By |

Donald Trump’s former CFO Allen Weisselberg was sentenced to five months in jail for lying about the value of Trump’s property. He’ll serve the sentence in a 10×10 cell at Rikers Island, which he values at $5 million dollars and 2,000 square feet.

Arizona’s Supreme Court upheld an abortion law drafted in 1864, which calls for a near total ban on abortion, and jail time for any blacksmith or General Store clerk who performs one.

Two suspects stole pallets of meat from a refrigerated truck in Northeast Philadelphia. Undercover cops are hoping to learn more about the operation once they get invited to the cookout.

The Environmental Protection Agency announced its first-ever regulations for “forever chemicals’ found in public tap water. All municipalities must test their water and grade it on a scale ranging from ‘clean’ to ‘Flint Michigan’.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard, paroled for the murder of her abusive mother, got a nose job. Blanchard said the parole board told her to keep her nose clean, but they didn’t say anything about changing it.

Travis Kelce said on his podcast that he’s “having a blast” with Taylor Swift and “doesn’t know” how he got her interested in sports. Listeners speculate that she’s in to sports now because Travis plays a professional sport and she’s having sex with him.

The FCC is requiring internet providers to provide ‘nutrition labels’ that spell out specifics on pricing, download/upload speeds, and fees – and for Comcast/Xfinity, the amount of time on hold each month waiting for customer service.

Dating app Bumble is evaluating its ‘women make the first move’ strategy, possibly changing to ‘women decide who makes the first move’. Men are confused about what it means, which Bumble feels better represents men’s struggle to figure out what the hell women want.

Insurance companies are reportedly using drones to fly over houses and denying coverage to homeowners based on what they see, such as trampolines and six-foot-deep holes in the ground.

Friends of country singer Morgan Wallen say his arrest for throwing a chair off of a Nashville roof is evidence of a “drinking problem”. While other friends defended Wallen, saying the real problem is the bar needs “heavier chairs”.

By |

The insurer providing Donald Trump’s $175 million appeal bond following his New York financial fraud conviction may not be approved to provide the money, since paperwork accompanying the bond revealed two-thirds of it to be Kohl’s Cash.

“My eyes hurt” was a top Google search term following the total solar eclipse. Another was ‘O vamt srr’ .. which is believed to be an attempt to search “I can’t see”.

Sex hormones from male fetuses reportedly shape the behavior of female fetuses when they share a womb. The females reportedly turn their backs on the males so they don’t have to see what gross stuff they’re doing.

Google rolled out their new Find My Device network, which allows owners to track their phones and other connected products. This follows the decades-long success of their ubiquitous Find My Personal Information And Profit From It network.

Country singer Morgan Wallen was arrested for throwing a chair off a six-story-high Nashville bar rooftop, just missing police standing on the sidewalk below. Wallen was identified to cops by the woman who grabbed on to a ledge while sitting in the chair.

Using a salt substitute for 10 years will improve heart health and prolong your life, according to a new study. However, the french fries you put it on will still kill you.

The NBA Charlotte Hornets will interview Lindsey Harding for their head coaching job, which would make her the first-ever female NBA head coach. Then they’ll interview three guys who got fired from other NBA teams and pick one of them.

Following a sting operation, a mother/daughter duo in Houston, Texas were arrested for performing illegal butt injections. Houston Police also announced a promotion to Detective for the undercover officer with a really flat butt.

Kourtney Kardashian shared a post-partum bikini pic. Although maternity ward nurses weren’t thrilled helping her put it on four minutes after she gave birth.

A 58-year-old Canadian mother of five broke the Guinness World Record for women by holding an abdominal plank position for 4.5 hours. She accepted her certificate, then spent a few minutes mopping up the gym mat she used.

By |

An institutionalized Hawaii man described as a “psychopathic predator” – acquitted of a 1979 murder due to insanity – escaped a psychiatric hospital, took a taxi to Honolulu airport and flew to California. Police captured the fugitive, are reviewing his escape and determining how he booked all of that travel with Marlboro Miles.

The Food & Drug Administration approved a form of digital pill with an embedded sensor that tells your doctor when you take it.  The American Veterinary Association approved a similar pill that tells vets your dog or cat spit their pill out and are hiding under the sofa.

Senator John McCain blasted the U.S. Army for a report that they accept recruits with a history of self-mutilation, telling reporters that mutilation of recruits should be saved for basic training.

A U.S. man with a rare condition is the first to undergo gene editing in the body, and now goes by Jeanne.

The release date of superhero sequel Wonder Woman 2 has been moved six weeks earlier, to November 1st, from December 13th, 2019.  “Good luck with her being ready early” said her old boyfriend.

A rare alligator snapping turtle has been found in the forests of Illinois, the first such sighting in the state in 30 years. The 30-pound female is around 18-years-old and was discovered wandering alone, wondering where all of the cute guys are.

Taylor Swift surprised shoppers at a Nashville Target store with an unannounced  appearance, followed by the release of a store-exclusive diss track “Snake Getting Groceries”, aimed at people who asked her for selfies without buying her Reputation album first.

People magazine named Blake Shelton their ‘Sexiest Man Alive’, with the express condition he not write a terrible country song with that title.

Three UCLA men’s basketball players returned with the team from China, where they were detained after allegedly shoplifting Louis Vuitton sunglasses. Upon arrival in the U.S., the players updated their Amazon Wish Lists to include “new sunglasses”.

President Trump is breaking with tradition and will not meet the American winners of Nobel Prizes. The White House cited a scheduling conflict with the Arena Football League Champion Philadelphia Soul – assuming they accept.