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Elon Musk announced he’d hired a woman to be the new CEO of Twitter for the two months until she quits.

A former Marine who choked a New York subway passenger to death will face a manslaughter charge. The Metropolitan Transit Authority that runs the subway is concerned this could lead to criminal charges against them for everyone who chokes on the stench of urine.

The Writers Guild of America strike is threatening to cancel the Tony Awards – meaning Broadway performers may not win trophies for performances in plays & musicals written fifty years ago.

One of two male escapees from a Philadelphia prison was arrested in the city, disguised in female Muslim apparel. He was captured without incident, except for his sister screaming that she wanted her hijab back.

A buxom woman appeared to give a lap dance to a man at a Philadelphia Phillies game. The team’s ticket office was bombarded with requests from other men wondering how they could get tickets in the Champagne Section.

ABC announced replacement hosts for Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes after the two were fired for their extramarital affair. Eva Pilgrim & DeMarco Morgan were chosen, after ABC execs concluded the two have absolutely zero romantic chemistry.

A Florida McDonald’s was found liable for second-degree burn injuries suffered by a girl after a hot McNugget from a Happy Meal fell on her leg. A jury concluded the restaurant did not provide safe handling instructions for Chicken McNuggets – including warnings that the product is hot, flavorless and probably shouldn’t be eaten.

A flower delivery service is incorporating AI to write poems on a card for Mother’s Day. Customers are warned to be very specific that the flowers are for Mother’s Day, so the poem doesn’t include “last night was amazing”.

Google Maps is rolling out Immersive View, so you can see full, multidimensional imagery and weather at all of the bathroom stops your wife & kids will make you take along the way.

Vanna White lost to Jeopardy! hosts Mayim Bialik and Ken Jennings during her first-ever time playing Wheel Of Fortune during a celebrity tournament. White admitted she had a hard time remembering letters without being able to touch them first.

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A surge in COVID cases in Beijing has been traced to the Heaven Supermarket bar, a 24-hour bar known for cheap drinks and huge crowds. Chinese officials announced Heaven is in lockdown.

The average U.S. price for a gallon of gasoline topped $5.00 for the first time. It’s so expensive, drivers attending Dead & Company shows have eliminated ‘ass’ & ‘grass’ as payment options for those wishing to ride along.

Donald Trump’s former campaign manager Bill Stepien cancelled his testimony before the January 6th Committee hearings because of a “family emergency” – reportedly, his wife going into labor because, reportedly, Trump induced labor with a million dollars.

Shameka Morris, a young mom in Florida, is being criticized online for covering her one-year-old son’s entire body in temporary tattoos. The toddler is also being criticized for not wearing a shirt at day care while starting a Big Wheel gang there.

A fisherman gutted a large catfish he’d caught in the Ohio River and discovered the fish had swallowed a dildo. Days later, fishermen standing waist-deep in the Ohio River are wondering what ever happened to their favorite catfish.

19-year-old Katie Feeney is the NFL Washington Commanders first-ever social media coordinator. She plans future posts where former Commanders cheerleaders give her tips on dealing with inevitable sexual harassment.

Britney Spears said she danced in a “diamond thong” during her wedding reception. A gemologist inspecting the diamonds downgraded them from ‘flawless’ to ‘kinda gross’.

Christina Aguilera performed at the LA Pride celebration wearing a sparking green strap on dildo. Asked where she got it, she said there were bunch of them in the Lost & Found after the Pride Parade.

Broadway’s Tony Awards were handed out Sunday night, honoring the creative pioneers who turn cartoons, movies and older Broadway plays into recycled spectacles seen by a fraction of one percent of the population.

Rapper The Game said he was hurt that Dr Dre didn’t ask him to join last year’s Super Bowl Halftime show with Eminem, Snoop & Mary J Blige. Dre deflected, saying he didn’t ask because he’s The Game, not The Halftime.

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Tennis champion Maria Sharapova is pregnant. If you think the noise she makes when she hits a backhand is loud, just wait a few months.

NASA scientists discovered ‘micronovas’, the smallest thermonuclear blasts. They also call ‘micronovas’ the brightest ideas shared by the dumbest people who still work at NASA.

Veterinarians warn they’re seeing more cases of domestic animals eating their owner’s cannabis edibles. The pets recover in a couple days, but it’s hard getting the service dogs back to work after lying on the sofa watching the Doctor Who marathon.

Netflix – which lost over 30% of its value after posting a decline in subscribers – is considering launching an ad-supported version. And by “ads” they mean “adding porn”.

A boy in Brazil was born with two penises, and doctors had to remove the larger one because it couldn’t urinate. His parents sued the surgeon because the child was dismembered.

California police are allegedly playing copyrighted Disney music while on duty, so that the company will take down the videos if they’re posted by concerned citizens. No statement has been made from Disney about a supercut of cops shooting unarmed teenagers to ‘Whistle While You Work’.

A Swiss developer is building a 328-foot tall residential tower from timber – the world’s tallest. The condo association has already rejected dozens of applications filed by families of termites.

Thursday is the first day for legal recreational marijuana sales in New Jersey. New Jersey is also the only place you’ll find the exclusive Roy Rogers strain.

Following the Oscars slap incident, Broadway’s Tony Awards instituted a ‘No Violence’ policy, which, in effect, removes the last reason anyone had for wanting to watch the Tony Awards.

The Masked Singer aired the episode revealing Rudy Giuliani as Jack In The Box singing ‘Bad To The Bone’. He, of course, sucked, but stuck around long enough to announce his plan to expose Jenny McCarthy’s voter fraud resulting in Jewel’s win last season.

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Amazon is under fire for what a watchdog group called “deplorable conditions” at a China factory that makes Amazon Echo smart speakers. It’s so bad, that when workers ask Alexa what time it is, she says “time to shut up and get back to work.”

Three people reportedly broke into Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos’ Beverly Hills home. Police say nothing was stolen, but the burglars each received emails that the items they wanted had shipped.

Before introducing Bruce Springsteen at Sunday’s Tony Awards, Robert De Niro told the audience “F*ck Trump”. Watching at home, Melania Trump told her assistant “this is why I didn’t go to Singapore.”

ABC’s attempts to reboot ‘Roseanne’ without Roseanne Barr have apparently stalled, because Barr owns the rights to some characters on the show. Casting executives are now looking for unfunny overweight dopes who can’t act and appeal to racists; Larry the Cable Guy is on his way to Los Angeles.

President Trump arrived in Singapore a day early for his planned summit with Kim Jong Un. Un is staying at the St Regis Singapore, Trump’s base of operations is still being finalized using the ‘Find A Location’ function at McDonalds.com.

KFC is reportedly testing “chicken-like vegetarian options” at its United Kingdom locations. KFC said this isn’t the first time they’ve offered non-chicken options, citing the rodents they serve in the U.S.

Kylie Jenner deleted all social media photos of her infant daughter Stormi, as Stormi’s infant lawyer seeks compensation from her mother in addition to feedings.

Net Neutrality officially ends today, June 11th. Your estimated hold time to speak with  Comcast/Xfinity customer service about your slow broadband connection is incalculable.

Porsche’s first all-electric car will go on sale for $80,000-90,000 and will be called the Taycan, German slang for ‘you can’t afford it’.

An American Society for Microbiology study showed that kitchen towels contain high levels of bacteria that cause food poisoning. Experts recommend washing towels in hot water for at least 20 minutes before eating them.