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Florida sent dozens of Venezuelan migrants to Martha’s Vineyard on charter flights as a political statement against open borders. The migrants may have been lied to, because when they arrived they asked what time the James Taylor concert started, and when their new jobs begin at Obama’s summer house.

A nationwide strike of railroad workers appears to have been averted after marathon talks between the federal government, railroad union leaders, and really persuasive hobos.

A source tells news organizations that Tom Brady and wife Gisele Bundchen are “living separately” due to a rift caused by his decision to unretire. Their differences could not be repaired even after Brady left training camp for a week to join Bundchen at Gronkowski Relationship Counseling Center.

A Chick-fil-A worker broke up a parking lot carjacking attempt, where the suspect punched the employee in the face while trying to steal a woman’s car with a baby inside. “My plesshr” said the employee through missing teeth when thanked for his heroism.

Starbucks is rolling out a new plan to speed up service – limiting customer drink orders to twenty words or less.

Kim Kardashian said she’s done dating entertainers, and that her next boyfriend could be a neuroscientist. Kim’s Instagram DMs are currently frozen due to an influx of photos from neuroscientists with unusually large penises.

A Chicago court found R. Kelly guilty on 6 charges of child pornography and not guilty of 7 others. “See! I TOLD you I was innocent!” he said.

TikTok executives would not commit to stopping the flow of U.S.’ users personal data to China. However, TikTok said China’s government is taking steps to ensure their citizens aren’t exposed to terrible standup comedy bits.

A new book claims Melania Trump told her husband “you’re blowing this” regarding the COVID-19 pandemic. The book claims Donald Trump said the same thing to a Playboy Playmate, a porn star, and multiple Miss Teen USA contestants.

Disney World guests are complaining that, despite rising ticket prices, the rides are often broken, and the park is filthy. It’s so bad, Pluto now takes a dump on the sidewalk and Mickey just leaves it there.

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Japan will release contaminated wastewater from the closed Fukushima nuclear power plant into the Pacific Ocean over the course of ten years. The bad news is nuclear contamination; the good news is octopuses will have 16 legs.

Wyatt Pike, a singer who’d made the top 12 finalists on American Idol, abruptly quit the contest for “personal reasons”. It’s the most memorable thing an American Idol contestant or winner has done in the last 15 years.

Hard seltzer maker White Claw introduced White Claw Surge, with a higher alcohol content of 8%. “Surge” represents the stomach contents of underage drinkers.

NBC will air ‘Roll Up Your Sleeves’, a special where celebrities, the Bidens, and Obamas discuss the importance of COVID-19 vaccines. Fox will air a competing special, ‘Pull Down Your Pants’, a reading of text messages from Donald Trump and Matt Gaetz.

The Buffalo Bills announced a COVID-19 vaccine will be required to attend games in the fall, in addition to the current requirement of failing a breathalyzer.

Subway closed over 1,800 locations since the beginning of the pandemic. Experts say they’ve been hurt by the lack of drive-thrus, and not having a chicken sandwich, which violates Subway’s policy of putting a visible amount of meat on bread.

A women’s soccer match between the Portland Thorns and Kansas City NWSL ended in fights, with four players being ejected. The fights started because of rough play, and players angry that their teammates wore the same outfit and shoes.

Investigators seized the iPhone of Congressman Matt Gaetz as part of their investigation into alleged trafficking. Gaetz was just two weeks away from an upgrade to a new phone without Venmo payments for sex with teenagers.

Former ‘The Bachelor’ star Colton Underwood came out as gay. Bachelorettes say this explains their nights with him in the ‘Fantasy Suites’ singing Lady Gaga karaoke and making Grindr profiles as a ‘goof’.

Egypt impounded the Ever Given, saying the ship’s Japanese owner owes $900 million for the week it blocked the Suez Canal, and for the operation to free it. It’s the largest fine ever levied in Egyptian Traffic Court.