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Harlem Globetrotters legend Fred ‘Curly’ Neal passed away. He’ll be buried with a basketball so he can spin in his grave.

Kanye West shared plans for his massive ranch in Wyoming, including a ‘urine farm’ where human waste is converted to plant food. West will still have a studio, so he can convert human waste to music.

Hockey equipment manufacturer Bauer has switched from making hockey equipment to medical gear. At the hospital receiving their first shipment, two nurses dropped their Bauer gloves and fought for a surgical mask.

China President Xi vowed to cooperate with the United States to defeat coronavirus, because we owe him a sh*t-ton of money.  [Ed. Note: Did you know that China holds about $1.1 trillion in U.S. debt?]

New York hospitals say two people being treated for COVID-19 may end up having to share a ventilator. Patients are more concerned they won’t get their own tv.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell threatened punishment to teams criticizing the NFL proceeding with April’s draft amidst the COVID-19 outbreak. While no specific action was mentioned, Goodell has privately threatened to hold future drafts in Green Bay or Buffalo.

JoAnn Fabrics employees staged protests over working in crowded stores after execs declared them ‘essential retail’. They’ve since moved to curbside pickup, so thrifty moms can sew dresses for their daughters to wear at the Facetime Prom.

Amazon’s Alexa can now tell you your COVID-19 risk level. However, Google’s Assistant has already stolen so much of your personal data it can tell if you actually have the virus.

The first flight attendant has passed away after contracting coronavirus. He died still clutching a half-full can of Diet Coke he refused to give to a passenger.

Some intensive care patients being treated for coronavirus are being treated with large doses of vitamin C.  Some respond favorably, although others have been the victim of orange juice drownings.

 

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Barnes & Noble has signaled that it is evaluating strategic changes, including possible sale of the company. B&N executives said they only want serious buyers, not companies that just want to read the company’s financial statements and use the restroom.

JCPenney named Jill Soltau to be its new CEO; Soltau had been CEO of Joann Fabrics. JCPenney’s board of directors praised her tenure at Joann, saying it gave her experience overseeing stores that most people wouldn’t be caught dead in.

Meng Hongwei, the head of Interpol, has been reported missing after a trip to China. Interpol would look for him, but he can’t order the investigation to start since he’s missing.

‘Jersey Shore’ star Snooki says costar Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino is fearful of his upcoming sentencing for tax evasion and imprisonment. So much so that Sorrentino is considering changing his nickname to The Sexual Assault Situation.

An airline passenger let her toddler daughter use her portable toilet in the aisle of the plane midflight instead of taking her to the lavatory. The mother refused to follow flight attendant instructions to move the porta-potty to the lavatory, and the toddler was arrested by air marshals for refusing to fasten her seatbelt while pooping.

Actor John Goodman appears on the cover of People magazine, which includes a story on how he’s lost over 100 pounds, not counting the 175  from losing Roseanne on his tv show.

Rhode Island state police arrested Anne Armstrong, 58, and Alan Gordon, 48 — the Compassion Party’s candidates for governor and attorney general, respectively – for possessing over 50 pounds of marijuana at their home. Cops said they don’t know about the Compassion part, but that’s more than enough for a Party.

Apple denies reports that it was a victim of spying malware on servers it acquired from Chinese supplier SuperMicro. “Those kids did nothing wrong!” said Apple CEO Tim Cook.

The Senate approved a motion to move the candidacy of Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh to a full vote. “I’ll drink to that!” said Kavanaugh at 9a.m.

The Central Pacific Hurricane Center released a computer graphic of Hurricane Walaka  that looks like an erect penis. Meteorologists say it’s not a real threat to blow unless it merges with a girl hurricane.