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The New Jersey race for Governor is too close to call, and may take up to a week to determine which candidate won, and which gets whacked.

An Israeli court halted the auction of a tattoo kit, described by the seller as having been used on inmates at Auschwitz. The legality and authenticity are in question, since the tattoo templates are of a fighting leprechaun.

Facebook is ending its use of facial recognition technology, saying it will eliminate the face-recognition templates of over 1 billion people, and 50 million cats & dogs.

Zillow plans to lay off 25% of their workforce now that they’ve stopped buying and selling houses. The workers saw huge declines in their salary Zestimates.

Boston elected Michelle Wu as Mayor, the first woman and first person of color to hold the office. Things got off to a rough start during her victory speech when she said she can’t wait to sing ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’ for the Boston Celtics.

ISIS activity poses a threat to the new Taliban government in Afghanistan. “Yeah, maybe we sit this one out” said the United States.

Early reviews say Marvel’s ‘Eternals‘ debuts the first sex scene in the 13-year history of the Marvel Cinematic Universe – a claim disputed by purists insisting there’s a deleted scene of Ant-Man in the Wasp’s pants.

Astronauts aboard the International Space Station ate tacos made with green chiles grown in space. The leftovers will be returned to Earth and served at a public school cafeteria’s Taco Tuesday in 2025.

Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos reportedly had a lengthy dinner conversation with comedian Kevin Hart, to gauge Hart’s interest in offending the LGBTQ community.

Bravo announced a new ‘Housewives‘ spinoff series, ‘Real Housewives of Dubai‘. The kicker is, all the wives are married to the same guy.

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Grand Funk Railroad announced its summer tour, with special guests Little River Band and Blue Oyster Cult. Tickets are available by calling 1977.

A 9-year-old Utah girl and her 4-year-old sister wanted to swim in the ocean, so they drove the family car nearly 10 miles before getting into an accident. The 9-year-old also threatened to turn the car around and go back home if the 4-year-old kept asking for bathroom stops.

The defending NBA champion Los Angeles Lakers were eliminated in the first round of the playoffs by the Phoenix Suns. Lakers star Lebron James announced he’s “taking his talents to Miami” for a beach vacation.

A pop-up shop in San Francisco features robots that paint fingernails for $8. The shop was closed temporarily when a woman shoved her foot in the machine and the robot blacked out.

An Australian woman claims to have contracted ‘foreign accent syndrome’, when she mysteriously acquired an Irish accent after awaking from a tonsillectomy. She also can no longer move her arms when she dances.

Tennis star Naomi Osaka, who withdrew from the French Open citing depression and anxiety, was named the world’s 12th highest-paid athlete, earning $77 million in 2020. Other athletes are also depressed – that they don’t make nearly as much.

Baseball’s Cleveland Indians have narrowed down the list of new team names. Owner Paul Dolan said the team is looking to distance itself from the current name, so they’ll only consider non-Native American ethnic slurs.

Out Leadership, a business advisory firm focused on inclusiveness, ranked the 50 U.S. states for LGBTQ+ inclusivity. New York finished first, South Carolina finished last, and Mississippi was omitted because they couldn’t spell LGBTQ.

More than a dozen U.S. cities are exploring minimal or zero police presence responding to “mental health” 911 calls. Behavioral experts say they’re perfectly capable of shooting mentally impaired people themselves.

‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ star Widow Von’Du was arrested for assault after allegedly beating up a man who refused to leave her apartment, leaving him with 14 stitches on his face & head. Von’Du is now the betting favorite to win ‘RuPaul’s Summer Slam’.

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Godiva Chocolates is closing or selling all of their stores before March. Godiva, and thousands of relationships, will make their last stand this Valentine’s Day.

After complaining that a passenger seated behind him was coughing and sneezing non-stop, he was told by an angry Frontier Airlines flight attendant “you could drive instead”. Frontier then announced “you can drive instead” is their new ad slogan.

You Tube star JoJo Siwa announced she’s part of the LGBTQ+ community – specifically, the underrepresented singing-and-dancing part.

After being cited in an ethics complaint by seven fellow Senators, Josh Hawley of Missouri filed a counter-complaint against them, under the Articles Of I’m Rubber You’re Glue.

A plane pulling a banner calling Donald Trump a ‘pathetic loser’ flew over Mar-A-Lago. The plane was later identified as Air Force One.

President Biden will overturn restrictions on transgender persons serving in the U.S. military. However, transgender people are waiting to enlist while something is done about the hideous uniforms.

Researchers revealed California now has its own coronavirus variant. It prefers to be called Calivirus, and mutated to lose those ugly protruding spikes and lose weight.

Google Assistant added a Wellness section, which lets users ask about their personal fitness. But first the Assistant asks if you’re really ready to hear the answers.

Joe Biden replaced White House physician Dr. Sean Conley, after finally being examined at 3:30pm for a 2pm appointment.

Budweiser, Hyundai, Coke & Pepsi all announced they won’t run ads during the Super Bowl. Experts already predicted the lowest-rated ad during the game will be the 3-minute My Pillow Martial Law infomercial that runs in their place.

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After an F.B.I. sting, Demetrius Pitts was arrested for allegedly planning a Fourth of July attack in Cleveland. Pitts was charged with one count of attempting to provide material support to a terror organization, and one count of attempting to somehow make Cleveland even worse.

A television ad for a subscription razor service called Billie purports to be the first to ever to show women’s leg and armpit hair. Billie was applauded by the LGBT community for hiring so many of their models.

Harvey Weinstein faces three new sex-crime charges. His indictment on them premieres this Friday.

Singer Liam Payne of One Direction and his partner Cheryl Cole have split up, with Cole going in a Second Direction.

In honor of International Scoliosis Day, Great Britain’s Princess Eugenie, 28, shared x-rays of her scoliosis on Instagram. Horny teenage boys praised her for being curvy.

Producers of Top Gun sequel Top Gun: Maverick are reportedly casting the role of Goose’s son. Three young method actors have already suffered severe concussions auditioning the big ejection scene.

12 young Thai soccer players and their coach have, miraculously, been found alive after 9 days trapped in an underground cave after flash floods. When asked the first thing that they’d like to do after they get out of the cave, the kids said “fire our f**king coach.”

Tennis champion Roger Federer ended his longstanding clothing sponsorship with Nike and will wear tennis gear from Japanese supplier Uni Qlo.  Uni Qlo’s CEO said they’re thrilled to be partnering with a legendary player like Lodger Fedellel.

Taiwanese smartphone manufacturer HTC is laying off 1,500 employees, via a big, sad group text.

The website offering Official Trump Merchandise is holding a July 4th sale. Buyers get 40% off with coupon code FREEDOM.  The 40% off code is not valid on prison sentences.