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NFL legend Deion Sanders said his Pro Football Hall of Fame bust looks like ‘a white dude from Upstate New York’.  “See? I told you I was a great athlete!” said white dudes from Upstate New York to their wives and girlfriends.

Taylor Swift changed the logo on her ‘Folklore’ album merchandise after the owner of a black-owned business – named ‘The Folklore’ – called her on it. Swift’s team agreed to change the logo, which now reads ‘The Thriller’.

Donald Trump tweeted a suggestion that the November election be delayed because of the coronavirus. He’s suggesting a move from the 3rd of the month to the 31st.

Sonic Drive-In unveiled its first redesigned restaurant in Tahlequah, Oklahoma, featuring a covered patio and lawn games. The grand opening was attended by a hand-selected VIP list of pre-diabetics.

Buffalo Bills defensive lineman Star Lotulelei has opted out of the upcoming NFL season. The Bills told other players they’re also free to opt out, that you don’t have to be a Star to not be in their show.

Archaeologists say they’ve discovered the likely source of Stonehenge’s giant Sarsen stones – bigger stones.

The Yaraka Hotel in the rural Australian outback banned two local emus, Kevin & Carol, because they learned to climb the stairs from the lobby to the pub, where they steal food. Kevin & Carol said they only used the stairs because the elevator was broken.

Manhattan judge Loretta Preska has agreed to delay the unsealing of depositions related to Ghislaine Maxwell’s sex life until Maxwell can file an appeal, and until the Trump Foundation’s check clears.

Despite an announced plan to move them out of the city, federal agents once again tear-gassed protesters in Portland. The agents claim they needed to use up the tear gas because there just isn’t enough room in their carry-ons for the flight home.

A Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department investigation concluded that a Starbucks employee put a cleaning cloth – not a tampon, as originally reported – in an off-duty cop’s drink. Employees at the coffee shop then resumed wiping down tables and chairs with tampons.

 

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A Washington state man allegedly hiding drugs in his rectum accidentally shot himself in the testicles with a gun hidden in his pants. Police told him he had the right to remain silent, because they were afraid of what he had hidden in his mouth. [story h/t to J.O.]

Cable giant Comcast is developing an in-home device that monitors health and provides help when it detects users having a serious medical episode. By ‘help’, it means allowing you to pay your final bill with voice commands before you die.

Sylvester Stallone kept the two pet turtles – ‘Cuff’ and ‘Link’ – from the original Rocky film in the mid-70s, and reports that they’re each alive and 44 years old. Like Stallone, they’ve each been married and divorced several times.

Brian Hickerson, boyfriend of actress Hayden Panetierre, has been hit with a restraining order following a domestic violence arrest. He’s been ordered to stay 100 yards away, but was given a telescope so he can see the 4-foot-11-inch actress from a distance to make sure he’s complying.

Students from the University of Southern California’s Rocket Propulsion Lab are the first in-school team to send a rocket outside of Earth’s atmosphere. Hollywood celebrities took note and are paying six figures to get their kids on USC’s Rocket Team.

Paramount Pictures pushed back the release of Sonic the Hedgehog three months, to February 14, 2020. The added time is needed to update Sonic visual effects, and for a marketing campaign touting it as the Perfect Valentine’s Day Breakup Movie.

Retired NFL QB Donovan McNabb told TMZ he believes he should be in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, since he has better career numbers than Dallas Cowboys’ HOF QB Troy Aikman. McNabb concedes that Aikman has more Super Bowl rings, but he out-vomited Aikman in Super Bowls.

Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West are reportedly attempting to trademark the name of their newest child, Psalm. If successful, churches will no longer be able to refer to Psalms by name, instead calling them ‘good ol’ catchy prayers from the back of the Bible’.

Simon Cowell said he’s lost twenty pounds on a vegan diet. He says he feels great and is still a huge dick.

Amazon is now offering free tours of its Fulfillment Centers, so visitors as young as 6 years old can learn how corporate slavery works.

 

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The Philadelphia Eagles defeated the New England Patriots 41-33 to win Super Bowl LII. Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney is expected to hold a news conference with details about a citywide victory parade. Meanwhile, Satan, Mayor of Hell, is expected to brief residents with advice on dealing with Sunday night’s freezeover.

The Eagles parade route hasn’t been officially announced, although speculation is that floats will be set ablaze near City Hall, and flipped over on the way to the South Philly stadium complex.

Rebekah Martinez, a 22-year-old woman reported missing from Humboldt County, California, was found as a contestant on ABC’s ‘The Bachelor’. Martinez had told her parents that she was going to work on a marijuana farm, but hadn’t been heard from since leaving home. Her parents are relieved, but ashamed that she didn’t get the job on the marijuana farm.

The makers of Dodge Trucks are being criticized for using a sermon from Martin Luther King, Jr in their Super Bowl Ad. The company stood behind the ad, saying they’ve long admired Dr. King’s “I Have a Ram” speech.

Australian-owned luxury cruise line Scenic Cruises plans to commission its 2nd ship equipped with its own helicopter and submarine. They say the vessels will help affluent travelers get to hard-to-reach exotic locations, and will also help to transport vomiting norovirus victims to the middle of the ocean faster.

MMA fighter Timothy Woods attempted to throw his opponent, Tim Caron, to the mat, but instead landed on his head and knocked himself unconscious for several minutes, losing the bout. Woods also punched himself in a mirror when he woke up, losing the rematch.

Ray Lewis was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame, joining O.J. Simpson in the Acquitted Double Murderer wing.

Scientists claim to have discovered the first warm-bodied fish. It swims alone because it isn’t very smart and is named Ryan Lochte.

A joint women’s ice hockey team comprised of North and South Koreans played its first pre-Olympic match against a team from Sweden, losing 3-1. The North Korean players hope to improve their execution during the official games, and avoid execution once they arrive home after.

Cape Town, South Africa pushed back ‘Day Zero’ – the estimated day when it exhausts running water – from April 16 to May 11, citing a decrease in agricultural water use and its citizens’ unexpected strength ‘holding it’.