorporating AI to write poems on a card for Mother’s Day. Customers are warned to be very specific that the flowers are for Mother’s Day, so the poem doesn’t include “last night was amazing”.

Google Maps is rolling out Immersive View, so you can see full, multidimensional imagery and weather at all of the bathroom stops your wife & kids will make you take along the way.

Vanna White lost to Jeopardy! hosts Mayim Bialik and Ken Jennings during her first-ever time playing Wheel Of Fortune during a celebrity tournament. White admitted she had a hard time remembering letters without being able to touch them first.

Movie theater chain Regal Cinemas will close 40 locations resulting from their parent company filing for bankruptcy. Remaining inventory of popcorn will be marked down 75%, to $7/bucket.

Prior to his affair with co-host Amy Robach resulting in their suspension, Good Morning America‘s T.J. Holmes allegedly had sex with a 24-year-old intern in his office. On those days, he greeted viewers with “Great Morning, America”.

A woman’s viral TikTok video said it took her three months before she discovered her boyfriend only had one leg. Her realization came when he suggested having sex ‘tripod style’.

Legendary Philadelphia disc jockey Jerry Blavat passed away at age 82. Blavat, known as ‘The Geator With The Heater’ and ‘The Boss With The Hot Sauce’ will be memorialized as soon as his family figures out what rhymes with ‘The Cadaver..”.

For the third time in as many years, hackers obtained the personal information of tens of millions of T-Mobile customers. T-Mobile said the threat is now contained, because every customer has had their data stolen.

Republican Congressman George Santos denied performing as a drag queen in Brazil, despite a photo appearing to show him in drag. Santos then took credit for his undercover work taking down a transgender drug ring operating out of Rio de Janeiro.

The family of a 6-year-old boy who shot his teacher at a Virginia elementary school is speaking out for the first time, saying “the gun was secured”. However, they admit locking it in a Paw Patrol lunchbox wasn’t the best idea.

A Utah woman claims she ‘accidentally’ married her cousin, and had a baby with him. She claims marrying her cousin was an accident despite 75 guests at their wedding receiving two invitations.

Tennis star Andy Murray was furious after being denied a second bathroom break before the fifth set of his eventual victory at the Australian Open, which took over five hours. “Yeah, we’re not cleaning that up” said the ballboys & ballgirls.

Pizza Hut is attempting to set the world record for largest pizza, measuring 14,001-square-feet, inside the Los Angeles Convention Center. They plan to deliver 68,000 slices to area food banks, where food-insecure Angelenos will throw away 500 linear feet of crust.