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Donald Trump’s oldest sister died, according to the New York City coroner, and according to work crews shutting down the driving range at Trump National Golf Club in New Jersey to dig a hole.

As ABC’s hit The Golden Bachelor concludes, fans await the decision to name a senior ‘Golden Bachelorette’. Producers want a woman with good energy, camera presence, and – perhaps most important – who can stay alive for the whole show.

University of Michigan head football coach Jim Harbaugh will attend a Friday hearing regarding his suspension over the team illegally stealing playcalling signals from rivals. He’s sending his assistant coaches to scout other hearings to get a sense of how they go

The ESPNBet gambling app launches today. ESPN journalists are forbidden from placing wagers on sports they cover, but are free to become addicted to betting on all the other ones.

The United States Supreme Court adopted a Code Of Conduct. Justice Clarence Thomas asked when it starts because he’s pretty sure someone is getting him a new RV for Christmas.

Nepal banned TikTok, saying it disrupts social harmony. So tough luck if you wanted to see the Dalai Lama lip-synching to Cruel Summer (Taylor’s Version).

Tupac Shakur was nominated for a Grammy, and has a real shot.

As part of its comeback, Toys R Us is opening a store on the day before Thanksgiving in the U.S. largest retail location, Mall Of America. Parents are invited to bring their children to see which kid will have the first Toys R Us meltdown since 2018.

Tens of thousands of Jews rally in Washington DC today in support of Israel’s conflict with Hamas. It’s being treated by Homeland Security as a Level 1 Security Event – equal to the Super Bowl, only with a lot less athleticism and a lot more sweaters.

Applesauce pouches from WanaBana, Schnucks & Weis are being recalled due to high concentrations of lead. Parents are urged to check product labels, and to also see if their toddler feels heavier.

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Amazon is reportedly interested in acquiring Boost Mobile, in an effort to expand its relationships to more people with lousy credit.

A university study from Italy finds Twitter usage not only limits intellectual attainment, it undermines it. Their findings are being held up while they determine how to thread them in 280-character segments.

Kim Jong Un reportedly executed five government officials as punishment for a failed summit with Donald Trump, and is having a hell of a time getting someone to plan his kid’s birthday party.

Uber is investigating cases of “vomit fraud”, where drivers charge an extra $80-150 cleaning fee when vomiting never happened, or where passengers claim the dog riding with them took care of it.

A senior official for Nepal’s tourism department said they’re considering changes to limit crowding on Mount Everest, including requiring climbing experience, and letting climbers wait their turn at a new Starbucks.

Cher tweeted Donald Trump should be sexually assaulted in prison. Meanwhile, white-collar prisoners said they’d probably leave a 70-year-old alone, unless they got paid $130,000 to deny it happened.

Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge opened at Disneyland. Tragedy struck as two womp rats bullseyed by a T-16 Skyhopper turned out to be Chip & Dale, killing them both.

Tinder launched a new feature, Super Boost, which, for added fees, puts premium users in front of a list of profiles shown to possible matches for a half-hour. If that doesn’t work, there’s Super Duper Boost, which is a prostitute.

Slipknot singer Corey Taylor “blew out” his left testicle while practicing high notes. His right testicle was blown out by a VIP ticket holder after the show.

A blind autistic boy wowed the judges of America’s Got Talent with a moving piano/vocal performance, leading parents to go ahead and get their kids piano lessons and vaccines.

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Nepal banned double amputees and blind climbers from scaling Mount Everest as part of new safety regulations. Officials hope to curb a wave of accidents from blind climbers tripping over the frozen corpses of double amputees and falling to their deaths.

The sidewalk outside of Apple’s new retail location in Chicago is roped off because dangerous icicles are dropping from the roof. Apple apologized for the hazard and for slowing down attempts to get its new lower-priced replacement batteries for iPhones.

President Trump invited members of the Coast Guard to golf with him during his Christmas break at Mar-A-Lago. The President thanked them for their service retrieving two dozen balls from the water hazard on a par-3.

Serena Williams returned to tennis for the first time since giving birth to her daughter Alexis, losing in an exhibition to Jelena Ostapenko in Abu Dhabi. Williams won a set, but struggled with her serve, which she attributed to a hindered motion caused by her breast pump.

Michael Neu, a 67-year-old man in Slidell, Louisiana, was arrested and charged with 269 counts of fraud for running a ‘Nigerian Prince’ email scam. Neu also cancelled his visit to  an upcoming Nigerian State Dinner at the White House to deliver Mr. Trump’s inheritance.

Iran blocked Instagram, angering Iranian housewives eager to share their pictures and recipes for fesenjan and explosives.

A Delta Airlines flight from Detroit to Atlanta returned to Detroit after the captain discovered a small bird in the cockpit. The captain said he diverted the flight to avoid a distraction, and because the bird was holding more than 3 ounces of vodka in its flask.

NBC announced that Hoda Kotb is officially replacing Matt Lauer as co-host of the Today show. Lauer sent a message of support, along with the traditional congratulatory dildo.

The Miss America organization named past winner & former Fox News host Gretchen Carlson as its new Chairperson. Carlson reportedly wowed the Board of Directors with both her plans for the pageant and a killer baton-twirling exhibition.

The City of Chicago closed out 2017 with a total of 650 murders, a 15% decline from 2016. City officials cited improved policing, and city residents downloading the ‘My Murder Prevention Pal’ app.