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A critic attending the Glastonbury Music Festival in England last week controversially called Guns N Roses performance “the worst Glastonbury headlining set ever”..adding “…and I was there for Bananarama ’88”.

The Federal Government awarded $80 million to Philadelphia mass transit provider SEPTA to eliminate emissions from all SEPTA buses – not counting emissions from the riders masturbating on them.

Department of Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg said some delays in July 4th air travel may be experienced if passenger jets have not yet upgraded to 5G communication. That’s because pilots only want aircraft where they can text & fly.

New Jersey is attempting to attract more public school teachers by eliminating the in-state residency requirement. Mississippi is doing the same, while also eliminating the literacy requirement.

The producers of Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse admitted they secretly distributed multiple versions of the film in theaters. Moviegoers aren’t thrilled to find out that at least two versions are The Flash.

Messaging app startup ‘IRL’ will be shut down after investors determined 95% of its registered users are fake. They consider 6-7% to be the success threshold for real users, matching the statistics of Twitter.

The Inspector General found “significant evidence” of misconduct at the prison where Jeffrey Epstein died – finding that suicide watch supervision was inadequate, and that guards should not have been giving merit badges to prisoners for knot-tying.

Stanford University researchers claim to have identified a new type of clinical depression, which impacts 27% of those diagnosed with depression and is not treatable with antidepressants. It is, however, treatable with a visit to Planned Parenthood.

Rosie O’Donnell is calling for the release of the Menendez brothers, who were imprisoned for the killing of their parents in 1989. Reached for comment, Lyle & Erik Menendez said they appreciate the support, but wonder if there’s, you know, like, a hotter woman to help them out.

Bad news: a man died attempting to drink all 21 cocktails on the menu at a resort in Jamaica. Good news: it’s an all-inclusive resort, so the funeral is free.

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Bitcoin has become the preferred payment for sex workers. So now being a ‘two-Bit’ hooker means you earn around $85,000.

Asian actress Awkwafina left Twitter amidst heavy criticism of her using a ‘blaccent’ in her performances. Which isn’t so bad, considering black or white performers using Asian accents can expect to be cancelled altogether.

Guns N Roses frontman Axl Rose turned 60. “Take me down to Paradise City, where the grass is…damnit, slow down! I want to get there in one piece!!” said Rose.

Spirit Airlines & Frontier Airlines plan to merge. They’ll adopt the name of whichever carrier’s team of frequent flyers wins a midair brawl.

When the January 6th Committee subpeonaed the National Archives for Trump White House documents, some needed to be retrieved from Mar A Lago because Trump had taken them there. He explained that he kept some papers because Kim Kardashian sat on them by mistake when she visited the Oval Office.

New Orleans Saints running back Alvin Kamara was arrested and charged with battery of a patron at a Las Vegas nightclub following the Pro Bowl. If he beats up the same person again, he’ll face rechargeable battery.

New Jersey & Delaware set timelines to end mask mandates for schoolchildren. Philadelphia public schools also set their timeline: whenever a kid drops out.

Samsung announced their new Galaxy series of smartphones will use plastic made from recycled fishing nets. So when they burst into flames it’ll smell like a bonfire on the beach.

The Miami Dolphins hired San Francisco 49ers offensive coordinator Mike McDaniel to be their next head coach. McDaniel was selected over several other finalists, including Rooney Rule interviewee The Wise Black Janitor From ‘Rudy’.

Two dozen people were poisoned at a Russian hospital after being ordered to drink ‘battery fluid’ before x-rays of their digestive tract. Hospital workers then hooked jumper cables to their nipples to start their frozen cars.

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Wild deer have been found with coronavirus antibodies. The deer feel pretty good about their chances with COVID-19, they just wish people would stop shooting them and hitting them with cars.

Former Fleetwood Mac guitarist/vocalist Lindsey Buckingham said in an interview that “almost everyone” would be happy to have him back in the band. He wouldn’t articulate who wouldn’t want him back, but it rhymes with Skeevy Ticks.

Guns N’ Roses kicked off a new tour. Shares of the company that owns Jack Daniels rose 2000% in early trading.

A new study links alcohol use to cancer. People find out they have cancer, then get loaded.

The owner of Scholastic, who died suddenly in June, left the $1.2 billion educational publishing company to his former lover and cut his family out of his will. It’s being called Scholastic’s hardest lesson.

Flight attendants on a Frontier Airlines flight duct-taped an unruly passenger to his seat after he groped their breasts and punched one. Spirit Airlines expressed regret at losing one of their Platinum Elite frequent-flyer members.

ABC Network announced that all of the American Idol judges & host – Katy Perry, Luke Bryan, Lionel Richie & Ryan Seacrest – will return next season. Which is more than you can say for the winner of American Idol, who everyone’s forgotten already.

CVS Pharmacy raised its minimum wage to $15 and eliminated education requirements for some positions. They were immediately flooded with applications from high-school dropouts for jobs handling drugs.

Barack Obama canceled his planned 60th birthday party on Martha’s Vineyard due to surging COVID-19 cases. So Donald Trump shipped the gift-wrapped box of dog poop to New York Governor Andrew Cuomo instead.

Visitors to New Jersey shore beaches have been marveling at how clear the water has been recently, saying you can now see all the medical waste, and the stream when nearby swimmers are pissing.