Toblerone must remove an image of the Matterhorn on packaging because production of the chocolate bar is moving from Switzerland to Slovakia. The Matterhorn image will be replaced by a mountain of rotted teeth.

CNN anchor Kasie Hunt delivered a baby girl in just 13 minutes of labor on her bathroom floor. She’ll have more news on this at the top of the hour after she cleans her bathroom.

NBA Memphis Grizzlies star Ja Morant is taking a leave from the team after flashing a handgun in an Instagram video, and amidst rumors he punched a teen in the face and brandished a weapon after a pickup basketball game last year. In other news, the Grizzlies introduced a new jersey-patch sponsor, Glock.

A man in Florida died from a rare brain-eating amoeba infection, possibly after rinsing his sinuses with tap water. Police found the murder weapon … Navage!!

French photographer Francois Prost published a new photo book ‘Gentleman’s Club‘, with pictures of the exteriors of 150 strip clubs across the U.S. He decided on exterior portraits after having both arms and all of his cameras broken taking photos inside.

Convicted murderer and paralympic sprinter Oscar Pistorius is up for parole in South Africa. The news has really put a spring in his step.

Donald Trump released a plan to build ten new “Freedom Cities” with ‘baby bonuses’ paid to residents to incentivize childbirth – with payments made roughly nine months after Trump visits.

The Department of Transportation rolled out a new online dashboard showing which airlines charge extra fees for families to sit together. It also shows carriers such as Spirit, Frontier & Southwest – which don’t charge fees, but make you fight for it.

A 41-year-old former teacher on OnlyFans gives “report cards” to her subscribers on their genitals and “Miss Sarah” stickers to the most loyal fans. The loyal fans were disappointed they’re not scented stickers.

A young Australian mother who was filmed as her 11-month-old inhaled her vape device has broken her silence, expressing regret. She did add that her child is now hanging out with the cool babies at day care.

Four grey whales were found dead in the San Francisco Bay over the course of nine days. Investigators suspect a serial shark.

Three elderly females in India were accidentally given rabies vaccines instead of COVID-19 vaccines. They didn’t mind because they’re 75-year-old raccoons.

Taylor Swift released a rerecorded version of her 2008 album, ‘Fearless’ – her first rerelease since the rights to her early work were sold without her authorization. In order to recapture the feeling of 2008, she asked John Mayer to dump her again.

NFL QB Deshaun Watson – facing 22 accusations of sexual harassment – said he had sex with massage therapists, but it was consensual. Teammates have remained mostly silent, except for asking Watson for the phone numbers of his massage therapists.

‘My Pillow Guy’ Mike Lindell said he hired a private investigator to find out why he’s not allowed to appear on Fox News. The p.i. made one three-minute phone call, told Lindell, “because they know you’re nuts”, then sent him a bill.

Wine makers in France are starting fires in their vineyards to avoid a freeze during a cold snap. They’re hoping to avoid a wine shortage, or maybe start a new trend of drinking warm grape juice.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s family launched a website defending her reputation. It’s called Only Fans of Human Traffickers.

Oprah is fully vaccinated and plans on throwing a big taco party to celebrate. If you’re fully vaccinated and live near Oprah, you’re still not invited.

A 25-year-old caregiver at an assisted living facility accidentally shot a 71-year-old resident in the face with his new Glock handgun. Until further notice, the facility has postponed employee show-&-tell.

Prince Harry will attend the funeral of his grandfather, Prince Philip, but his pregnant wife Meghan Markle was told not to travel by her doctor..and the Queen..and her in-laws…and the general population of England.

Former NFL lineman Richie Incognito was arrested at his father’s funeral for threatening funeral home employees– he reportedly was so deranged that he “wanted his father’s head cut off for research purposes”.  Funeral employees offered to cut Richie’s head off also as a 2-for-1 special, and let mourners guess whose brain shows signs of CTE.

National Inquirer tabloid CEO David Pecker was granted immunity in exchange for his testimony into Donald Trump’s alleged hush payments to women during the 2016 presidential election. Bill Clinton told friends he wishes he’d been granted ‘pecker immunity’ to avoid impeachment in the 90s.

The State Department orders a travel advisory for Americans headed to Mexico after 8 dead bodies were found near Cancun. Mexican officials called the 8 murders “a light day”.

A Florida judge who was arrested on firearms charges last week reportedly shot and killed himself amid a hostage standoff with police, but only after calling for a lengthy recess.

President Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani said that Americans “would revolt” if Trump gets impeached. “We would, but who has time cause we all have great jobs!” said sarcastic Americans.

GOP Rep. Duncan Hunter, indicted for stealing $250,000 in campaign funds for personal use, threw his wife Margaret under the bus, saying she was in charge of family and campaign expenses. It’s the first sign that Hunter’s legal team will be using the “Women Be Shoppin!” defense strategy.

President Trump told Fox & Friends that he thinks “flipping” – prosecution leniency in exchange for witness testimony – should be illegal. Trump appeared on the show holding a Glock while wearing a “snitches get stitches” wifebeater & a black nylon do-rag.

Physical therapists report a rise in treatment of injuries suffered while texting and walking — including sprains, concussions from falls, and massive total-body trauma from being hit by people texting and driving.

Netflix is testing advertisements that run between episodes and movies. Some users are outraged, while others are frustrated at not being able to binge watch old ladies falling who can’t get up.

Shares of Korean casino corporation Landing International crashed by 50% after word that the company’s CEO, Yang Zhihui, was missing and unreachable. Panic ensued after a company spokesperson said that they’ve “looked everywhere – even the Champagne Room.”