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Eight concertgoers died in a crowd surge at Travis Scott’s Astroworld festival in Houston. Travis Scott Meals at McDonald’s now contain business cards from Rand Spear and Morgan & Morgan.

Travis Scott’s pregnant girlfriend Kylie Jenner was unhurt, citing protection from her sturdy front & rear bumpers.

According to a new book from ABC White House Correspondent Jon Karl, Donald Trump threatened to leave the Republican Party after his 2020 defeat, to join forces with Mike Lindell and form the Pillow Fight Party.

Republicans called a COVID vaccination Tweet from Big Bird “propaganda”. Oscar the Grouch & Aaron Rodgers consulted with Joe Rogan on how best to address their vaccination status.

State Farm pulled back on ads featuring Aaron Rodgers over the weekend, switching to ads featuring customers thanking “Jake” for their great home & auto rates while hooked up to ventilators.

Archaeologists unearthed slave quarters in the ancient city of Pompeii, that contained beds, harnesses, and the worst wifi reception ever.

Macaulay Culkin was a surprise model in a Gucci fashion show. Culkin walked the makeshift runway on Hollywood Boulevard, but several other models left with foot injuries from stepping on toy cars and light bulbs.

State Street Global Advisors, one of the world’s largest investment firms, announced managers will need ‘special permission’ to hire white males as part of their diversity & inclusion initiative. Five white guys have already been fired after Bosom Buddy-ing their way past H.R.

Rich Dad, Poor Dad author Robert Kiyosaki continues to predict a giant, inflation-driven recession, adding there are only three safe investments: gold, silver & Bitcoin. Kiyosaki gave the prediction on his new podcast with Scrooge McDuck.

An 89-year-old man completed his third doctorate degree. Those attending his latest PhD thesis presentation said they’ve seen people fall asleep before, but never the presenter.

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At the PGA Tour’s Workday Championship, several players honored Tiger Woods by wearing his signature Sunday outfit of a red shirt & black pants – then hitting on female servers in the clubhouse, and crashing their hospitality cars.

A new study claims the COVID-19 pandemic and lockdowns are causing married couples to have less sex, coining the new phrase “not tonight, I’m on a ventilator”.

A 74-year-old Florida man drowned while looking for a lost golf ball – the state’s first Putt-Putt fatality of 2021.

A live YouTube chat about chess was mistakenly shut down for hate speech by artificial intelligence screening for words like “black”, “white” & “attack”. A human moderator restored it, telling all of the queens to have a good time.

Taylor Swift reacted angrily to a line in Netflix show ‘Ginny and Georgia’, where a woman says her daughter “Goes through men faster than Taylor Swift”. Swift called it “sexist horse sh*t”. “We liked it” said Jake Gyllenhall, John Mayer, Harry Styles, Tom Hiddleston & others.

A study claims the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine may be less effective in people with obesity. The study said they might want to try longer needles.

Physics researchers discovered the swirlon, a new state of active matter in motion. They found it while studying the matter around their heads when bullies shoved them in toilets.

Excavators unearthed a near-fully-intact bronze-and-tin chariot from the lost city of Pompeii. However, despite repeated attempts, they couldn’t get the horses to start.

A 24-year-old man was arrested for crashing through the gate of Kim Kardashian’s home because he wanted to see her. Cops then asked Kardashian to stand up and turn sideways so the guy could see her from a mile away.

Two women were removed from an American Airlines flight for using racial slurs and fighting with a male passenger. Their Texas-to-California flight was diverted to Phoenix, where they were arrested, then rebooked on a Spirit Airlines flight where they were two of the nicer passengers.

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After a bombardment of criticism for faking a Spanish accent, Hilaria/Hillary Baldwin announced she’s taking a siesta from social media.

Home health care workers in Germany received COVID-19 vaccines containing five times the normal dosage. They claim the mistake hasn’t yielded any adverse side effects, other than rage-induced super strength.

Reality TV star D’Andra Simmons is hospitalized with acute COVID-19 symptoms, and can be seen in upcoming episodes of Bravo’s ‘Real IntensiveCareWives of Dallas’.

The Washington Football Team released quarterback Dwayne Haskins, making him Unemployed Football Individual.

Lori Loughlin was forced to isolate for the last two weeks of her prison sentence due to a COVID outbreak – time she used to write a first draft of holiday movie ‘Jail Alone’.

Anime film ‘Demon Slayer’ became Japan’s highest-grossing movie ever. If you want to know what it’s about, ask your weird 36-year-old cousin who still lives with his parents.

Google removed the wide-angle astrophotography function from its Pixel 5 and Pixel 4a 5G phones without explanation. It allowed users to take photos of stars in the night sky, and of their neighbor’s dimly-lit upstairs bedroom.

Archaeologists in Pompeii discovered a ‘termopolium’, or street-food stand, predating the destruction of the city by Mount Vesuvius. Wall paintings depicted the menu items, and let customers know that guacamole would be a little extra.

Demi Lovato posted a swimsuit photo on Instagram, with her stretch marks painted over in gold glitter. Fans praised her show of body positivity and determination, since the picture required two trips to Hobby Lobby for more glitter paint.

The state of Maine reported 7 new COVID-19 deaths, but said they can still be eaten with lemon butter after a thorough boiling.