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French Olympic pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati became a viral sensation after it appeared the bulge of his penis dislodged the bar during an attempt. He’s now dealing with rumors that he’s gay after the world clearly saw that rod-on-rod action.

Joaquin Guzman Lopez, son of Sinaloa Cartel drug kingpin Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, was arrested and charged with drug trafficking and money laundering. He pled not guilty in a Chicage court, where DEA agents called him a Chipo Off the El Chapo.

Los Angeles, California police are patrolling the Champs Elysees in Paris during the Summer Olympics. They say the scenery is marvelous, but they’re kind of bored without as many unarmed persons of color to shoot.

Aerosmith announced they will stop tourning because frontman Steven Tyler can no longer sing. However, Motley Crue announced they will continue touring despite frontman Vince Neil being unable to sing for the last twenty years.

An 82-year-old employee who’s worked at a Las Vegas McDonald’s for 15 years said he continues to work because he can’t afford to retire. He said he contributes to a 401k but was shocked to learn his contributions were matched with french fries.

Following the resignation of two different Miss USAs, Michigan’s Alma Cooper assumed the title. If she also chooses to resign, the crown will be given to the entrant with the next-largest breasts.

The first fatal crash of a Tesla Cybertruck was reported in Texas. The driver could have been saved, but most people driving by the wreck assumed a refrigerator had fallen off the delivery truck.

At Knowwhere Farm in Chesterfield, New Jersey, visitors can come hug a cow named Moo for free. Meanwhile at the Atlantic City Boardwalk, one named Dakota will hug you and do other stuff for around fifty dollars.

One million dollars worth of cocaine was reportedly blown on to a Florida Keys beach by Tropical Storm Debby. The storm was so powerful it was able to dislodge the cocaine from the rectums of people smuggling it on their boat.

Google was found to have a search engine monopoly in an anti-trust suit lodged by the Justice Department, and by guys who turned off SafeSearch and still ended up getting the same porn over and over again.

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Bruce Springsteen reportedly turned down a request to name a New Jersey Turnpike rest area after him. Travelers will miss out on the chance to get sick in the bathroom of the Bruce Springsteen Roy Rogers.

Evictions are expected to spike as a pandemic moratorium ends. Homeless people are cashing in by listing their appliance boxes and tarps on AirBNB.

The owners of the NFL’s Buffalo Bills are reportedly asking for over $1 billion in taxpayer money to fully fund a new stadium. One proposal calls for taxes on Buffalo tourism destinations, which would generate the money in about 1 million years.

The U.S. Women’s National Soccer team lost its Olympic semifinal match to Canada, 1-0. The crushing defeat deals a serious blow to the promotional plans of Subway and multiple feminine hygiene brands.

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Odell Beckham, Jr spent $1.8 million on new porcelain dental veneers framed with 13-carat diamonds. Beckham’s teammates claim he has horrible breath since he can only get his teeth brushed at a jewelry store.

ZZ Top frontman Billy Gibbons said that the deteriorating health of late bassist Dusty Hill was “a real big challenge”; adding that Hill dying is “an even bigger challenge”.

Google Translate will launch a new update, making it even easier for American jerks to argue over the timeliness and acccuracy of their ethnic food deliveries.

New York City officials ordered the removal of a two-story outdoor dining structure built by restaurant The Izakaya NYC. The structure violated building codes, and several people suffered broken limbs walking around looking for the 2nd-floor restroom.

A man pleaded guilty to the 1971 theft of a Revolutionary War rifle from the Valley Forge Historical Park Visitor Center. The rifle will be returned to the Center once restoration experts remove the Lynyrd Skynyrd and Toby Keith stickers from it.

Matt Damon said that he’s “retired” the word ‘f*ggot’ from his vocabulary over objections from his daughters, but now he needs new nicknames for Ben Affleck and George Clooney.

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Rodney Alcala, a serial murderer known as The Dating Game Killer, died in prison before he could be executed. The Wheel Of Fortune killer RE_AI_S AT LAR_E.

A woman who matched with a January 6th rioter on dating app Bumble turned him in to federal authorities. She wanted to meet at a coffee shop, he wanted to break into her house with dozens of his friends.

Doctors, nurses and other medical workers are demanding that all health care professionals get COVID-19 vaccines, except for maybe hospice caregivers because, well, you know..

A Bucks County, Pennsylvania contractor was fined for employing minors at his roofing company. He was reported after a customer saw him carrying a worker up a ladder on his shoulders as he held a Fisher-Price toolbox.

Las Vegas Police solved a 1989 cold case murder using a record-low volume of DNA cells – determining the killer was the victim’s cousin, who died in 1996. Jury selection begins next week for the trial of the suspect’s skeleton.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Kyle Richards – who is allergic to beestings – was briefly hospitalized after walking into a beehive. Her costars all walked into the same hive a day later after noticing Kyle’s fuller lips.

Rapper Lizzo posted a viral TikTok video twerking while wearing popular new “booty lifting” $19 Seasum leggings from Amazon. The leggings are also popular with Amazon warehouse workers because they, too, do a lot of heavy lifting.

The NFL’s Houston Texans appear to have reversed course and may trade disgruntled QB Deshaun Watson, who’s been named in over 20 sexual assault allegations. He’s been sued so many times, the league may put up a testimony tent next to the concussion one.

NBC Universal is being torched for putting Team USA Men’s Basketball opening-round Olympic loss to France on its struggling streaming service, Peacock. A spokesman said they put it on Peacock because they didn’t want viewers to miss the air fryer infomercial on CNBC.

It’s so hot at the Tokyo Olympics, Russian tennis player Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova shoved bags of ice up her skirt during changeovers. “Uh oh” said her boyfriend.