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Major League Baseball’s all-time hits leader Pete Rose turned 80. Instead of ‘Charlie Hustle’, now they call him ‘Charlie Walker’.

Disney Parks will allow ‘cast members’ to have visible tattoos, multiple earrings and gender inclusive hairstyles. Cruella de Vil got a butch cut, and Donald Duck shed feathers to reveal the Daisy tattoo on his lower abdomen.

Joe Biden announced a full U.S. troop withdrawal from Afghanistan on September 11th. The Taliban & other extremists are looking forward to the U.S. Armed Forces Tent Sale on bazooka & automatic rifles that starts September 4th.

Disgraced financier & Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff died in prison. Madoff promised to donate his organs to 50 different people.

Justin Bieber said in a new interview that his drug use was so bad, his bodyguards would check his pulse when he slept. The bodyguards would be relieved he was alive, and more relieved that he wasn’t singing.

Mexico promised increased efforts to tighten security on the southern U.S. border to stem the tide of illegal immigrants. So they hung over 100 ‘No Trespassing – Private Property’ signs on the wall.

Hayley Hasselhoff – daughter of ‘Baywatch’ star David – made history as Playboy’s first-ever plus-size cover model. Specifically, plus-size-besides-just-the-bra.

Darius, the world’s longest rabbit at 4 ft, 3 inches, was stolen from a home in England. His owner is offering a 1,000-pound reward for Darius’ safe return, and will even throw in one of his feet for good luck.

Experts recommend Facebook cancel its plans to launch ‘Instagram for Kids’. However, Kim Kardashian is demanding they go ahead with it, so her 2 and 3 year olds can become pull-up diaper influencers.

A Colorado district moved school start times back to 8:30 a.m., resulting in 45 minutes additional sleep time for students, according to a new study. This is in addition to the 50 minutes additional sleep each student got in health class.

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Seattle Mariners outfielder Ichiro Suzuki retired following the team’s game in his home country of Japan. Suzuki is professional baseball’s all-time base hit leader among players who have never had sex with a 15-year-old girl.

  • Baseball historians remain surprised that, between Suzuki and Pete Rose, the Japanese guy had the less-ridiculous haircut.

Carolina Panthers QB Cam Newton sets personal challenges each month. For February, the second month of the year, he ate vegan. For March, the third month, he’s celibate. So starting April, he’ll be fourth and long.

Country singer Justin Carter died after accidentally shooting himself in the head with a prop handgun on the set of a music video, prompting 10 other artists to write country songs about it.

Jimmy Carter turned 94 years, 171 days old today, surpassing George W. Bush’s record as Oldest Former Living President.  Donald Trump eagerly awaits his passing so he can tweet a bunch of mean sh*t about him.

Papa John’s hired Shaquille O’Neal to be its celebrity spokesperson, and also gave him a seat on its Board Of Directors. Papa John’s believes there is tremendous synergy, since most of their broke drivers totaling cars delivering pizzas are insured by The General.

Tesla is accusing a former employee of stealing trade secrets for self-driving cars and giving them to a Chinese rival. The employee claims he did so for the greater good, thinking China would be better off with cars driving themselves versus Chinese people doing so.

MillerCoors is suing the maker of Bud Light over what they claim are deceiving ads stating that Miller Lite and Coors Light contain corn syrup. Bud Light’s defense is that the ads aren’t all that effective, since domestic light beer drinkers really don’t care what’s in it to begin with.

Elementary school teachers in Indiana are asking for changes to sheriff’s department active shooter drills, saying they suffered welts & small cuts from fake bullets fired with Airsoft guns. For their part, the 2nd & 3rd graders had fun shooting their teachers.

Law enforcement officials made the largest cocaine bust ever at the Port of Philadelphia, seizing 992 pounds with a street value of $18 million — or, $36 million if it was sold in bags with a Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl logo on them.

Philadelphia may get the nation’s first medically-supervised injection facility for opioid addicts.  In order to manage traffic, users will be able to make reservations at OpenNeedle.com .