By |

President Trump signed a declaration to create the Space Force — a task force to find space for all of the children being put in cages by his zero-tolerance immigration policy.

Microsoft – who works with ICE and the Border Patrol – urged the Trump Administration to reconsider the zero-tolerance policy and end the separation of families. Apple has yet to comment, but asked border agents if the detained children wanted to kill time learning to assemble iPads.

14% of U.S. adults now smoke cigarettes – an all-time low. While health officials praise the decline, the general population is concerned about how much harder it is to figure out who the cool people are.

An articulated python killed a woman and swallowed her whole in Indonesia. 54-year-old Tiba Wa was checking on her home vegetable garden. The python was also there checking on food, but was not vegetarian.

In other Indonesian news, a North Toraja man died when the coffin of his deceased mother fell on him at her funeral. The man had repeatedly said his mother was suffocating him, but, in fact, he died of head injuries.

The U.S. Golf Association apologized for Fox Sports U.S. Open golf broadcast, when mics picked up two male spectators talking about aggressive sex, with one saying that he “headbutted” and “smacked” his female sex partner. The men said they were whispering, but Tiger Woods asked them to speak up.

Queen Elizabeth’s cousin, Lord Ivar Mountbatten, will become the first member of the Royal Family to be wed in a gay marriage. Asked if the Queen will be in attendance, Lord Mountbatten replied “which one?”

Developer Niantic announced that they’ll soon add Pokémon trading to mobile game Pokémon Go. Though many adults have already been trading Pokémon for healthy relationships.

A woodchuck is being blamed for stealing American flags from veterans’ burial plots at a Massachusetts graveyard. The woodchuck said he’s presenting the flags to widows of veteran woodchucks hit by cars.

Two Akron, Ohio firefighters have been suspended amid accusations that they filmed a pornographic video in a municipal fire station. The film depicts several methods for sliding down a fire pole.

By |

A study of 182 men and women with sleep apnea showed that use of a CPAP machine & mask can improve sex lives — just not oral sex.

The Washington Post reported that the United States lost 1,475 immigrant children last year, and that the Immigration & Naturalization Department has been inundated with questions from parents asking to sign their kids up for this program.

22-year-old Mamoudou Gassama is a hero after viral video showed him climbing four stories of balconies on a Paris building to rescue a 4-year-old child dangling from a balcony. The child’s father was reportedly playing Pokemon Go at the time, and when he saw his child’s predicament, he dropped his phone, leaving a Squirtle to fall to its death.

Hulk Hogan apologized after mistakenly tweeting that Jackass’ co-star Bam Margera had died. Hogan later tweeted that he had confused Jackass’ Ryan Dunn, who is dead, with Margera’s career.

Over 8,000 Starbucks locations are closed today for racial bias training, resulting in 24-hour delays in the completion of tens of thousands of awesome novels and screenplays.

Mormon Mitt Romney said that Donald Trump “is not a role model” for his grandkids. Romney added that, yes, Trump has had three wives, but not all at the same time.

At Napa Valley’s BottleRock music festival, Snoop Dogg set the Guinness World Record for mixing the largest glass of gin & juice. However, thousands of festivalgoers were turned away from sharing it, ’cause they brought they cups but they ain’t chipped in.

President Donald Trump is placing 25% tariffs on $50 Billion in Chinese-made goods. The list of items will be announced on June 15th, after Trump has had time to make sure his hotels and golf courses have everything they need.

Tom Garrett, Republican U.S. Representative from Virginia, will not seek reelection and will undergo treatment for alcoholism. “Pussy” said a spokesperson for the Kennedy family.

Uber is testing a new Emergency Call feature in its app, that – with the press of a button – notifies police if a rider is in trouble. So far the 911-like feature has resulted in the police rescue of dozens of riders who didn’t like the radio station or needed the air conditioning adjusted.

By |

An elderly couple with 60 lbs of marijuana told arresting officers that the weed was for Xmas gifts. “Better let Santa take care of it, then!”, said a white-bearded obese cop before the evidence vanished.

The original Papa John, John Schnatter, is out as company CEO. He’ll be replaced by the COO, who promises to do just as good a job kissing Peyton Manning’s ass.

Darryl Strawberry said that he had sex during Mets games. Usually after both he and Lenny Dykstra had struck out.

A hotel charged guests $350 after they left bad online reviews, so the Indiana state Attorney General is suing on their behalf. Motel 6, we’ll leave the grudge on for you.

Mark Hamill, displeased with his character’s storyline in The Last Jedi, said of it “He’s not my Luke Skywalker”. Replied Disney CEO Robert Iger “He sure isn’t!” before placing a Storm Trooper helmet on his naked body and rolling around in his multi-million dollar Xmas bonus.

The United Nations imposed new sanctions on North Korea for their repeated tests of nuclear missiles. The rules include cutbacks on refined oil imports and reduced imports of other goods. The U.N. rejected U.S. Ambassador Nikki Haley’s suggestion of “no Playstation for a week”, while noting her comment that it always gets her kids’ attention.

Apple admitted to slowing down the performance of older iPhones to match degradation in battery life. Apple is being sued by several groups, including a group of iPhone 5 owners who say the Pokemon just expose themselves and give them the finger, knowing they’ll never be caught.

A winter storm is expected to move eastward and snarl land and air traffic on Christmas Eve; creating a lot of anxiety in the wake of Rudolph’s suspension for inappropriate contact with Clarice.

U.S. Border Patrol agents are furious after finding out that they unwittingly provided security for the wedding of a convicted U.S. citizen drug smuggler to his Mexican bride. Agents became suspicious when she was ‘given away’ by El Chapo, and when guests showered the newlyweds in crystal meth.

Vice President Mike Pence made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. He called his wife back home, and she reportedly expressed concern that the women there were showing a lot of eyehole.

 

 

 

By |

A ‘Women of NASA’ LEGO set will be released on November 1st.  Collectors are already demanding to know why Princess Leia isn’t included in it.

  • The hope is that the set will encourage more young women to pursue careers in STEM fields, or to get jobs stacking bricks.

Boston company Global Protection introduced myONE Perfect fit, a line of 60 custom-fit condoms offered in 10 different lengths and 9 different widths, all of which ship in foil packages labeled XXL.

  • Men interested in trying the product can download a kit to measure their penis, to ensure both proper fit and guaranteed disappointment in the result.

SeaWorld announced they’re laying off 350 workers. Employees arrived to find notes pinned to the tanks reading “Go, fish.”

Ivanka Trump contributes several paragraphs to her mother Ivana’s memoir Raising Trump, claiming that she went through a “punk phase”. As proof, Ivanka produced ticket stubs from a Jem and the Holograms concert.

Billy Joel’s wife is pregnant, answering critics who state he hasn’t come out with anything new in decades.

Google Maps removed a feature where walking distances were equated to the number of cupcake calories burned, after complaints that it would trigger those with eating disorders. Critics complained that the move was too politically correct, and that people with eating disorders are probably driving to get their cupcakes anyway.

Secret Service agents arrested a Kentucky man after he scaled the White House fence wearing a Pikachu costume. The incident inspired a new mobile game, Pokemon Freeze Or We’ll Blow Your Head Off.

Delta Airlines debuted its new Airbus A350 widebody jet on Tuesday in Atlanta, taking journalists on a 2p demonstration flight that left at 5p due to mechanical issues.

The National Retail Federation projects Halloween spending will hit a record high of $9.1 Billion this year. Spending on costumes projects at $3.4 Billion, candy at $2.7 Billion, and the rest spent on decorations, DUI lawyers, and pressure washers to clean houses that give out candy corn.

Florida Governor Rick Scott declared a state of emergency in advance of white supremacist Richard Spencer’s scheduled speech at the University of Florida in Gainesville. Spencer’s speech is a ticketed event, as opposed to most southern racism, which is general admission.