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Snopes disproved the story that Alabama man Kevin Greeson died at the January 6th DC riots of a heart attack after tasering himself in the testicles. Greeson did die of a heart attack, and medics unsuccessfully tried to revive him by tasering his nuts.

Hallmark Corporation requested the return of their campaign donations to Missouri Senator Josh Hawley, in the form of an eight-line poem in a card with To Our Special Little Boy on the front of it.

Other large corporations, including Blue Cross, Marriott, and several banks, have halted donations to Republicans. The GOP already asked the My Pillow guy to make up for it, but he’s committed to spending a million ad dollars a day on MeTV.

The NFL Philadelphia Eagles fired head coach Doug Pederson, less than three years after he led the team to its only Super Bowl victory. Local media penned multiple scathing articles condemning the move, starting with the phrase “not for nothin’..”.

The World Health Organization claims COVID-19 herd immunity won’t happen until 2022, but that death immunity will continue to grow in the meantime.

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick cancelled an appearance in Washington to receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Asked multiple times for comment on why, Belichick said “I’m just focused on the Dolphins” again and again.

Jacob Anthony Chansley – the horn & fur wearing QAnon Shaman from the January 6th riots – is refusing prison food because it isn’t organic. Chansley reportedly told his mother he’s worried about being sentenced to death by force-feeding Hot Pockets.

Mega Millions and Powerball jackpots both rose over the $500 million mark. Experts say odds of winning are about the same as getting a COVID vaccine before Memorial Day.

Donald Trump is reportedly “gutted” that the PGA Tour pulled the 2022 PGA Championship from Trump National golf course in Bedminster, New Jersey, and “furious” that they awarded it to Joe & Kamala’s Pitch n Putt in Bear, Delaware.

University of Michigan extended the contract of head football coach Jim Harbaugh, saying in a statement they’re proud to continue losing to Ohio State until 2026.

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Director Josh Hawley confirmed his new Star Trek film will have a completely new crew – guaranteeing six nobody actors income for life signing autographs and taking pictures with nerds.

Kanye West shared video of himself urinating on a Grammy award. “Hey, anyone seen my missing Grammy award?” asked Taylor Swift.

Bad news: the CDC Director said coronavirus vaccines won’t be widely available until the middle of next year. Good news: they’ll be for COVID-19, 20 & 21.

Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton are rumored to be breaking up. If so, we’ll get terrible country and ska songs out of it.

Investigators found traces of a nerve agent used to poison Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny on a hotel water bottle. Navalny, who is recuperating, said that’s the last time he stays at Red Roof Inn in Siberia.

The U.S. Golf Association’s U.S. Open started today, delayed by three months, now that they could finally get tee times.

WNBA great Maya Moore married Jonathan Irons, a wrongfully convicted man who she helped free from prison. Moore plans to remind Irons of this when they have an argument about housework.

Elon Musk’s SpaceX is launching 60 more Starlink Internet satellites, as part of its longer-term plan to launch broadband Internet service to rural areas that can’t yet access Pornhub.

A survey of frequent fliers named Ireland’s Donegal Airport the world’s most scenic landing spot. The same survey named the world’s worst landing spot “any middle seat on Spirit Airlines”.

Students at University of Wisconsin – Madison who test positive for COVID-19 are sent to a special “COVID dorm”. They’re disapointed at first, but happy at not having to wear masks when they hook up.