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The City of Philadelphia is changing all of its street lights to high-efficiency LED technology, following thousands of complaints from residents who couldn’t see who they were shooting or what car they were jacking.

A 35-year-old Indiana woman died of water toxicity after drinking too much water while on vacation – making one more public relations black eye for Dasani.

A tornado made landfall on Cape Cod earlier in the week – confirmed as a Category EF1, or, according to locals, a Wicked Twistah.

A 65 year old. woman suffered severe leg injuries after being bitten by a shark at New York’s Rockaway Beach. Officials blame warmer water temperatures, and sharks evolving taste for dry aged meat.

Los Angeles municipal workers joined hotel employees, actors, and writers on strike. So that’s pretty much everybody.

Rapper Tory Lanez was sentenced to 10 years in prison for shooting Megan Thee Stallion. She showed her approval for the stiff sentence by clomping her hoof once.

An umpire called up from Triple-A to work first base during Game 1 of a Phillies/Nationals doubleheader had 3 calls overturned by manager challenges. Major League Baseball announced he’s being promoted to Crew Chief.

The Made In America music festival in Philadelphia was cancelled by organizers, citing “severe circumstances outside of production control”. Although insiders say headliner Lizzo had fat-shamed a Benjamin Franklin impersonator, Gritty, and the Phillie Phanatic.

A United States nurse working in Haiti has been released by Haitian gang members who’d kidnapped her & her daughter. She’s thankful to be free and looking forward to being kidnapped in someplace a lot nicer.

Burger King announced a $400 million turnaround plan to reverse declining customer visits – $250 million in restaurant renovations, $150 million in advertising and digital app development, and $0 on the food.

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$15 million in counterfeit currency was seized in Philadelphia. In the meantime, merchants are warned to be on the lookout for suspicious bills with pictures of Gritty or Nick Foles.

Subway plans to open 4,000 stores in China, making it the country’s second-biggest pandemic of the decade.

An audit of New York City police finds up to 25% of stops made by the city’s new anti-crime team were unlawful. However, the anti-crime team has an above-average success rate getting dates with attractive women during searches.

Taylor Swift was spotted at an Arkansas bar with Los Angeles Lakers guard Austin Reaves following her breakup with The 1975 frontman Matty Healy. The hookup with Reaves is surprising, since he’s not great at getting rebounds.

Pope Francis was hospitalized for abdominal surgery. Seems that years of covering up for child molesters finally made him sick to his stomach.

The 24-year-old assistant to DJ Paul Oakenfold is suing him for sexual harassment, saying he masturbated in front of her four times in a single day. Oakenfold claims he just can’t stop the beat.

Air quality in New York City is now among the world’s worst as smoke from Canadian wildfires engulfs the area. Although some residents are cancelling vacations because now they can stay home and get the smell of piss on a campfire.

America’s Got Talent judge Simon Cowell gave a ‘Golden Buzzer’ – a pass to the semi-finals – to blind singer-songwriter Putri Ariani, calling her one of the best singers ever to perform on the show. This was great news for Ariani, but a tough break for one-legged stand-up comedian Hops McGee, who followed her.

North Dakota Governor Doug Burgum announced he’s seeking the Republican nomination for President in 2024. “Who?” said residents of North Dakota.

Starting June 12th, McDonald’s will introduce a new limited-time meal honoring Grimace’s birthday. It’ll turn customer’s faces purple after they choke on it.

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The FAA is considering keeping travelers from bringing emotional support animals into the cabin during air travel. They would continue to allow boarding for emotional hostility animals, also known as passengers.

A new study claims consumption of soybean oil contributes to diabetes, obesity and genetic changes in the brain. “So?” said overweight transsexuals.

Utah outlawed gay conversion therapy for children – telling parents they’re better off saving up and trying it when the kids are older.

Coca-Cola representatives attending the World Economic Forum said they’ll continue to use resealable plastic bottles, because their customers insist on drinking really fizzy – then really flat – soda out of them.

A woman on a Spirit Airlines flight accused a fellow passenger of assault, saying a man in the adjacent seat put his hands down the back of her pants while she slept. The man said he asked a flight attendant for a blanket to warm his hands, but since it was Spirit Airlines, the flight attendant said ‘no’ and told him to improvise.

President Trump dismissed reports of U.S. military personnel suffering traumatic head injuries and concussions from Iran’s missile strike on a U.S. base, calling them “headaches”. Trump said he’d “seen worse”, but that he “didn’t watch football anymore.”

A Philadelphia Flyers season ticket holder claims Gritty, the team’s mascot, punched his teen son in the back at a team event. Team officials dispute the claim, but added if the kid didn’t punch back, he can’t be of much use to the Philadelphia Flyers.

Netflix executives say that, despite investor pressure to raise revenue, they won’t be airing ads during Netflix programming. Viewers say they don’t want ads either, and that they already time bathroom breaks during buffering.

Planters plans to kill off its longtime mascot, the monocled Mr. Peanut, during a Super Bowl ad. The ad – where Mr. Peanut falls to his death – replaced a more controversial version where he choked to death on his own nuts.

Retailer Gamestop declared bankruptcy. They petitioned a judge to blow the dust out of their old, massive debt and restart.