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QAnon Shaman Jacob Chansley was sentenced to 41 months in prison for his role in the January 6th riots. Separately, Chansley was stripped of his membership in the Water Buffalo Lodge by National President Barney Rubble.

Apple is selling self-service repair kits for iPhones. They come with tools, replacement parts, and slab of concrete you can drop the iPhone on to get started.

Mike Tyson claims he “died” while tripping on psychedelic toad venom – but not before the toad he licked died from a right cross to its head.

Following a housewarming party to celebrate the purchase of a $6.4 million mansion in Salisbury Township, Pennsylvania, the home was destroyed by fire. Firefighters declared the house “warm”.

A lab owned by pharmaceutical company Merck was temporarily shut down when workers found refrigerated vials labeled “smallpox”. They were declared the second-most toxic items in the refrigerator, next to some guy’s leftover Indian food.

A woman claimed Pope Francis performed a miracle on her son when he walked on a Vatican stage. The miracle was that Pope Francis didn’t ask to see the boy naked.

A drop in temperatures and a significant East Coast storm could disrupt Thanksgiving travel plans next week. “Oh no, maybe we should cancel that trip to your parents?” asked hopeful husbands.

CVS is closing 900 stores. The list will be printed on every customer’s receipt.

A new study of Google Search results shows the most popular cake flavor in every state. Ice cream cake was the most popular in 10 states. In Mississippi, the favorite was urinal cake.

Starbucks is giving away free reusable red cups today. Service is expected to be slower-than-usual as needy regulars give detailed drink orders including specific shades of red.

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Snopes disproved the story that Alabama man Kevin Greeson died at the January 6th DC riots of a heart attack after tasering himself in the testicles. Greeson did die of a heart attack, and medics unsuccessfully tried to revive him by tasering his nuts.

Hallmark Corporation requested the return of their campaign donations to Missouri Senator Josh Hawley, in the form of an eight-line poem in a card with To Our Special Little Boy on the front of it.

Other large corporations, including Blue Cross, Marriott, and several banks, have halted donations to Republicans. The GOP already asked the My Pillow guy to make up for it, but he’s committed to spending a million ad dollars a day on MeTV.

The NFL Philadelphia Eagles fired head coach Doug Pederson, less than three years after he led the team to its only Super Bowl victory. Local media penned multiple scathing articles condemning the move, starting with the phrase “not for nothin’..”.

The World Health Organization claims COVID-19 herd immunity won’t happen until 2022, but that death immunity will continue to grow in the meantime.

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick cancelled an appearance in Washington to receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Asked multiple times for comment on why, Belichick said “I’m just focused on the Dolphins” again and again.

Jacob Anthony Chansley – the horn & fur wearing QAnon Shaman from the January 6th riots – is refusing prison food because it isn’t organic. Chansley reportedly told his mother he’s worried about being sentenced to death by force-feeding Hot Pockets.

Mega Millions and Powerball jackpots both rose over the $500 million mark. Experts say odds of winning are about the same as getting a COVID vaccine before Memorial Day.

Donald Trump is reportedly “gutted” that the PGA Tour pulled the 2022 PGA Championship from Trump National golf course in Bedminster, New Jersey, and “furious” that they awarded it to Joe & Kamala’s Pitch n Putt in Bear, Delaware.

University of Michigan extended the contract of head football coach Jim Harbaugh, saying in a statement they’re proud to continue losing to Ohio State until 2026.