Planet Fitness is offering free memberships to teens this summer. Teens are welcome to get in shape, or to bully overweight paying members while they eat free pizza.

Google is adding its Bard artificial intelligence tool to search results, to address “questions you never thought Search could answer”. So far, Bard has been bom-bard-ed with “Why is my wife mad at me?”

A couple in the UK is raising their kids with ‘child autonomy’ – where the children make their own choices for schooling, food, bed times & chores. They say it’s cheaper because none of the kids has made it past age six.

Joran van der Sloot, convicted of murder in Peru, will be extradited to the U.S. to face charges in the disappearance of Natalie Holloway in 2005. He will return to Peru after his U.S. trial, breaking a record for airline miles earned by a double-murderer.

Gen Z women are embracing the ‘everything shower’, where they take hours-long showers to do all of their personal grooming. Then they lie flat for several hours waiting for their skin to unpucker before hiding when their parents get the water bill.

Amazon is debuting free Fire TV channels – to the delight of cheapskate seniors, which quickly switches to frustration when they realize they need a wifi password to watch old Andy Griffith Shows.

The Philadelphia Flyers named former enforcer Keith Jones as Director of Hockey Operations. Jones promised to return the team to playoff caliber, and to personally beat up anyone who disagrees with him.

An Australian vegan family has gone viral for their letter to a neighbor, where they ask to keep the windows closed when they cook meat because it makes them ill. The family then drove past an Arby’s and are in critical condition after multiple seizures.

A new study claims cannabis use is implicated in 30% of schizophrenia cases. The other 70% are trying to find out where the 30% get their weed.

Bravo host Andy Cohen asked The View co-host Sunny Hostin which of the panelists farts the most on-air. Hostin quickly replied Whoopi Goldberg, but also added Goldberg is nowhere near Rosie O’ Donnell’s record totals.

The FAA is considering keeping travelers from bringing emotional support animals into the cabin during air travel. They would continue to allow boarding for emotional hostility animals, also known as passengers.

A new study claims consumption of soybean oil contributes to diabetes, obesity and genetic changes in the brain. “So?” said overweight transsexuals.

Utah outlawed gay conversion therapy for children – telling parents they’re better off saving up and trying it when the kids are older.

Coca-Cola representatives attending the World Economic Forum said they’ll continue to use resealable plastic bottles, because their customers insist on drinking really fizzy – then really flat – soda out of them.

A woman on a Spirit Airlines flight accused a fellow passenger of assault, saying a man in the adjacent seat put his hands down the back of her pants while she slept. The man said he asked a flight attendant for a blanket to warm his hands, but since it was Spirit Airlines, the flight attendant said ‘no’ and told him to improvise.

President Trump dismissed reports of U.S. military personnel suffering traumatic head injuries and concussions from Iran’s missile strike on a U.S. base, calling them “headaches”. Trump said he’d “seen worse”, but that he “didn’t watch football anymore.”

A Philadelphia Flyers season ticket holder claims Gritty, the team’s mascot, punched his teen son in the back at a team event. Team officials dispute the claim, but added if the kid didn’t punch back, he can’t be of much use to the Philadelphia Flyers.

Netflix executives say that, despite investor pressure to raise revenue, they won’t be airing ads during Netflix programming. Viewers say they don’t want ads either, and that they already time bathroom breaks during buffering.

Planters plans to kill off its longtime mascot, the monocled Mr. Peanut, during a Super Bowl ad. The ad – where Mr. Peanut falls to his death – replaced a more controversial version where he choked to death on his own nuts.

Retailer Gamestop declared bankruptcy. They petitioned a judge to blow the dust out of their old, massive debt and restart.

Melania Trump tweeted a photo holding a shovel to break ground on a new White House tennis pavilion, after consulting Joe Biden to see if he plays tennis.

  • It’s part of Melania’s ‘Be Best Backhand’ initiative.

Three male scientists shared the Nobel Prize for Chemistry for inventing lithium-ion batteries. They came up with the idea when their bored, disinterested wives were each spending $200 a month on Duracells for their vibrators.

Philadelphia City Schools are offering free head lice screenings to teachers and school nurses, though it’s expected that half the lice in Philly schools will just drop out.

Johnson & Johnson must pay $8 billion in damages for failing to warn users its antipsychotic drug, Risperdal, caused gynecomastia – a condition causing men to grow enlarged breasts. The judgment is being called the world’s most expensive boob job. [ Story & joke submitted & guest-written by reader J.O !! ]

McDonald’s launched a McRib Locator website to help customers find participating locations serving the sandwich, and to help families of dangerously obese people avoid them.

The Philadelphia Flyers opened a rage room, where hockey fans can pay to go in a room during games and break things.  The Philadelphia Philles say they considered it, but decided to let fans keep using their living rooms.

The New York City townhome where The Cars frontman Ric Ocasek passed away is back on the market, listed at $13.9 million – an amount his surviving wife Paulina Porizkova described as “just what I needed”.

Robert Downey Jr. told Howard Stern he doesn’t want an Oscar nomination for Avengers: Endgame, telling studio publicists “let’s not”. Downey said he was inspired by the late Jim Varney saying “let’s not” to an Oscar campaign for ‘Ernest Goes to Jail’.

New research spanning 70 years finds having a dog lowers your risk of dying by 24 percent. The study followed everyone except infants and toddlers living with pit bulls.