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A new study from Arizona State University finds alligators can regrow severed tails, leading other scientists to question how in the hell alligators got to Arizona State.

The U.S. Department of Transportation ruled airlines can ban emotional support animals from flights – especially if they’re drunk.

In South Korea, high-school students spent Thursday taking the 9-hour-long national college entrance exam. Meanwhile, in Mississippi, students completing 9 hours of classroom work received their high school diplomas.

Former Presidents George Bush, Barack Obama & Bill Clinton say they’ll all receive COVID-19 vaccines publicly to instill public faith in them – though Clinton asked if he could see what the nurse looked like first.

3M is cutting 2,900 jobs. That’s according to a Post-It the CEO stuck on his desk to remind him.

Some Amazon customers in the U.K. who ordered Playstation 5 consoles received shipments of cat food instead. Investigators found the PS5s were stolen in an elaborate scheme involving warehouse workers and cats sitting on laptops.

Following his statement that the Department of Justice did not find election fraud, Attorney General William Barr and Donald Trump had a “contentious” White House meeting, because Barr insisted on eating something other than a Big Mac.

A U.S. Labor Board claims Google illegally spied on protesting workers before firing them. The workers said they found out when their Google Calendars added an event ‘Put Your Personal Belongings In A Cardboard Box’.

Lon Adams, who developed the recipe for Slim Jims, died at age 95 of COVID-19 complications, although arterial buildup of Slim Jim goop wasn’t doing him any favors, either.

Reno, Nevada set up a COVID-19 treatment unit in a parking garage. At least a dozen drivers have been circling for hours waiting for a ventilator to open up.

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The FAA is considering keeping travelers from bringing emotional support animals into the cabin during air travel. They would continue to allow boarding for emotional hostility animals, also known as passengers.

A new study claims consumption of soybean oil contributes to diabetes, obesity and genetic changes in the brain. “So?” said overweight transsexuals.

Utah outlawed gay conversion therapy for children – telling parents they’re better off saving up and trying it when the kids are older.

Coca-Cola representatives attending the World Economic Forum said they’ll continue to use resealable plastic bottles, because their customers insist on drinking really fizzy – then really flat – soda out of them.

A woman on a Spirit Airlines flight accused a fellow passenger of assault, saying a man in the adjacent seat put his hands down the back of her pants while she slept. The man said he asked a flight attendant for a blanket to warm his hands, but since it was Spirit Airlines, the flight attendant said ‘no’ and told him to improvise.

President Trump dismissed reports of U.S. military personnel suffering traumatic head injuries and concussions from Iran’s missile strike on a U.S. base, calling them “headaches”. Trump said he’d “seen worse”, but that he “didn’t watch football anymore.”

A Philadelphia Flyers season ticket holder claims Gritty, the team’s mascot, punched his teen son in the back at a team event. Team officials dispute the claim, but added if the kid didn’t punch back, he can’t be of much use to the Philadelphia Flyers.

Netflix executives say that, despite investor pressure to raise revenue, they won’t be airing ads during Netflix programming. Viewers say they don’t want ads either, and that they already time bathroom breaks during buffering.

Planters plans to kill off its longtime mascot, the monocled Mr. Peanut, during a Super Bowl ad. The ad – where Mr. Peanut falls to his death – replaced a more controversial version where he choked to death on his own nuts.

Retailer Gamestop declared bankruptcy. They petitioned a judge to blow the dust out of their old, massive debt and restart.

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The Producers Guild of America approved guidelines for combating sexual harassment in the entertainment industry. The guidelines ask that each production be vigilant in preventing harassment, that whistleblowers be protected, and that producers keep their whistles in their pants.

Delta Airlines says they’re cracking down on passengers’ emotional support animals; this, following a mid-flight argument between a flight attendant and a pug who wanted the whole can of Alpo.

  • United Airlines says they’re also cracking down on animal companions; only by ‘cracking down’ United means they’re breaking the animal in to pieces and sending it on to baggage claim with no further explanation.

Cape Town could be the first major city in the world to run out of water. Residents must limit their showers to one-and-a-half minutes. “No problem!” said Cape Town men who like to have sex in the shower.

Singer Ed Sheeran announced that he was secretly engaged. Fiancee Cherry Seaborn announced that she secretly called it off.

Former ‘Jersey Shore’ star Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino arrived in a New Jersey court to plead guilty to tax evasion. He’ll film a ‘Jersey Shore’ reunion before returning to court as Mike ‘Five Years In The Joint’ Sorrentino.

Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West named their new baby daughter ‘Chicago’ — leaving pregnant sisters Kylie and Khloe to duke it out between ‘Detroit’ and ‘Cleveland’.

Baltimore Mayor Catherine Pugh fired the crime-ridden city’s Police Commissioner Kevin Davis. Davis was reportedly given just a few minutes at his office to clean out his unregistered guns and bribes.

A new Boston University study concludes that chronic brain disease CTE isn’t caused by concussions, but rather by repeated hits to the head, even without concussion. The study authors warn parents to be vigilant looking for CTE symptoms in children who are athletes, or frequent noogie recipients.

President Trump, addressing the ‘March for Life’ event, called on the U.S. Senate to outlaw abortions after 20 weeks.  “Sure, if that includes your term” said Democratic Senators, in what observers of burns are calling ‘a layup’.

Congress was unable to avert a U.S. Government Shutdown. Callers to the White House received this voice message: “”Unfortunately, we cannot answer your call today because Congressional Democrats are holding govt. funding, including funding for our troops and other national security priorities, hostage to an unrelated immigration debate. Oh, and if this is Grubhub ask the guards to take the Big Macs inside.”