Herschel Walker is alleged to have fathered a child with a woman, and also paid for her abortion – showing Walker can either run with fatherhood, or pass on it.

Peloton is cutting 500 more jobs, but is offering outplacement to fired workers, giving them names and addresses of Peloton owners so they can go help fold the clothes hanging on their bikes.

Joe Biden and Ron Desantis met in Florida to monitor disaster relief efforts following Hurricane Ian. Biden returned to Washington, but only after removing 100 immigrants that Desantis snuck into the cargo hold of Air Force One.

Kanye West defended his White Lives Matter shirt – writing of white lives via Instagram “THEY DO” mattter. “Well, I guess we’re inviting him to the cookout!” said the Grand Imperial Wizard of the KKK.

Adam Sandler said he has trouble maintaining the same body weight over the course of a three month movie shoot. His frequent costar Kevin James said he has the same problem over the course of an eight-hour workday.

A high school golf team cancelled practice when they arrived at their course to find a local strip club was hosting a tournament featuring exotic dancers. Most of the team left, but a few of them stayed behind hoping to watch or play a few holes.

A woman’s soccer coach at a Texas university was suspended amidst allegations of her ‘making out’ with mens soccer players, and asking her team to loan her bail money after a DUI. She is now evaluating teaching offers from multiple Texas high schools.

SEPTA, Philadelphia’s mass transit authority, announced their new plan for crime, cleanliness and drug use in stations: ignore all of it.

The FBI allegedly tracked ‘Queen Of Soul’ Aretha Franklin for 40 years due to suspected ties to “black extremists”. The newly-released files were titled S-U-S-P-E-C-T.

An American tourist broke two ancient sculptures at the Vatican after he was refused a visit with the Pope. The sculptures are currently being restored, marking the first time His Holiness has blessed tubes of Gorilla Glue.

Godiva Chocolates is closing or selling all of their stores before March. Godiva, and thousands of relationships, will make their last stand this Valentine’s Day.

After complaining that a passenger seated behind him was coughing and sneezing non-stop, he was told by an angry Frontier Airlines flight attendant “you could drive instead”. Frontier then announced “you can drive instead” is their new ad slogan.

You Tube star JoJo Siwa announced she’s part of the LGBTQ+ community – specifically, the underrepresented singing-and-dancing part.

After being cited in an ethics complaint by seven fellow Senators, Josh Hawley of Missouri filed a counter-complaint against them, under the Articles Of I’m Rubber You’re Glue.

A plane pulling a banner calling Donald Trump a ‘pathetic loser’ flew over Mar-A-Lago. The plane was later identified as Air Force One.

President Biden will overturn restrictions on transgender persons serving in the U.S. military. However, transgender people are waiting to enlist while something is done about the hideous uniforms.

Researchers revealed California now has its own coronavirus variant. It prefers to be called Calivirus, and mutated to lose those ugly protruding spikes and lose weight.

Google Assistant added a Wellness section, which lets users ask about their personal fitness. But first the Assistant asks if you’re really ready to hear the answers.

Joe Biden replaced White House physician Dr. Sean Conley, after finally being examined at 3:30pm for a 2pm appointment.

Budweiser, Hyundai, Coke & Pepsi all announced they won’t run ads during the Super Bowl. Experts already predicted the lowest-rated ad during the game will be the 3-minute My Pillow Martial Law infomercial that runs in their place.

The woman attacked by a jaguar after climbing a safety barrier to get a selfie returned to the Arizona zoo to apologize. Her handshake with the jaguar resulted in her being hospitalized a second time.

Celebrities Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin are accused of bribing SAT test proctors and colleges to help their children get into elite schools. Lesser charges are being considered for the Gronkowski family, who are accused of bribing officials at Arizona and Arizona State with cases of Coors Light.

A woman who orally ingested her partner’s semen was rushed to the hospital in anaphylactic shock because she was allergic to traces of an antibiotic in it. She is expected to fully recover and respond to multiple date requests from doctors.

Responding to the fatal crashes of two Boeing 737 MAX 8 jets, President Trump tweeted that planes are becoming too complex, he didn’t want Albert Einstein to be his pilot. He then ordered Air Force One to be outfitted with three additional pairs of wings.

USA Today published an explanatory article about how Boeing’s 737 MAX 8 safety system – Maneuvering Characteristics Augmentation – works, leading aeronautics experts to question how good it can be if USA Today can explain it.

A Bronx couple looking at their child’s baby monitor were shocked to see a burglar standing next to the crib. The father rushed to the room, but the intruder had already escaped with all of the candy.

A new study in the medical journal JAMA concludes there is no association between what people eat and their risk of dementia. Some doctors are questioning the study, pointedly wondering why anyone would eat Grape Nuts unless they were losing their mind.

Facebook filed a lawsuit against two Ukrainian hackers, alleging they used Facebook quizzes to steal personal data.  The quizzes said which ‘Friends’ character they were based on birthdate and social security number. Everyone who gave both of them were told “Joey”.

A controversial study from the University of Minnesota claims blacks & hispanics are most harmed by inhaling pollutants created by whites. The study is called ‘The Racial Dutch Oven’.

UFC star Conor McGregor faces felony charges for slapping a cell phone out of a fan’s hand as they tried to take a picture, then stomping the phone and leaving. UFC President Dana White reportedly offered the phone $3 million for a rematch.

Facebook is in talks with banks to add your personal financial information to Messenger. “You Are Now Connected to the Hacker Who Will Drain Your Checking Account On Messenger” reads the notification that Facebook is preparing.

Bankruptcies among senior citizens have tripled since 1991 — explaining the Osmond Family Good Time Review playing to near-empty theaters in Branson, Missouri.

The long-horned tick, an invasive new species, is spreading in the U.S. The tick sucks up so much blood it can barely stand on its own. Experts say if you see one, grab it by its cane or walker and kill it.

Police were called after Kendall Jenner’s Doberman pinscher bit a young girl at an outdoor café. Jenner at first denied it, but was then showed the dog’s 500,000-follower Instagram account where it posted a picture biting the child’s hand with the caption “OMG I luv me sum bites on baby hands”.

The United States moved to restore economic sanctions against Iran that have been waived for the past two years. Among them, Iran will no longer be able to spend U.S. dollars, and their Amazon Prime privileges will be revoked, so they’ll have to settle for standard shipping.

Former White House Communications Director Hope Hicks was spotted boarding Air Force One for President Trump’s trip to a campaign rally in Ohio. However, since Hicks was in Boarding Group 6, she had to gate-check her bag because the overhead bins were all full of Diet Coke and KFC.

Singer Carrie Underwood is catching heat for saying that, at age 35, she thinks she missed out on the chance to have a “big family” to join her husband and 3-year-old son. Meanwhile three different 40+ Duggar women gave birth to seven children in the time it took Underwood to finish her quote.

Apple, Spotify, YouTube & Facebook removed Alex Jones InfoWars content. Jones and his fans complained but the four platforms said it never happened, it was all a hoax.

A masked man entered the studio of Wisconsin radio station WORT FM and fired a gun at three disc jockeys working there. One dj was struck in the buttocks and was treated for minor injuries; the other two were uninjured. The shooter remains at large, still angry that they wouldn’t play ‘Mr. Roboto.’

According to a CNBC profile, fewer than 1% of applicants to be Delta Airlines flight attendants get the job, compared to 4.8% of Harvard applicants who are accepted. “What’s Harvard Airlines?” asked a new Delta flight attendant.

The NFL’s Los Angeles Rams and New Orleans Saints will be the first two teams to welcome men to their respective cheerleading squads this season. The men will be held to the same rules against fraternizing with the players — you know which ones.

Scientists discovered a fossilized ancient sea creature and named it Obamus coranatus in honor of President Barack Obama. The tiny disc-shaped animal was a half-inch long, lived on the ocean floor, likely never moved on its own, but still had affordable health insurance.

A man with a face tattoo of a handgun has been charged in South Carolina with illegal possession of a firearm. He was released on bond and ordered to surrender his forehead.

  • “Does your face hurt?” asked the presiding judge, adding “because it’s killing innocent people..”

On E! show ‘Total Bellas’ WWE star Nikki Bella reveals that her one-time fiance John Cena has agreed to undergo a reverse vasectomy with the goal of getting her pregnant. Doctors say the procedure will take longer than usual, since Cena’s sperm need to be woken up after years wearing super-snug wrestling trunks.

President Trump gave a speech to the National Federation of Independent Business, then hugged the American flag as he walked off stage. Barron Trump then wrapped himself in a flag and waited for his dad to get home, but got nothing.

Protesters angry over immigrant children being separated from their families at the U.S. southern border shouted “shame” at Homeland Security Director Kirstjen Nielsen as she dined at a Mexican restaurant in Washington, D.C.  Nielsen then separated herself from her chair and deported herself to the rest room without finishing her chimichangas.

A new NBC News report says that the cost of temporary housing for separated children of detained illegal immigrants is $775 per person per night.  After seeing the story, President Trump had all the kids bused to the nearest Trump Hotel and charged them $750/night.

Ivanka Trump reportedly met with her father to discuss ending the separation of children – so the President sent Air Force One to bring Ivanka’s three kids home from summer camp.

An Arkansas man was arrested after attempting to pay for his restaurant meal with a credit card that was stolen from his waitress two days earlier. The waitress said it killed her to have him arrested because he left a 25% tip.

Amazon is opening up its clothing try-on service, Prime Wardrobe, to all Prime subscribers. The service lets you choose three to eight items to be shipped to your home, with a week to try them on and decide what to keep. Amazon also sends two-sizes-larger items to subscribers if they watch more than 40 hours of Prime Video each week.

Burger King Russia is apologizing for a promotion offering lifelong free Whoppers and $47,000 to women impregnated by World Cup soccer players. The program ended after a female Russian lawmaker complained, and after Russian Burger Kings were overrun with women urinating on pregnancy tests in the dining room.

  • “I’m disappointed the pregnancy promotion is over, it seemed like a good idea” said Russian Maury Povich.

High winds blew a bounce house — and a 9-year-old child inside of it — on to a Southern California highway, where it was struck by a car. “Do you know why I pulled you over?” asked a California Highway Patrolman to the 9-year-old.

The Milwaukee Bucks are reportedly considering hiring San Antonio Spurs assistant Becky Hammon to be the NBA’s first woman head coach.. :

  • All 11 boys on her team are happy they’ll each get a turn to shoot the ball.
  • “Traveling? I LOVE traveling!”
  • Players will arrive 10 minutes early to pregame shootaround so she can ask “is THAT what you’re wearing?”.. and make them change, if necessary.

A mysterious bacterial infection is killing large volumes of coral reefs in the Florida Keys. Scientists aren’t sure how the bacteria got there, but they want to speak to several women seen swimming near the reefs with their bikini bottoms off.

The summit between President Trump and Kim Jong Un will take place on June 12th in Singapore. Trump will take Air Force One; Kim rarely flies, so his staff are working on air travel logistics, starting with getting him upgraded from Boarding Group 6.

North Korea is also detailing plans to dismantle their nuclear test sites – starting with a nationwide plutonium raffle, paired with one final nuclear missile shot straight up in the air that lands back on the test site.

An Iowa man – paroled after an arrest for making methamphetamine in a home where a children’s daycare operated – has been arrested again on meth charges. He explained to officers that he had to get involved in the cooking operation again, because all of his employees left for kindergarten.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders reportedly berated White House Communications staff for leaking staffer Kelly Sadler’s comment that Senator John McCain’s opposition to Gina Haspel as CIA director didn’t matter because “he’s dying anyway.” Then she got mad about the leak about her getting mad about the other leak…and so on, and so on.

Hawaii’s Big Island is bracing for more eruptions from the Kilauea volcano. Island officials are making plans for possible evacuations, and burn treatments for Tony Robbins seminar participants who keep taking barefoot ‘courage walks’ across the lava flows.

Clearwater Beach, Florida was named TripAdvisor’s World’s Best Beach for 2018, edging out such other exotic beaches as The Ones With Far Fewer Dirtbags.

A Florida mother made her son surrender to police after she saw him in surveillance video from a robbery that was captured with a doorbell camera and shared by police. She plans to post bond for her son, but he is soooo grounded.

A dragon float caught fire during the Festival of Fantasy parade at Disney World on Friday. The fire was quickly extinguished, but Huey, Dewey and Louie were questioned by Uncle Donald who wondered what they were doing with rolling papers and a lighter.

Amanda Nunes defeated Raquel Pennington for the bantamweight title in UFC 224’s main event. Nunes and Pennington are the first pair of openly gay women to face each other in a UFC title bout. “Openly” being the operative word here.

 

 

The New York Times reports that President Trump wanted to fire Special Investigator Robert Mueller last June but was talked out of it, by White House Senior Counsel Stormy Daniels.

‘Fire And Fury’ author Michael Wolff is allegedly behind a new rumor linking President Trump in a sexual affair with U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley. Rumors were fueled by recent refills of Cialis with the Presidential seal shipped to the U.N., and Secret Service carrying supersoakers full of lubricant.

President Trump is ordering a 20% tariff on imported washing machines, which is what he calls Haitians.

A new study of Australian teenagers in journal Lancet Public Health claims that parents who provide alcohol to underage teens may increase their alcohol-related risks later in life, but the underage drinking teens will make an above-average Manhattan.

Former tv star Adam Hicks, of the Disney sitcom Zeke and Luther, was arrested along with an accomplice and charged with four armed robberies of pedestrians in Burbank California. Hicks was held on $350,000 bail and is scheduled to receive the coveted Dana Plato Child Actor Lifetime Achievement Award.

2017 Oscar winner Casey Affleck has backed out of presenting this year’s Best Actress Oscar, saying none of them are all that hot, anyway.

Actress Brie Larson was photographed in costume on the set of the upcoming Captain Marvel film. Website The Nerdist wrote that “her costume isn’t quite what we expected” since it’s shades of green instead of blue, red & gold. That’s right, in 2018, even female superheroes can get blasted by geeks for their outfit choice.

Apple previewed upcoming iOS release 11.3, which will feature new Animojis, battery-management tools and updates to Apple Pay. The system will be available for download in the spring, and you’ll be able to use it by the end of summer.

Fistfights and riots broke out at locations of the French supermarket chain Intermarche, as shoppers battled to get containers of Nutella at a 70% discount. In several instances, French police were called to dispense wine and cigarettes to get everyone to calm down.

Zero-commission stock trading app Robinhood added zero-fee cryptocurrency trading, making it easier for people with smartphones to buy and sell something that they know absolutely nothing about.

A new startup, Cargo, raised millions in funding for its product – which allows Uber drivers to sell snacks and essentials to passengers, and for passengers to sell deodorant to drivers.

 

House GOP Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy recounted his recent trip with the President aboard Air Force One, saying that Trump loves Starburst candies, but only the red and pink ones. Asked who gets the yellow and green ones, he said “some kid Barron something”.

Police in Knoxville, Tennessee investigated an alarm at a Boost Mobile store and found it was caused by a raccoon. After checking his credit score, the raccoon learned he was able to get a new phone from a better service provider and left.

Danica Patrick confirmed that she’s dating Aaron Rodgers. Patrick announced her retirement from NASCAR in 2017, but expressed her excitement at still being able to qualify for the pole.

Natural Cycles, a contraceptive app approved as a form of contraception by the European Union, has been hit with a complaint after being blamed for 37 unwanted pregnancies. Natural Cycles launched an investigation, but in the meantime urged pregnant mothers to try its other app, Find That Guy I Had Sex With.

A man traveling from Iceland to England was arrested at the airport for attempting to avoid excess luggage fees by wearing eight pairs of pants and ten shirts. Airport security patted him down layer by layer, and he boarded a flight two days later when they finished.

A newborn baby boy was found abandoned at the Tucson International Airport on Sunday night. The baby was found in good health, and his first words were “please get me out of Tucson.”

The Japanese city of Gamagori issued a citywide emergency warning after a supermarket mistakenly sold lethally poisonous blowfish.  The search was later narrowed to specific women who had redeemed buy-one-get-one-free coupons for lethally poisonous blowfish.

A British Airways crew assigned to a flight from London to Ghana refused to work when the aircraft was discovered to be infested with bedbugs, and the bedbugs refused to be reassigned to coach.

The Google Art & Culture app has become a viral hit, two years after its initial release. Among its features, it matches users selfies with historic portrait works of art. For instance, photos of the President and his cabinet in the Oval Office were matched to Dogs Playing Poker.

McDonald’s announced a new Green initiative, to use renewable, recyclable or certified materials in all of its packaging by 2025. McDonald’s said it’s dedicating the initiative to all of its most loyal customers who have asked for the change but won’t live to see it.