Herschel Walker is alleged to have fathered a child with a woman, and also paid for her abortion – showing Walker can either run with fatherhood, or pass on it.

Peloton is cutting 500 more jobs, but is offering outplacement to fired workers, giving them names and addresses of Peloton owners so they can go help fold the clothes hanging on their bikes.

Joe Biden and Ron Desantis met in Florida to monitor disaster relief efforts following Hurricane Ian. Biden returned to Washington, but only after removing 100 immigrants that Desantis snuck into the cargo hold of Air Force One.

Kanye West defended his White Lives Matter shirt – writing of white lives via Instagram “THEY DO” mattter. “Well, I guess we’re inviting him to the cookout!” said the Grand Imperial Wizard of the KKK.

Adam Sandler said he has trouble maintaining the same body weight over the course of a three month movie shoot. His frequent costar Kevin James said he has the same problem over the course of an eight-hour workday.

A high school golf team cancelled practice when they arrived at their course to find a local strip club was hosting a tournament featuring exotic dancers. Most of the team left, but a few of them stayed behind hoping to watch or play a few holes.

A woman’s soccer coach at a Texas university was suspended amidst allegations of her ‘making out’ with mens soccer players, and asking her team to loan her bail money after a DUI. She is now evaluating teaching offers from multiple Texas high schools.

SEPTA, Philadelphia’s mass transit authority, announced their new plan for crime, cleanliness and drug use in stations: ignore all of it.

The FBI allegedly tracked ‘Queen Of Soul’ Aretha Franklin for 40 years due to suspected ties to “black extremists”. The newly-released files were titled S-U-S-P-E-C-T.

An American tourist broke two ancient sculptures at the Vatican after he was refused a visit with the Pope. The sculptures are currently being restored, marking the first time His Holiness has blessed tubes of Gorilla Glue.

The Nobel Prize was awarded to three quantum physicists who explained particles’ “spooky behavior at a distance”. The recipients: Drs Velma, Shaggy & Daphne, determined it was really Old Man Jefferson trying to collect insurance money from his abandoned particle farm.

Kanye West wore a ‘White Lives Matter’ shirt at a surprise Yeezy Fashion Show, which also doubled as the first Trump rally held in Paris.

The Lake Erie Walleye fishing tournament disqualified two entrants when judges found lead weights in fish they’d caught. The fishermen unsuccessfully argued they’d caught the fish after an underwater gunfight between rival schools.

Jeffrey Dahmer was known to wear bright yellow-colored contact lenses, to emulate both Star Wars‘ Emperor Palpatine and a murderer in the film Exorcist III. This confused his mother, who thought he had too many kidneys in his diet.

The broken Nord Stream gas pipeline beneath the Baltic Sea was repaired, but over 500,000 gallons of methane had escaped. The government of Denmark called in experts in massive methane discharge – dairy farmers, and workers who clean the restrooms on the New Jersey Turnpike.

A man carrying a pink smoke bomb ran on to the playing field during Monday night’s Rams/49ers game, and was leveled by Rams linebacker Bobby Wagner. The man has entered the NFL’s concussion and multiple-fractured-vertebrae protocols.

Hilaria Baldwin shared a photo with husband Alec and their seven children together. “Great shot!” said their friends, which is something Alec hasn’t heard in a while.

The BET Hip-Hop Awards will be held Tuesday night. Producers say they’ll leave a couple of spots in the show’s In Memoriam segment open just in case someone gets shot on the red carpet.

Georgia GOP Senate candidate Herschel Walker, who is ‘pro-life’, allegedly paid for a girlfriend’s abortion in 2009. Walker denies the claim, adding that it was 13 years and 20 abortions ago.

Sources claim Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen have hired divorce lawyers, adding that Brady has already activated several lingerie models from his practice squad.