Collectibles maker Funko Pop will destroy $30 million worth of figurines to save money on storage space. They plan to recycle the plastic and make a dozen rare new Funko Pops of Brendan Fraser in The Whale.

Fraser took home the Best Actor Oscar for his portrayal of a dying morbidly obese man, then announced to avoid typecasting he declined the lead role in a biography of Marlon Brando.

The state of Delaware declined to renew a vegan car owner’s LUVTOFU vanity plate, because it could be interpreted as “love to f*** you”, and because the DMV fails to believe anyone genuinely loves tofu.

Apple is reportedly bringing new health-awareness features to its AirPods headphones, including the potential to test user’s hearing, and alerting them that they’re about to get hit by a bus.

A couple renovating their new Arkansas home opened a wall and found hundreds of empty Camel cigarette boxes and Viagra packages. They were even more shocked to learn it was the bedroom of the previous owner’s 11-year-old daughter.

Pope Francis marked his ten-year anniversary on the job, but he’ll probably just spend a quiet night at home with the boys.

Memphis Grizzlies Ja Morant lost his sponsorship deal with Coca-Cola’s Powerade, but is rumored to be working on a new ad where he sips 5 Hour Energy for the boost he needs to punch a 17-year-old kid in the face.

A customer is suing Buffalo Wild Wings over their use of the name ‘Boneless wings’ – saying they’re made from breast meat, not wing meat. BWW’s attorneys are privately relieved the suit doesn’t challenge if they’re actually made of chicken.

Federal regulators seized the assets of Silicon Valley Bank. Worse, the Consumer Product Safety Commission recalled the toasters they were giving out for opening new accounts.

Blac Chyna is undergoing treatments to remove silicone injections from her buttocks as well as breast reduction surgery. She’s losing so much size she’s changing her name from Blac Chyna to Blac Jypan.

Sarah Palin is entered in today’s special election in Alaska. Palin admits that she doesn’t understand the state’s new ranked-choice voting system, but hopes for enough support to make it to the Hollywood rounds of American Idol.

The Flash star Ezra Miller apologized for his recent behavior, including an arrest for felony burglary and assault allegations. Miller claims to be dealing with complex mental health issues and entered treatment, which he expects to complete in a fraction of a second.

An 88-year-old South Carolina woman living in a gated senior living community died after falling in to a pond. Unfortunately for her, the pond was a senior living community for alligators.

Christopher Lowe, director of the Shark Lab at Cal State Long Beach said “swimmers are bitten, but rarely consumed [by sharks] – proving humans are not on their menu”. That, or sharks just prefer a lower-fat diet.

The U.S. Government cancelled $3.6 billion in student loan debt accrued by former students of the now-defunct ITT Technical Institute. Average credit scores soared 20 points for Burger King employees.

A metal object from an aircraft fell from the sky and landed near the Maine State Capitol. It was identified based on writing scribbled on a piece of duct tape reading ‘Property Of Spirit Airlines’.

The World Health Organization is holding an open forum to rename monkeypox because of concerns the current name is derogatory or have racist connotations. Newly suggested names are Washington Virus Team and Cleveland Guardians.

A dog contracted monkeypox in the first known human-to-pet transmission. The dog reportedly slept in a bed with two infected men; the dog insists it slept-slept, not the other thing.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences apologized to Native American Sacheen Littlefeather for abuse she endured when appearing to refuse Marlon Brando’s 1973 Oscar for The Godfather on his behalf. Then they screwed up again when the apology included a peace pipe.

Tiger Woods is flying to Wilmington Delaware, site of the PGA Tour’s BMW Championship, to strategize how the PGA should handle player defections to the Saudi-backed LIV Tour. The visit was confirmed by a memo distributed to Wilmington-area hostesses at Perkins and TGI Fridays restaurants.

The Unicode Consortium announced 157 new emoji options will debut later this year. They include new smiley faces, sports and food – but sexual intercourse will still require using existing fruits and vegetables.

The widow of Richard Pryor said that the late comedian had sex with Marlon Brando. She said she wished they’d filmed it, making it the only funny movie Pryor would have appeared in.

Philadelphia expects 2 million revelers lining the streets for the Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl victory parade. With huge crowds and frigid cold, some are likening it to Philly’s annual New Years Day Mummers Parade – only this one brings races together and isn’t a national embarrassment.

Asked about the cost of the parade during a radio interview, Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney said “we’re paying for it…after 50-some years? We’ll find the money.” Kenney then announced that a 16-ounce soda bought in Philly will cost ten dollars.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi gave a marathon eight-hour speech on immigration to the House floor, Pelosi’s longest speech since giving her husband a recap of the 15-minute phone call she had with her sister earlier in the week.

Gloria Copeland, an evangelical minister and adviser to the Trump campaign, released a video saying that “Jesus is your flu shot”. While she’s been widely criticized, her followers agree that a quick chat with Jesus beats waiting 45 minutes in CVS.

President Trump’s plans for a July 4th ‘Military Parade’ is being criticized both for its purpose and its expense – not the least of which is the million dollars being demanded by Toby Keith to be Grand Marshal.

A naked man locked himself in the bathroom of an Alaska Airlines flight from Anchorage to Seattle, forcing the jet to return and remove him. Flight attendants said the man ‘wasn’t in his right mind’ and that he may have been trying to join the Mile Really Really High Club.

Brad Pitt was involved in a three-car pileup in Los Angeles. No one was injured and the actor exchanged information with the other two drivers, who called their friends so they could run into him and get his information too.

Omarosa made her debut on Celebrity Big Brother, and swiftly compared the show to the White House, saying that there’s backstabbing.  But that, on the bright side, there are far fewer people accused of sexual assault and domestic violence in the Big Brother House.