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OpenAI -a non-profit artificial intelligence company – has created a text generator that’s so good, they consider it too dangerous to release. They tested by having 50 women ask if they looked good in a dress; it was able to give 50 different versions of ‘no’ that still left the women happy.

Bill Gates says that bovine flatulence – cow farts – are a dangerous contributor to climate change. The problem is not only with the methane gas, but with the millions of matches lit by cows to cover it up.

Hundreds of people traveling via British airline Flybmi are stranded after it suddenly went out of business. Flybmi still holds a comfortable lead over Frontier and Spirit in customer satisfaction.

Trump’s nominee for Ambassador to the United Nations – former ‘Fox & Friends’ host & State Department spokesperson Heather Nauert – withdrew from consideration. She allegedly hired an undocumented nanny who failed to file tax returns. Nauert said she will build a wall around her yard to keep it from happening again.

Valerie Gonzalez, 32, was escorted off of a JetBlue flight from Florida to Las Vegas after a profane tirade about being seated next to a three-year-old following a day of drinking. FAA investigators are questioning JetBlue about how she got in the cockpit.

Radar Online reports Khloe Kardashian and baby daddy Tristan Thompson split, 10 months after video emerged of Thompson with other women. The split comes five months in to the NBA season, which translates to about 50 more hookups for Thompson.

The U.S. Copyright Office rejected Alfonso Ribeiro’s attempt to register his Carlton Dance from  ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’. They now take on their most challenging case ever, the copyright request for the Pop & Lock by the estate of dead ‘What’s Happening’ actor Fred ‘Rerun’ Berry.

Payless is closing all 2,100 U.S. stores – so expect your cheap-ass Mom to load up on sneakers your friends will make fun of.

Former New York congressman Anthony Weiner was released from federal prison and must register as a sex offender. Weiner must live in a halfway house or home confinement, while his sexting and Tinder hookups are supervised by government employees.

NASCAR’s Daytona 500 took place Sunday, marking the beginning of Redneck New Year.

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A South Carolina woman was charged with murder after poisoning her late husband with eye drops – which he totally did not see coming.

A truck carrying Axe body spray crashed in Texas, sending the product all over an area highway. This was bad news for cleanup crews, and good news for the shy raccoon with no game who finally got the ladies’ attention with his new scent.

Nike chose embattled former NFL qb Colin Kaepernick to be the face of its new ‘Just Do It’ campaign, leading to protests from those who oppose his national anthem protests. Some posted videos burning Nike shoes and apparel – several kids were injured trying to snatch the burning shoes rather than wearing the ones their Moms got them at Payless.

An Emirates Airline jet from Dubai to New York was quarantined post-landing Wednesday after 10 passengers aboard reported feeling ill. Some say that passengers picked up at a stop in Mecca brought the flu on board – others blamed the Baba Ghannouj breakfast sandwiches that Emirates borrowed from Spirit Airlines.

In Iowa, a 50-year-old man accidentally shot his 55-year-old brother on the first day of squirrel hunting season. The victim was treated for non-life-threatening injuries, and said it was partially his fault for trying to get sunflower seeds out of a bird feeder.

NASA is reportedly considering raising money for future missions by selling the naming rights for launches to marketing partners. Branding experts are hesitant, saying nobody wants to be asking a friend in 15 years where they were when the Cap’n Crunch Shuttle exploded…

The National Hockey League is reportedly asking that Washington Capitals players – each of whom gets a day with the Stanley Cup – not do “keg stands”, or, inverted beer chugging, out of it. The NHL is worried about damage to the trophy, and less worried that players will slip and knock their teeth out.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop brand paid $145,000 in civil penalties in California for falsely claiming that Jade and Rose Quartz stone “vaginal eggs” would, when placed in the vagina, improve bladder control, boost orgasms and regulate hormones. Family-minded women buying them also said that the eggs were “impossible to fertilize”.

Kim Kardashian is making another trip to the White House, this time attempting to free 30-year-old Chris Young, a convicted drug dealer serving a life sentence. This will be Kardashian’s second meeting in the Oval Office, moving her two ahead of Melania.

Rumors surfaced that Melania Trump’s “kidney operation” earlier this year may have actually been another enlargement surgery for her breasts. The rumors were fueled by photos of the First Lady in a snug top, showing off her kidney-shaped bosom.

 

 

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San Francisco 49ers assistant coach Katie Sowers has come out, making her the first openly gay coach in the NFL. “Welcome to the club!” said an unnamed group of players comprising 10% of the 49ers roster.

According to a Priceline.com survey, 44% of Americans reported that the feeling they get from booking a cheap flight is better than sex. Most of the respondents were Spirit Airlines fliers, who can always count on booking cheap fares and getting screwed.

Former National Director of Intelligence James Clapper reacted strongly to President Trump’s rally speech in Phoenix Tuesday, saying he questions Trump’s fitness for office and his access to nuclear codes — especially since Trump had them all changed to ‘Password’.

In an excerpt from Hillary Clinton’s forthcoming 2016 campaign memoir ‘What Happened’, she said that when Trump stood behind her at the debates it made her “skin crawl”.  Said Melania Trump “..yeah? Now imagine the same thing, only he’s naked.”

Taylor Swift announced the release of a new album, ‘Reputation.’ The album drops in November, but it is already not speaking with Katy Perry’s new album.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is rumored to be getting a 5-year contract extension through 2024. Goodell has so far made over $200 million as Commissioner. He said he’ll continue to stand during the national anthem, because there’s no room to sit with all the piles of money around.

Actor Robert Downey Jr is warning fans of online scammers posing as Downey to cheat people out of charitable donations — leading countless gullible nerds to stop Venmo payments to Stark Industries.

Mark Wahlberg tops the Forbes list of Hollywood’s highest-paid actors, followed by Dwayne ‘The Rock ‘ Johnson and Vin Diesel — offering continued hope to all of you good-looking, muscular guys in Hollywood who can’t act.

Ferrari unveiled a new 200-MPH convertible, and a new toupee super-glue for men buying it.

Elon Musk posted a photo on Instagram of the new spacesuit that SpaceX astronauts will wear on trips to the International Space Station. It features a fully redesigned helmet and bodysuit, with a fireproof pocket for astronauts to store their last messages to loved ones.