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Comcast introduced a new Video Doorbell to its Xfinity Home Security service, so you can see your empty front porch at the time the guy was supposed to show up to fix your tv service.

Amazon devices with the Alexa assistant now feature a Santa Claus voice. “Ho! Ho! Ho!..set your own goddamn kitchen timer, there’s only a week ’til Christmas Eve you dope”, said Santa/Alexa.

Melania Trump is selling NFTs. The first ones are from her topless modeling sessions, so they’re Nude Fake T*ts.

A troubling TikTok challenge urges school violence on December 17th. But a new wrinkle limits participation to only students who successfully complete the milk crate challenge in the school parking lot.

An FDA decision expands the ability of women in approved states to receive an abortion pill in the mail from a certified prescriber. However, overnight shipping is still the patient’s responsibility.

Former White House Communications Director Alyssa Farah spoke to CNN about the text she sent to Chief of Staff Mark Meadows while the January 6th riots unfolded; a text which read “where are our goddamn Big Macs?”

Pope Francis turns 85 today. So if you’re wondering where all the young boys around Vatican City are, it’s the birthday party.

Sony showed off its new smartphone camera sensor that gathers twice as much light to improve photos – huge news for the four Americans who buy Sony smartphones.

Miss Alaska was crowned Miss America – reinforcing the pageant’s strategic shift away from judging based on physical beauty.

Actor Chris Noth is accused by two women of sexual assault, marking the first time a Law & Order actor has been investigated by Law & Order SVU.

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Serena Williams pulled out of the French Open, citing issues with her pectoral muscle. On the advice of her doctor, her child will stop breast feeding with utensils.

Former UFC women’s champion Miesha Tate delivered a new baby girl, Amalia. She was held in submission for nine months, but finally tapped out of the birth canal after 67 hours of labor. Neither Miesha or Amalia have discussed a rematch.

An FBI agent dropped his gun while doing a backflip at a Denver-area bar; the gun discharged and hit a bar patron in the lower leg. The agent expressed his regret that he couldn’t get a shot for everyone.

Appearing on the Today show, President Bill Clinton said that he doesn’t feel that he owes Monica Lewinsky an apology, although he did offer to pay a dry cleaning bill.

Kim Jong Un replaced all three of North Korea’s top military officials prior to his summit meeting with U.S. President Trump in Singapore on June 12th, after finding all of their resumes on the office printer along with cover letters sent to General James Mattis.

In suburban Philadelphia, a student was stabbed at Upper Darby High School. Or, as they call it in suburban Philadelphia, “vocational training.”

Apple kicked off its Worldwide Developers Conference by announcing iOS12. It launches this fall, provided you’ve already started downloading it.

Howard Schulz is retiring at Chairman of the Board at Starbucks. He’s rumored to be running for President, once he figures out if visitors can use the White House bathrooms without buying a tour first.

Gretchen Carlson, former Miss America and current Chair of the Miss America organization, announced that the competition is no longer a pageant, and that there will be no swimsuit competition going forward. Entrants, however, can still wear push-up bras and tape their boobs together for the new calculus bee if they feel like it.

The Bonnaroo music festival announced that it will wash and swap attendees clothes for free. Visitors to the LaundROO Lounge can swap out and wear clean vintage clothes while theirs are washed in a machine from LG, sponsor of the lounge. Or if they’d rather get their own clean clothes back, they can wait in a patchouli bath and eat Tide pods.

 

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Nepal banned double amputees and blind climbers from scaling Mount Everest as part of new safety regulations. Officials hope to curb a wave of accidents from blind climbers tripping over the frozen corpses of double amputees and falling to their deaths.

The sidewalk outside of Apple’s new retail location in Chicago is roped off because dangerous icicles are dropping from the roof. Apple apologized for the hazard and for slowing down attempts to get its new lower-priced replacement batteries for iPhones.

President Trump invited members of the Coast Guard to golf with him during his Christmas break at Mar-A-Lago. The President thanked them for their service retrieving two dozen balls from the water hazard on a par-3.

Serena Williams returned to tennis for the first time since giving birth to her daughter Alexis, losing in an exhibition to Jelena Ostapenko in Abu Dhabi. Williams won a set, but struggled with her serve, which she attributed to a hindered motion caused by her breast pump.

Michael Neu, a 67-year-old man in Slidell, Louisiana, was arrested and charged with 269 counts of fraud for running a ‘Nigerian Prince’ email scam. Neu also cancelled his visit to  an upcoming Nigerian State Dinner at the White House to deliver Mr. Trump’s inheritance.

Iran blocked Instagram, angering Iranian housewives eager to share their pictures and recipes for fesenjan and explosives.

A Delta Airlines flight from Detroit to Atlanta returned to Detroit after the captain discovered a small bird in the cockpit. The captain said he diverted the flight to avoid a distraction, and because the bird was holding more than 3 ounces of vodka in its flask.

NBC announced that Hoda Kotb is officially replacing Matt Lauer as co-host of the Today show. Lauer sent a message of support, along with the traditional congratulatory dildo.

The Miss America organization named past winner & former Fox News host Gretchen Carlson as its new Chairperson. Carlson reportedly wowed the Board of Directors with both her plans for the pageant and a killer baton-twirling exhibition.

The City of Chicago closed out 2017 with a total of 650 murders, a 15% decline from 2016. City officials cited improved policing, and city residents downloading the ‘My Murder Prevention Pal’ app.

 

 

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ABC announced its newest Bachelor — 35 year-old race car driver Arie Luyendyk, Jr. Dozens of young women will now battle it out for pole position.

China has banned soft cheese imports. Now no one there has to worry about saying ‘brie’ or ‘camembert’ correctly.

A new Miss America will be crowned Sunday night. Miss Florida’s talent will be ‘getting out of Florida.’

UFC women’s fighter Paige VanZant told ‘The MMA Hour’ that she’s “passed out in her bathroom” cutting weight before fights. Her boyfriend said he passed out in the bathroom after she used it, too.

Chili’s announced that it’s eliminating 40% of its menu items, in a move that recent diners at Chili’s call ‘a good start’.

  • The chain made the move after research showed customers got confused looking through so many pictures to find the fajitas and ribs.

A 13 year-old girl in England who died from a brain aneurysm set a record by having 8 of her organs donated and successfully transplanted. The number would have been greater but one finicky recipient wanted blue eyes, not brown.

The FBI is investigating whether Uber used software to illegally interfere with its competitors. Uber denied the claim, saying its software is only used to gouge its own customers.

Anna Faris, now separated from husband Chris Pratt, said on her podcast that Pratt was not her best friend. Pratt said that Faris wasn’t his best friend either. Their nanny was.

Equifax announced one of the largest data breaches in U.S. history, with over 140 million persons’ records stolen, including names, addresses and social security numbers. Identity thieves expressed disappointment in how terrible everyone’s credit scores are.

Disney introduced a new group of 8 Mouseketeers – the first new group in 20 years. The new kids will star in the rebooted Club Mickey Mouse, which can only be viewed on social media. ‘Club Mickey Mouse’ is now parents’ most-blocked account on Facebook and Instagram.