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Workers erected a ‘non-scalable’ fence around the White House grounds before the election. Wednesday marks the debut of Melania – Slovenian Human Cannonball.

A judge has ordered Phil Collins ex-wife Orianne and her new husband to vacate Collins’ Miami mansion by mid-January. “So, just another 70 days for you & me in paradise” said Orianne to her husband.

A federal judge ordered the U.S. Postal Service to use the Express Mail system to handle mail-in ballots this week, creating hundreds of new jobs for mules.

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson said the U.K. coronavirus lockdown may extend into next year – anything to keep the Dickens Christmas Carolers off the streets.

Talk show host Jeannie Mai was hospitalized with epiglottitis and withdrew from Dancing With The Stars, with both experiences leaving her pretty choked up.

Cardi B officially dropped divorce proceedings with husband Offset, notifying lawyers to file a motion of WAP – Withdraw All Paperwork.

Johnny Depp lost his libel lawsuit against British tabloid The Sun for calling him a wife beater. Depp plans to appeal, and to start a new career in the NFL.

KleinVision demonstrated its AirCar flying car during an event in Slovakia. It reached an altitude of 1500 feet and completed two takeoffs and landings. Sadly. on its third trip a 16-year-old Slovakian kid backed it into a stop sign while trying to parallel park.

Scaled-back Thanksgiving celebrations amidst the pandemic are worrying turkey farmers – but delighting families of turkeys who never imagined the whole gang getting together.

Donald Trump clarified his remarks about declaring early victory on Election Night – saying what he meant was he’ll be getting the McRib a full month ahead of its December relaunch.

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Former CBS News anchor Connie Chung commented on Donald Trump’s conflict with Lesley Stahl during their ’60 Minutes’ interview – then returned to her lab to process paternity tests for husband Maury Povich.

Facebook is launching a cloud gaming service, but only for Windows and Android devices because Apple won’t allow it – unless, of course, Facebook releases Apple’s favorite game, Pay Up Or Else.

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson cut open his face while throwing 50-pound metal chains at the gym. The wound required several stitches from a doctor stunned to see blood from a Rock.

Phil Collins’ attorneys sent a cease-and-desist letter to Donald Trump, demanding that he stop playing ‘In The Air Tonight‘ at his rallies – but that Trump could still use ‘Against All Odds‘ if he wants.

A new study finds diet sodas increase the risk of heart attack and stroke, especially new Coke Zero Heart Rate.

NASA said they discovered traces of water on the Moon. They had planned a new mission to inspect it, until they found Neil Armstrong’s Dixie cups discarded next to it.

Unnamed Fox News anchors are in quarantine after being exposed to a COVID-19 positive individual on a private plane. Fox News said they’re shocked it’s only a few employees, since all of them are required to kiss Donald Trump’s ass.

Experts say school ventilation systems should be capable of filtering and changing out the air in classrooms 3 times an hour. However, to ensure safe breathing, that should increase to 6 times during the pandemic, and Taco Tuesday.

Bud Light Hard Seltzer released three new Holiday flavors: Ginger Snap, Peppermint Pattie and Apple Crisp. They’re being sold in a 12-can Ugly Sweater Pack, which is how your sweater will look after you vomit the new flavors on to it.

A California mailman encountered a man who had cut his arm with a chain saw and bleeding profusely. The mailman quickly used his belt as a tourniquet, but delivered it to the wrong arm.