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After six years in prison, hip-hop star Bobby Shmurda was released on Shparole.

Disney+ placed an ‘offensive content’ warning before some episodes of The Muppet Show. including Dr. Teeth & the Electric Mayhem’s cover of the Rolling Stones’ ‘Some Girls’.

NASA’s Perseverance rover sent back a recording of the wind on Mars, followed by a robotic sounding “excuse me”.

Six Flags will reopen all of its theme parks in 2021 and will hire ‘thousands’ of employees – including specialists trained to tell the difference between COVID vomiting and roller-coaster vomiting.

Stevie Wonder told Oprah Winfrey he’s moving to Ghana – or at least that’s what he thinks is going to happen.

Dr. Dre calls estranged wife Nicole Young a “greedy bitch” in a new rap, which he made the unfortunate choice of debuting in a family court hearing.

Martin Gugino, the elderly Buffalo man whose skull was fractured after being pushed to the ground by cops last summer during Black Lives Matter protests, is suing the city for millions in damages, although he’s expected to settle for a condo in Florida.

New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy signed a bill legalizing recreational marijuana, although state-sanctioned sales won’t be available until completion of the New Jersey Turnpike’s Wu-Tang Clan Service Area.

Meghan McCain criticized COVID vaccine distribution, asking “how I, Meghan McCain, co-host of The View” can’t know when she’ll be eligible. Ironically, many of her viewers are eligible because their immune systems are compromised from listening to Meghan McCain.

Emma Colonel Aspuro, 31-year-old wife of drug kingpin Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, was arrested on drug & conspiracy charges. She was detained after arriving at Dulles Airport in Virginia after emerging from the tunnel connecting it to Tijuana.

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After six years in prison, hip-hop star Bobby Shmurda was released on Shparole.

Disney+ placed an ‘offensive content’ warning before some episodes of The Muppet Show. including Dr. Teeth & the Elecrric Mayhem’s cover of the Rolling Stones’ ‘Some Girls’.

NASA’s Perseverance rover sent back a recording of the wind on Mars, followed by a robotic sounding “excuse me”.

Six Flags will reopen all of its theme parks in 2021 and will hire ‘thousands’ of employees – including specialists trained to tell the difference between COVID vomiting and roller-coaster vomiting.

Stevie Wonder told Oprah Winfrey he’s moving to Ghana – or at least that’s what he thinks is going to happen.

Dr. Dre calls estranged wife Nicole Young a “greedy bitch” in a new rap, which he made the unfortunate choice of debuting in a family court hearing.

Martin Gugino, the elderly Buffalo man whose skull was fractured after being pushed to the ground by cops last summer during Black Lives Matter protests, is suing the city for millions in damages, although he’s expected to settle for a condo in Florida.

New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy signed a bill legalizing recreational marijuana, although state-sanctioned sales won’t be available until completion of the New Jersey Turnpike’s Wu-Tang Clan Service Area.

Meghan McCain criticized COVID vaccine distribution, asking “how I, Meghan McCain, co-host of The View” can’t know when she’ll be eligible. Ironically, many of her viewers are eligible because their immune systems are compromised from listening to Meghan McCain.

Emma Colonel Aspuro, 31-year-old wife of drug kingpin Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, was arrested on drug & conspiracy charges. She was detained after arriving at Dulles Airport in Virginia after emerging from the tunnel connecting it to Tijuana.

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Alabama extended its mandatory mask order through January 22nd, which is fine with residents who don’t feel like taking theirs off to brush the teeth they have left anyway.

United Arab Emirates approved a Chinese COVID-19 vaccine, although recipients say an hour after they get it, they already want another Chinese vaccine.

Attorneys General from 48 U.S. states and several territories filed antitrust action against Facebook. Facebook states they anticipated the action, since it was organized in a Facebook Group.

A new study finds bees are defending their hives from murder hornets by lining the entry with animal dung. However, bee keepers are getting complaints from customers who say the honey tastes like horse shit.

Scientists clarified the origins of Pterosaurs – the dinosaur-era’s flying reptiles, saying “Now, when a Tyrannosaurus Rex and a Condor love each other very much…”

Experts state man-made materials now outweigh living organisms on Earth. But they expect living organisms to retake the lead after Christmas dinner.

Iowa surpassed 3,000 COVID-19 deaths, as the state switched to a new reporting & counting method. The horse is reportedly pretty sore after clomping his hoof 3,000 times.

Doordash stock climbed 80% from its initial offering price, to a per-share price of $182 – or, about as much tip money as a Doordash driver can expect to make in three years.

New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy announced the state developed a predictive model for COVID-19 infections, with outcomes ranging from ‘Fuggeddaboutit’ to ‘Everybody Gets Whacked’.

A new whale species was discovered off the coast of Mexico – capable of carrying two tons of cocaine to the coast of California.

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Philadelphia said city students without Internet access can do “remote learning” via wifi in parking lots, leading to a rash of kids stealing cars for school.

The FDA approved the first at-home tests for COVID-19, but there’s still a three-month wait for the at-home chemistry set you need to process it.

During a test run of its virtual NFL Draft, the Cincinnati Bengals first-overall pick was delayed 2 1/2 minutes. The Bengals notified Commissioner Goodell, who said their call was important to him, and please stay on the line for the next available representative.

Georgia’s Governor Brian Kemp advised residents to maintain social distancing, but also reopened hair & nail salons. This followed Georgia Tech’s successful demonstration of six-foot-long scissors.

Upright Citizens Brigade closed its theater and training center in New York. Founders launched the first-ever Don’t Fund Me so performers can continue to not get paid.

New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy visited the Wildwood shore boardwalk to survey storm damage. He may declare it a disaster area, then return when tourists arrive in summer to declare it an even bigger disaster area.

Still no confirmation from North Korea regarding Kim Jong Un’s condition. At first a  spokesperson said “He’s unwell.” – then corrected themself to say “Un? He’s well.”

Reacting to the pandemic’s effect on people of color, a McDonald’s in Guangzhou, China temporarily banned black customers – then remembered they never had any.

Congress approved $484 billion in aid for small businesses and hospitals, an undisclosed amount of which has already been claimed by Trump 19th Hole Urgent Care.

Online booze sales increased 400% in April, leading to hundreds of UPS driver and mailman DUIs.