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Rudy Giuliani tested positive for COVID-19, then lost 40 lawsuits challenging the results.

In another stinging defeat, Santa Claus threw out a letter from attorney Jenna Ellis demanding he overturn Donald Trump’s assignment to the Naughty list.

Google Maps now allows users to upload their own ‘Street View’ photos of businesses to the app. Now you can find that great new pizza place and see how it looks with a guy standing naked in front of it.

California residents are under a new stay-at-home order for the next three weeks, but most still managed to show up fashionably late for breakfast in their own kitchen.

A mystery illness causing nausea and seizures put over 300 people in the hospital in Southern India. In other news, McDonald’s introduced the McChicken Tikka Masala.

Bob Dylan reportedly sold his songwriting catalog to Universal Music Group for over $300 million. Dylan asked if they wanted his vocal tracks too, and Universal said “nah, you keep ’em”.

Disney Parks announced the temporary closure of the Expedition Everest attraction at Disney’s Animal Kingdom, adding they routinely remove guests who froze to death.

A man quarantining at a Taiwan hotel was fined $3,500 for stepping out of his room for eight seconds. Still no word on when, or if, the prostitute he’s looking for will arrive.

Melania Trump announced the completion of the new White House tennis pavilion, and the deportation of everyone who worked on it.

YouTube influencer Logan Paul, who knocked out Nate Robinson in a boxing exhibition match, will fight undefeated Floyd Mayweather in February. Paul will then record a post-match video for YouTube when he wakes up in April.

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Missouri Governor Eric Greitens admitted to an extramarital affair, but denied allegations of blackmailing his mistress with a nude photo taken during their meeting. “Show us!” said Missourians.

The U.S. Army is having difficulty finding physically fit recruits due to the U.S. obesity problem. The good news is that the Army is making money from hilarious obstacle course videos with the unfit recruits they do get.

James Franco has been accused of sexual misconduct by five women, including one on the set of 127 Hours, where she says Franco touched her with the hand that wasn’t stuck under a boulder.

Congressional Democrats are planning to wear black and bring sexual assault survivors as guests to President Trump’s first State of the Union address. Asked if she planned to wear black, First Lady Melania Trump said it depends on whether she can find the right shoes.

Walmart is raising its starting wage to $11/hour and giving $1,000 bonuses to eligible employees in response to the U.S. tax cut. Bonus recipients have various plans for the money, although most said they’ll use it to escape poverty for a few days.

China blocked the Marriott Hotels app and website as punishment for listing Tibet, Taiwan, Macau & Hong Kong as separate countries – frustrating U.S. college students booking Spring Break trips to Tibet to find enlightenment and get wasted.

YouTube is punishing Logan Paul for his infamous ‘suicide forest’ video. In addition to making it harder for advertisers to find and place ads on his videos, Paul will have to watch 200 hours of Philadelphia Eagles fan videos discussing their upcoming game in the NFC Divisional Playoffs.

An analysis from Rhodium Group cites the U.S. Transportation Sector – cars & trucks – as the largest source of harmful greenhouse gas emissions for the second consecutive year, followed by the Energy Sector, and the Fast-Casual Mexican Dining sector.

Pizza Hut is working with Toyota to deliver pizzas in driverless vehicles. Early trials have been a mix of successful deliveries and errors – such as vehicles driving through front doors trying to hit the doorbell, and a high rate of cars quitting to start a band.

Some women participating in the 2018 Women’s March on January 20-21 are planning to ditch last year’s popular pink ‘pussy hats’, which they say exclude transgender women and women of color whose genitals aren’t pink — and besides, it hides their kicky new haircut.