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A second grade teacher in California was arrested for being drunk in class with a blood alcohol level twice the legal limit. Though cops were impressed that her students could sing along when she was asked to recite the alphabet backwards.

An 11-year-old was arrested for shooting two teammates after a Florida football practice. It’s illegal in Florida for student-athletes to fire a handgun at football practice until they make the varsity squad.

A Pennsylvania school board passed a rule mandating students only use boys & girls bathrooms based on their gender at birth, although other restrooms are designated for use by trans students. The high school band is now learning ‘Smokin In The Non-Binary Restroom’.

Republican Kevin McCarthy was removed as Speaker of the House. In order to gain bipartisan consensus, Congress is expected to nominate a Bluetooth Speaker Of The House.

75,000 health care workers went on strike at Kaiser Permanente hospitals, leading administrators to issue a rare Flood Warning for bedpans.

Jamie Lynn Spears was eliminated from ‘Dancing With The Stars‘ – as big sis Britney somehow remains alive on ‘Dancing With The Sharp Kitchen Tools‘.

Alaska announced its annual Fat Bear Week contest – where people can vote for their favorite of 12 different fat bears photographed & living at Katmai National Park & Preserve. Organizers say they won’t accept write-in candidates for Fat Bears photographed vacationing at Fire Island or Provincetown.

One person was killed after a crane toppled over at a construction site in Florida. “Crane…there is no defense” said Mr. Miyagi.

Paris, France is dealing with a widespread infestation of bedbugs. Though experts say they’ll likely not harm residents since bedbugs aren’t fans of body odor, either.

A black man is suing the Atlanta Police Department, saying facial recognition technology mistakenly identified him as a fugitive from Louisiana. A police spokesperson admitted they were wrong, and that they used the ‘skin tone’ recognition setting by mistake.

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Electronics maker Withings introduced the U-Scan, a toilet sensor that analyzes urine for nutritional and metabolic levels. A sensor for women goes in the bowl, the sensor for men goes on the floor next to it.

Dunkin is partnering with the American Red Cross to encourage blood donations. They’re offering a free drink to anyone who donates blood, provided they haven’t drunk Dunkin coffee in the past 60 days.

Idaho murder suspect Bryan Kohberger reportedly applied for a police internship. He was rejected based on his preference for stabbing innocent people instead of shooting them.

Ovidio Guzman, son of Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, was arrested in Mexico. Federal police say he’s the leader of the Sinaloa drug cartel, making him a Chipo off the ol’ Chapo.

A doctor battled to save the life of a passenger whose heart stopped twice on a 5-hour flight from the UK to India. The doctor restored the heartbeat once, then the passenger ate the in-flight chicken salad sandwich and it stopped again.

In an effort to restore goodwill, Southwest Airlines is giving 25,000 frequent flyer miles in addition to refunds to passengers impacted by the 15,000 flights it cancelled. Then Southwest announced it was cancelling their frequent flyer program.

Ukraine rejected Russia’s call for a cease fire during their war to observe Russian Orthodox Christmas. Just in case, Russian Orthodox Santa Claus outfitted his reindeer with body armor and upgraded his sleigh’s missile defense system.

GOP Congressman Kevin McCarthy lost 11 consecutive votes in a bid to become Speaker of the House. The good news is he was unanimously voted Mr. Congeniality.

Prince Harry is being criticized for a claim in his new autobiography that he killed 25 Taliban fighters during his tour in Afghanistan with the British Army. However, the Taliban admits multiple soldiers choked to death on scones Harry gave them.

Amidst mounting losses and large debt, a major household retailer plans to file for Bed Bath & Bankruptcy.

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Apple will switch all iPhone displays to OLED starting in 2020, saying their customers demand the highest-resolution screen that breaks when it falls on the sidewalk.

Fox News anchor Bret Baier returned to work after crashing his rental car on a family ski trip to Montana. Baier thanked motorists and first responders for helping him and his family, then issued a blistering five-minute editorial blaming the icy, liberal highway.

Uber is rolling out Uber Rewards, its new loyalty program. The tiered system awards 1 point per dollar spent on Uber Pool or Eats, 2 points on UberX, 3 points on UberBlack, and 100 points for settling a sexual harassment lawsuit against a driver.

McDonald’s is offering ‘Bacon Hour’ from 4 to 5 p.m. on January 29th. Customers can get a free side of applewood smoked bacon with any purchase; McDonald’s said this is part of ongoing efforts to offer customers healthier options than their traditional menu.

Following their overtime loss in the AFC Championship Game, the Kansas City Chiefs fired their defensive coordinator Bob Sutton. Several Chiefs defensive players went to hug Sutton on his way out and missed.

Netflix joined the Motion Picture Association of America. Because the impact of those top-quality Adam Sandler movies on there just can’t be ignored any longer.

Cars.com named the Mazda MX-5 Miata winner of their “Most Fun Car to Drive” award. It’s the second of two awards for the two-seater convertible, the other being the “Car Most Guys Wouldn’t Be Caught Dead In” award.

President Trump will not be allowed to give his State of the Union address in the House of Representatives, due to a refusal from Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. Trump is evaluating other locations, and is in talks with the Speaker of the House of Pancakes.

  • Trump is reportedly preparing different versions of his speech depending on where it’s given. If it’s in Washington, it starts “My fellow Americans and members of Congress.” If it’s at a campaign rally, it starts “Greetings, suckers.”

Microsoft reports that Bing is down in China. Several Microsoft employees were dispatched to help Bing back to her feet.

Hyundai is making a new airbag system, to protect passengers when a vehicle is hit several times in a single accident. Hyundai will field test cars that get hit multiple times, so they recruited 100 eighty-year-old drivers, and expect the results in a couple of hours.

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GOP House Speaker Paul Ryan said that he will retire from politics, saying he wants to be more than a ‘weekend father’ – and a ‘weekday White House nanny’.

A Nigerian man was arrested after being caught in possession of over $400,000 in counterfeit bills. Police were alerted to the scam by an email from the Prince of Nigeria.

Conservative commentator Jamie Allman’s St. Louis-area tv show was canceled after tweeting about preparing a hot poker to shove up the ass of Parkland high schooler and gun reform advocate David Hogg. Sinclair Broadcasting, owner of Allman’s old network, said that the poker comment was the byproduct of an unusually cold winter.

Spotify and Hulu are teaming up to offer a $13 monthly subscription bundle. It comes with unlimited time on hold for tech support.

Lizzy Martinez, a 17-year-old Florida high-school student was forced to cover her ‘distracting’ protruding nipples with band-aids because she wasn’t wearing a bra. Martinez is organizing a ‘bracott’ for Monday, but wasn’t available to talk about it because she’s like, literally, buried with promposals.

Following Martinez’ nipple incident, the Florida state legislature convened an emergency session to pass a bill requiring high-school girls to wear clear plastic blouses to prove they’re wearing a bra.

Stormy Daniels’ ‘Make America Horny Again’ Wednesday shows at Truth Detroit strip club were postponed. A spokesman for the club said there was a problem with the private jet bringing Daniels to Detroit. The problem is that it broke down, and also that it’s a Kia Sedona.

California Gov Jerry Brown announced they’ll send some National Guard members to patrol the California/Mexico border. The California guards are expected to arrive just as soon as they complete mandatory spray tanning and fittings for red swimsuits.

NASA announced research project Micro-11, where they’ll be shooting frozen human sperm in to space. The project was delayed while NASA scientists determined how to allow astronauts to spacewalk without pants on, and how to project porn on the outer wall of the International Space Station.

Secretary of State nominee Mike Pompeo faces a Senate confirmation hearing, with Democrats asking about his plans for dealing with North Korea and the humanitarian crisis in Syria – and Republicans asking if he’s related to Ellen Pompeo of ‘Grey’s Anatomy’.