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Sarah Huckabee Sanders claims in a new memoir that Kim Jong Un ‘winked’ at her during a summit. A North Korean spokesman disputes this, stating Sanders was chewing an Arby’s Big Montana with her mouth open and it flew into Kim’s eye.

New analysis shows hospitalized COVID-19 patients respond favorably to steroid treatments, with most gaining enough strength to bench-press their ventilator.

Michael Jordan acquired an ownership stake in online wagering service DraftKings, then lost it later that day betting a guy who beat him at golf.

Donald Trump said in an interview that police officers like the one who shot Jacob Blake seven times in the back “choke” like golfers missing a short putt. Racist cops disagreed, saying they usually choke suspects first, then shoot.

Website WalletHub ranked Philadelphia the second-worst city in the nation to drive. The worst city is Whatever One Takes You In To Philadelphia.

Melania Trump’s former adviser Stephanie Winston-Wolcott claims Melania used private email accounts to conduct official White House business. Melania said it was just easier selling her Oval Office nude photos using Gmail.

Airliners approaching & departing LAX reported seeing a man in a jetpack at an altitude of about 3,000 feet. Spirit Airlines then said he was the only guy booked on a flight so they let him fly self-service.

YouTube vlogger Caleb Simpson and a friend rode white go-karts through New York City while dressed as Mario and Luigi to recreate Mario Kart. Police arrested a person of interest chasing them while tossing bob-bombs.

A new analysis names MacKenzie Scott, ex-wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, as the Wealthiest Woman In The World. Authors of the analysis are being asked for her address by Jerry Falwell, Jr’s old poolboy.

A Dutch inventor claims to have created a solar-powered handheld gaming console. Now when parents tell their lazy kids to “go outside”, they’ll have something they want to do.

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Domino’s added chicken taco pizza to their menu. They say it’s for customers who want to eat pizza, but stil feel like they got sick from Mexican food.

Melania Trump addressed the Republican National Convention, saying Americans “deserve total honesty” from a president. Donald Trump then congratulated her on the great speech she totally wrote by herself because he loves her for her brain.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo gave a prerecorded RNC speech from a diplomatic visit to Jerusalem. “Good evening. Man. There are a LOT of Jews here..” he said.

Jerry Falwell Jr. resigned as president of Liberty University amidst a sex scandal. He’ll receive a $10.5 million buyout and a new pool boy.

After spending 92 years on the index, Exxon Mobil stock was removed from the Dow Jones Industrial Average, as its earnings ran out of gas.

Elon Musk is promising a demo of a ‘Neuralink’ – believed to be a way of controlling machines with brain waves. After the demo, preorders for Neuralink-enabled love dolls open up on the Tesla online store.

A new study recommends that people with a positive COVID-19 diagnosis stop exercising for two weeks. “I better get tested” said a 450-pound person on their couch.

Britney Spears’ kid sister, Jamie Lynn, is now a trustee to the conservatorship that controls Britney’s finances. Jamie Lynn said she plans to responsibly steer more of the investments toward shoes and cute tops.

The NFL is reexamining 77 players’ COVID-19 tests from a New Jersey lab after a rash of false positives. Results are slow in coming, because after each, an NFL official flips on a mic and announces “after further review..”.

Sean Connery turned 90. He had a glass of Metamucil “shaken, not stirred”, so it was incredibly lumpy.