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A 19-year-old U-Haul driver is accused of ramming a truck in to the fence at the White House. He was taken into custody, and the friends who are helping him move are wondering if they’ll ever get their free pizza.

The Los Angeles Dodgers reinvited a group of drag queens to their Pride Night celebration. They’d been excluded following conservative criticism, but were told by Major League Baseball they couldn’t be banned because they’re all members of the San Francisco Giants.

An empty plot of land in Dubai sold for $34 million – ending a bidding war between Dubai toddlers playing in the sand, and cats shitting in it.

A bird was killed after being struck by a baseball hit by Cleveland Guardians Will Brennan. Brennan was credited with a single; the bird was taken out of the game for lack of hustle.

New GOP presidential candidate Tim Scott fired back at Whoopi Goldberg for her saying that Scott, who’s black, has ‘Clarence Thomas syndrome’. Scott thinks the criticism is unjust, but also wouldn’t mind having a white billlionaire friend take him on expensive vacations.

A new study suggests people listen to sad songs to feel ‘connected’ to others. Men specifically listen to sad Taylor Swift songs because they want girls who like them to connect with them at the genitals.

Artificial intelligence company Sanctuary debuted Phoenix, their new humanoid robot that stands 5’7″ and can lift 55 pounds. Phoenix cost $20 million to build and can earn $17 an hour working at an Amazon warehouse.

One of America’s most popular handguns, the SIG Sauer P320 semi-automatic, is reportedly firing on its own even when holstered or sitting at rest. So say some police officers use it, as well as a guy who claims it shot his wife six times on its own.

The latest fashion trend amond Gen Z women is wearing only sheer bras and underwear as evening apparel. Men and women say they like seeing the look on Gen Z, but not on Gen XXXL.

A mother of two whose boyfriend of 15 years dumped her before their wedding spent $37,000 on a ‘revenge body’ – including a boob job, face lift, lip fillers, hair transplants, a Brazilian butt lift, liposuction, and vagina tightening. The ex-boyfriend asked how much it would cost for her to lose her kids.

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A family of wild bobcats is living on a woman’s front porch in the Arizona suburbs. Wildlife officials warned the woman not to feed them. She doesn’t, but is concerned that they’ve already been getting Amazon and Doordash deliveries.

Conservative Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas said federal laws against marijuana may no longer be necessary. In other news, fellow Justice Stephen Breyer just gave Clarence Thomas his first marijuana gummy bear.

Downtown Philadelphia now has multiple marijuana dispensaries and just one fast-food burger restaurant. Uber drivers are getting rich driving high customers from one to the other.

The New York Yankees made 70-year-old Gwen Goldman a batgirl for Monday’s game, 60 years after they turned her down because she was a girl, and because she refused to go drinking with Mickey Mantle.

Dion Cini, who unfurled ‘Trump Won’ banners at several Major League Baseball stadiums, has been banned from all MLB games & facilities. He’ll now unfurl the banners in the minors in hope of working his way back up to the big leagues.

Ireland is limiting ‘indoor hospitality’ to vaccinated citizens only, due to fear that the Delta variant of COVID-19 could be spread during drunken bar brawls.

Philadelphia 76ers play-by-play announcer Marc Zumoff announced his retirement. Zumoff was lauded by the team for his consummate professionalism during his 27-year run, capped off by his ability to not curse at Ben Simmons in the 2021 Playoffs.

The man who jumped out of a taxiing American Airlines jet at LAX said he “smoked a lot of meth” before boarding. He did so after realizing he wasn’t flying Spirit Airlines so he couldn’t buy and smoke it in-flight.

Citizens are concerned that President Kim Jong Un has lost as much as 50 pounds. They’re not sure if it’s caused by illness, or the all-new North Korean Noom.

The Algerian Coast Guard found 1,000 pounds of cocaine floating in the ocean, then celebrated the retirement of everyone in the Algerian Coast Guard.

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The latest Fast & Furious film, ‘F9’, is being delayed from Memorial Day weekend until the end of June, as Fast & Furious producers play it Slow & Rational.

Justice Amy Coney Barrett issued her first majority opinion for the Supreme Court, once she copied it from Clarence Thomas’ handwriting.

Martin Cooper, acknowledged as the inventor of the cellphone in 1973, says the current ‘digital divide’, with 40% of students unable to afford broadband, is unacceptable. “Whatever, grandpa” said poor students.

Nine great apes at the San Diego Zoo were given an experimental COVID-19 vaccine after an outbreak, while apes not getting vaccines wondered what made the nine so great.

Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan turned down an allocation of the Johnson & Johnson COVID-19 vaccines, saying the Moderna and Pfizer vaccines are better, and besides it’s never been difficult to get shot in Detroit.

Tessica Brown, the ‘Gorilla Glue Girl’ who had glue surgically removed from her hair & scalp, had two lumps in her breasts examined, but they were benign. The most difficult part of the exam was ungluing the push-up bra from her chest.

A Tom Brady rookie card sold for $1.32 million – though Brady tried to have the value deflated a little.

The creative team making ‘Space Jam 2’ redrew the Lola Bunny character to make her less sexualized and more strong, with smaller breasts and longer shorts. A disappointed Bugs Bunny then dumped her and is dating Petunia Pig.

Roughly 30,000 Apple Mac computers are infected with ‘Red Sparrow’ malware. It’s unknown what the malware’s full purpose is, but Apple programmers knew it wasn’t theirs because it loaded in under a half-hour.

Off-price retailer Burlington – formerly Burlington Coat Factory – plans to double its 750 locations despite the pandemic. They say their low-income customer base wants more clothes that make them look & feel like they’re still in 2015.