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According to the Brookings Institute, artificial intelligence is replacing a high percentage of ‘first jobs’, leaving middle managers wondering how to sexually harass artificial intelligence.

An author claims that secret FBI tapes exist, indicating Martin Luther King, Jr. had over 40 extramarital affairs. The authenticity of the claim is in question, but King apparently had more than one dream.

Virginia Beach officials are outraged that over 10 tons of trash were left on the beach over Memorial Day weekend at a ‘Floatopia’ summer kickoff – by the tons of trash who visited there.

Burger King states its restaurants serving the meatless Impossible Whopper experienced an 18% increase in traffic.  Arby’s stated restaurants serving their greek gyros experienced a 98% increase in traffic to the restrooms.

Actress Mandy Moore completed her climb to the base camp of Mount Everest. “There is so much magic in these mountains!” she wrote, as the bodies of dead climbers were dragged by her on sleds.

Apple announced it’s bringing back the iPod Touch. They asked prospective buyers if they thought they’d miss the phone function, to which they replied “the what?”

12 people were injured as tornados touched down in Kansas – all are expected to survive, but without any of them learning valuable lessons about heart, intellect & courage.

Pokemon GO will soon access players’ sleep data and give rewards for good sleep habits. Parents whose kids tell them they got a Squirtle in bed shouldn’t get too worried.

Alaska Airlines topped J.D. Power’s North American Airlines Satisfaction Ratings among traditional carriers. Frontier Airlines ranked last among all carriers, and charged passengers $49 to complete the survey.

Amazon announced you can now order voice assistant Alexa to forget what you just said. Alexa will confirm, but then somehow manage to bring it up the next time you get in a fight.

 

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The FDA is considering recalling furloughed food safety inspectors, citing the popularity of Chipotle’s new Lifestyle Bowls.

Ford sold out of a new $110,000 variant of its Lincoln Continental in just two days – the car is the first in years with center-opening “suicide doors”.  Although the Mexican drug gangs purchasing most of the vehicles prefer calling them “drive-by doors”.

Uber is experimenting with self-driving bikes and scooters, for people who can’t afford riding in self-driving cars, but who still want to be involved in fatal accidents.

Samsung may release three different versions of its upcoming Galaxy S10 phone, so customers can choose whether they want to keep their pocket warm, start a fire on an end table, or burn their whole house down.

GoFundMe launched a fundraising campaign to help furloughed Federal government workers. For just $750, you can buy a Pentagon purchasing employee a bag lunch.

The National Football League announced the referees for the Super Bowl. They selected every on-field & replay official graded “terrible” during the regular season, so fans can set their expectations accordingly.

Chinese authorities declared the work of He Jiankui – creator of the first gene-edited babies – illegal. He engineered the babies to be resistant to HIV. Authorities said they may consider leniency if his ‘genetically engineered boys with huge penises’ idea pans out.

Atlanta’s Mercedes-Benz Stadium – site of the Super Bowl – will keep ‘Fan First’ pricing in effect for concessions. Hot dogs will still be $2 and a beer will cost $5. The only exception: earplugs sold prior to the Maroon 5 halftime show, which will sell for $99.

Two women found a five-foot crater in the sand while walking on a New Jersey beach. They believe that it may have been caused by a meteorite strike, because of a rock they found in the center, and because Chris Christie hadn’t been to that beach in months.

President Trump marked Monday’s national holiday with a visit to the grave of Martin Luther King, Jr. Trump laid a wreath on the grave and wished King a belated Merry Christmas.

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The Philadelphia Eagles defeated the New England Patriots 41-33 to win Super Bowl LII. Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney is expected to hold a news conference with details about a citywide victory parade. Meanwhile, Satan, Mayor of Hell, is expected to brief residents with advice on dealing with Sunday night’s freezeover.

The Eagles parade route hasn’t been officially announced, although speculation is that floats will be set ablaze near City Hall, and flipped over on the way to the South Philly stadium complex.

Rebekah Martinez, a 22-year-old woman reported missing from Humboldt County, California, was found as a contestant on ABC’s ‘The Bachelor’. Martinez had told her parents that she was going to work on a marijuana farm, but hadn’t been heard from since leaving home. Her parents are relieved, but ashamed that she didn’t get the job on the marijuana farm.

The makers of Dodge Trucks are being criticized for using a sermon from Martin Luther King, Jr in their Super Bowl Ad. The company stood behind the ad, saying they’ve long admired Dr. King’s “I Have a Ram” speech.

Australian-owned luxury cruise line Scenic Cruises plans to commission its 2nd ship equipped with its own helicopter and submarine. They say the vessels will help affluent travelers get to hard-to-reach exotic locations, and will also help to transport vomiting norovirus victims to the middle of the ocean faster.

MMA fighter Timothy Woods attempted to throw his opponent, Tim Caron, to the mat, but instead landed on his head and knocked himself unconscious for several minutes, losing the bout. Woods also punched himself in a mirror when he woke up, losing the rematch.

Ray Lewis was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame, joining O.J. Simpson in the Acquitted Double Murderer wing.

Scientists claim to have discovered the first warm-bodied fish. It swims alone because it isn’t very smart and is named Ryan Lochte.

A joint women’s ice hockey team comprised of North and South Koreans played its first pre-Olympic match against a team from Sweden, losing 3-1. The North Korean players hope to improve their execution during the official games, and avoid execution once they arrive home after.

Cape Town, South Africa pushed back ‘Day Zero’ – the estimated day when it exhausts running water – from April 16 to May 11, citing a decrease in agricultural water use and its citizens’ unexpected strength ‘holding it’.