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Gaston Glock, inventor of the Glock handgun, died. The family is currently auditioning 750 different rappers to deliver the eulogy.

Boeing is calling for inspections of its 737 Max jets for possible ‘loose bolts’. They’re also urging inspection of the entire Spirit Airlines fleet for “being 50 years old”.

A Tesla robot injured a human employee at the company’s Texas factory, clawing his back and drawing blood. The robot has since been recruited away to motivate workers at an Amazon warehouse.

Bethenny Frankel said she was searched at LAX after her vagina triggered an airport metal detector. She added that no metal was found, just her neck pillow and another carry-on bag.

BlendJet portable blenders were recalled by the Consumer Product Safety Commission because their blades could break and the motor could catch fire – giving everyone who got them as Christmas gifts two more terrific reasons to return them.

Meadow Walker, daughter of late actor Paul Walker, announced she and her husband are amicably divorcing after marrying in 2021. While the marriage was fast, neither are furious.

A 3-year-old video from Celebrity Apprentice staffer Noel Casler claims Donald Trump wears diapers and that he’s incontinent from drug use, explaining other recent claims that Trump smells bad. Trump disputed claims of his incontinence, saying he’s always lived in North America.

Powerful 20-foot waves along the California shore are breaching seawalls and damaging buildings along the coastline. So far over a dozen surfer dudes have been pulled out of third-floor windows because it’s, like, soooooo gnarly.

Sephora customers are posting TikTok videos saying they’ve stopped using Sol de Janeiro body butter because it attracts spiders. Experts dispute this, but the spiders say that body butter improves the taste of flies.

Natalie Reynolds, an influencer, wore body-painted leggings over a bikini bottom to a California gym. Commenters debated the appropriateness of her body-painted bottoms, while other gym members were angry at having to wipe down machines with turpentine after she used them.

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Donald Trump called Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger on Saturday, and for a full hour pressured him to recalculate the results of Georgia’s election. The call shocked Americans who never thought Trump would work on a Saturday.

Trump reportedly tried reaching Raffensperger 18 times – 15 voice mails, 2 butt-dials while golfing, and 1 ‘You up?’ text.

Vanilla Ice, Taylor Dayne, Berlin and Mike Love of the Beach Boys all performed at the Mar-A-Lago New Year’s Eve party. Surprisingly, all four acts had the date open on their calendars.

Chipotle will offer cauliflower rice nationwide. It costs two dollars extra and is prepared the same as their regular rice – using lime, cilantro and dangerous levels of bacteria.

Mitch McConnell’s home in Kentucky was vandalized over the weekend, as someone spray painted “WERES MY MONEY” on the front door. Police are seeking a person of interest, a former Kentucky state spelling bee champion.

T-Mobile says hackers accessed customer call records. Most customers need not worry, since the data was only for calls that went through.

43 COVID-postive staffers at a San Jose emergency room may have been infected by an employee who wore an inflatable costume in their work area on Christmas. All 43 regret taking turns helping to blow up Santa.

Los Angeles International Airport is now offering rapid COVID testing, so you can be quickly cleared for travel to go catch the virus somewhere else.

Google employees announced plans to unionize with the Communications Workers of America. Telephone linemen hope this means they can strike and get all the free snacks the Google people get.

An angry squirrel is aggressively attacking residents of a Queens neighorhood. Several residents claim they’ve been jumped on and bitten hard enough to draw blood. Experts believe the squirrel isn’t rabid, and is likely a frustrated Jets or Giants fan.

Nela Zisser, a 28-year-old New Zealand medical student, broke the Guinness World Record by consuming 16 chicken nuggets in 60 seconds, eclipsing the old record of 15 shared by every U.S. 9-year-old.

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Donald Trump issued a pardon for Susan B. Anthony, who was convicted for illegally voting. He extended the pardon for Anthony appearing on dollar coins that he confused with a quarter, and for not being all that hot looking.

The Ellen Degeneres Show told three executive producers to be kind to one another, and that they’re fired.

Prosecutors seek prison time for Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli after their guilty pleas in the college admissions scandal. Their attorney counters they’ve suffered enough, having sold their $18 million mansion and moved into a $9 million one.

Fans are petitioning Disneyland to rename the resort’s Carnation Cafe to honor the cook who worked there for decades and retired. The petition asks that the eatery be renamed the Carnation Cafe Microwave.

An LAX passenger service agent rated celebrities she’s assisted. Robert Pattinson, Dakota Johnson & others received high marks. Receiving a 2-out-of-10 was Nicki Minaj, who refused to deplane until it was empty. Minaj said she didn’t refuse, her ass was stuck between the armrests.

Baghdad recorded its highest temperature ever on Tuesday, 125.2 degrees. It’s so bad, suicide bombers are strapping themselves to air conditioners.

Vanity Fair magazine published a first-person account of Jeffrey Epstein’s private jet, saying it was straight out of the 70s, with red velour and beds everywhere. And for every trip, flight attendants had to stock it with all-new Barbie dolls.

Virginia’s Department of Health released COVIDWISE – the first COVID-19 exposure app for smartphones. Your profile pic has to to be of you either wearing a mask or a ventilator.

The Great American Outdoors Act authorizes $900 million per year to improve national park facilities – and $4 billion per year to fix the smell in national park restrooms.

A 61-year-old Utah man threw his wife into a river after they argued over dinner plans. After his arrest on assault charges, she looked at his wet clothes and asked “that’s what you’re wearing?”