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Several brands of dry shampoo including Dove, Tresemme & Bed Head were recalled because they may contain high levels of benzene, causing cancerous head & shoulders.

A magnitude 5.1 earthquake hit San Jose, California. All of the iPhones at Apple headquarters in nearby Cupertino were set to vibrate.

Scientists at Stanford University created a 3D rendering of the Virgin Mary, mother of Jesus Christ, that bears an uncanny resemblance to Lady Gaga. Although biblical scholars are questioning where & how Mary would get a dress made of meat.

Clorox recalled 37 million bottles of Pine-Sol cleaner because they could contain Pseudomonas aeruginosa, which could harm immunocompromised people. The bottles are identifiable by labels reading: ‘Kills 0.0% of Harmful Bacteria’.

Spotify is considering a price increase as both Apple Music and YouTube Premium increased rates by $2/month and up. Top artists like Taylor Swift and Paul McCartney plan to use their additional royalties to buy a Venti latte instead of Tall.

Forbes magazine claims Kanye West lost ‘billionaire’ status after Adidas ended their partnership with him. In other news, Jewish kids still enrolled at West’s Donda Academy school lost ‘approved vacation’ status for the first day of Chanukah.

Coca-Cola’s CEO said they’re responding to inflation by trying new sizes and packaging for customers with less money to spend. Starting in 2023, they’ll sell bottles containing one sip.

Senators Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders are both opposed to the pending $25 billion merger between grocery giants Kroger & Albertson’s, with each questioning what will happen to the 30-cents-a-gallon in gas reward points they’ve saved up.

Medical experts are advising when to get the updated COVID booster shot before Thanksgiving, saying two weeks before the holiday is best, or to get it the day before, since you’ll be so sick & tired on Thanksgiving you can’t go.

Las Vegas Golden Knights forward Phil Kessel is the National Hockey League’s new ‘Ironman’, appearing in his 990th consecutive game. His left and right front teeth lasted 26 and 448 games, respectively.

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Tiger Woods indicated that he may play in The Masters this week, after playing a practice round, and seeing the two new hostesses hired at the Perkins pancake restaurant in Augusta.

Three Republican Senators voted to confirm Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court, then asked the location of this “cookout” everyone tells them they’re invited to now.

A new study that paid loyal Fox News viewers to switch to CNN for 30 days made them “less likely” to believe “fake news”. Although most of them said the money wasn’t enough to keep them from missing blond women with huge boobs reading the stories.

A Florida personal injury attorney was disbarred after running over four people outside a grocery store because she heard “voices” in her head. She described the voices as “tough and smart”.

A New Jersey high school student and a 7-year-old relative brought loaded semi-automatic weapons to school on Friday. The high schooler faces weapons charges, the 7-year-old is taking Gifted Student firearms classes.

Elon Musk now owns 9% of Twitter and has joined the company’s Board Of Directors. Coincidentally, trending hashtags now include #spacetravel #electriccars #solarpower and #pickingaweirdnameforyourkid .

A Portland, Oregon woman opened The Sports Bra – a bar that only shows women’s sports on the TVs. The ribbon was cut by gold medal soccer goalie Hope Solo, who then came back six days in a row to get drunk and drive home with her kids in the car.

Forbes Magazine claims the collective wealth of the world’s billionaires has fallen to $12.7 trillion. Even worse, they’re not getting a lot of support on GoFundMe to save the superyachts and pro sports teams they bought.

A stranded bull was rescued from a backyard swimming pool in England. Onlookers were amazed by the effort to lift him out, and by the bulge in his Speedo.

An Amazon worker released a list of words and phrases allegedly banned from use on the company’s planned internal chat app, including “union”, “slave”, “plantation”, “restroom” & others. The restrictions are leaving many new employees unable to accurately describe their boat trip from remote continents to new Amazon jobs.

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A Philadelphia man was arrested for selling homemade dynamite used in multiple ATM burglaries. He charged $300 for a dozen dynamite sticks, plus a $4/stick service fee.

Drew Brees issued a lengthy apology for the insensitivity of his comments regarding kneeling protests, and hoped his negro and colored friends would forgive him.

Nevada police charged several far-right ‘Boogaloo’ extremists – white men intent on starting a new civil war – with terror and weapons crimes. No word if cops tasered the men to disrupt their plans, which would be Electric Boogaloo Breakin’.

A hidden feature in Google Maps lets you tell friends exactly where you are. Right now, everyone’s phone is set to My House.

JCPenney announced the 154 stores that will close this summer. Store closing sales start June 12th. Customers are asked to wear masks so no one knows they still shop at JCPenney .

The Washington Post analyzed Jeff Bezos’ personal charitable giving and determined his donations equate to $85 from the average American. Worse, the donations were in Amazon gift cards.

Following Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski’s criticism of Donald Trump, he promised to endorse any GOP opposition candidate if they “have a pulse”. Since Trump now requires a pulse for endorsements, many wondered if he still endorsed Mitch McConnell.

Kylie Jenner topped Forbes list of the highest-earning celebrities. Asked to comment, Jenner said she doesn’t read magazines for bees.

A viral video shows a Maryland man on a bike stealing signs from a young girl trying to commemorate George Floyd, then using his bike to run at her friends. He vowed to return to get the girl and her little dog, too.

The May unemployment rate fell to 13.3% as several states reopened, surprising economists who attributed the good news to asymptomatic coronavirus carriers happily returning to work.

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Amazon is developing its own coronavirus test for workers. It’s a stick they drop in the urine-filled soda bottle they used during a 12-hour shift with no breaks.

Banksy is working from home during the COVID-19 lockdown and was concussed after blacking out from spray paint fumes.

Millions of Americans may lose their $1,200 stimulus checks to debt collectors. The debt collectors are also broke and have had to take second jobs tying damsels to railroad tracks.

Dietitians recommend whole grains, probiotics, fish, and leafy green vegetables to improve your mood during lockdown. In other news, Totinos Pizza Rolls obliterated their sales record for the second straight month.

Following an anonymous tip, 17 bodies were recovered from a New Jersey nursing home. Insiders believe the tipster was the resident who woke up one morning with 17 roommates.

Forbes magazine posted tips to keep your glasses from fogging while wearing them with a facemask. Tip #1 is to not look at porn while wearing a facemask and glasses.

Facebook added a new reaction emoji, “Care”, to its Like button. It’s a smiley face hugging a heart. Asked why there isn’t a “Don’t Care” button, Zuckerberg said you already have Hide Post, Unfollow & Unfriend.

Apple launched the iPhone SE2, a new handset priced at $399. CEO Tim Cook said the new phone is a way for poor people to feel kinda cool.

AMC Theaters is hoping to salvage operations by raising $500 million cash in a private offering – they’re selling all their leftover popcorn.

Whole Foods is converting some stores to online-only. You can place orders for two week’s worth of groceries and also complete a financing application to pay for them.

 

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The first person-to-person transmission of the Wuhan coronavirus in the U.S. has been confirmed. It’s when the first newly-opened-iPhone-to-person transmission is confirmed that things will really get crazy.

Republican Senators are expected to block witness testimony in the Impeachment Trial of Donald Trump and move to a fast acquittal. 75% of Americans polled want witness testimony, which means they really must dislike the Senate if they want to keep them on jury duty.

World Athletics, the governing body of track & field sports, imposed an immediate ban on any shoe with a sole thicker than 40 millimeters. So, your grandmother’s plan to enter the Olympic marathon trial in her Skechers is effectively ended.

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli listed their Bel-Air home for sale at $28 million. It’s 12,000 square feet, with 6 bedrooms, 9 baths and a pretty famous rowing machine.

Forbes magazine advises job-seekers that the two things you should never wear to a hiring interview are strong cologne and poor-fitting clothes. Although they say you can wear whatever you want to an exit interview.

While fruit-flavored cartridges in refillable vaping devices like Juul are now illegal, a loophole allows disposable e*cigarette companies like Puff Bar to sell flavors like mango and banana. Worse, the discarded Puff Bars are causing vape lung in sea turtles.

TMZ shared viral video from Las Vegas, where a woman in costume removed her Minnie Mouse head and pummeled a security guard. A costumed Mickey Mouse stood nearby, where onlookers described him as “oddly turned on”.

Delta announced they’re suspending flights to China starting February 6th. On February 7th, they begin limited-time SkyMiles offers on round trip flights to China booked and completed in February!

Victims of the 2015 Ashley Madison affair-dating website data breach are being blackmailed five years later. Most admitted they thought they’d be more excited when an old flame got in touch.

The FCC has committed $20.4 billion to bring high-speed internet to rural America. Farmers are excited to finally be able to stream Spotify to bored cows.

 

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A family in Georgia found a live screech owl living in their family Christmas tree. With assistance from a local wildlife expert, the owl eventually left. “Finally” said the rat and two squirrels also living in the tree.

Rivers Casino in Philadelphia was fined $62,500 for allowing three different underage gamblers to play slots and table games. They were discovered after becoming belligerent with cocktail servers about the time it was taking to get their juice boxes.

Eight-year-old Ryan Kaji, who reviews toys on YouTube, was named the video platform’s top earner in 2019, with $26 million. Meanwhile, an anonymous 18-year-old woman was named Pornhub’s highest earner, getting four free t-shirts.

Christianity Today, an evangelical magazine, called for Donald Trump’s removal from the presidency, in what’s being called their most scathing prayer ever.

Nancy Pelosi said she’s waiting to send Articles of Impeachment to the Senate, until there’s more clarity on the rules governing President Trump’s trial, and because she hasn’t found the right Hallmark card to put them in.

The film adaptation of ‘Cats’ garnered mostly negative reviews, which is what happens when filmmakers and cats go outside of the box.

American Airlines is now offering non-binary gender designations for air travelers. In addition to ‘he’ and ‘she’, ‘they’ and ‘them’ can now be treated horribly and get bumped.

A middle school principal in Iowa apologized for taking away pizzas purchased by a teacher as a reward for her class.  The letter was signed ‘Principal Noid’.

The world’s oldest fossil forest, 385 million years old, was uncovered in the upstate New York town of Cairo. “We prefer to be called a senior living facility”, said a manager.

Camille Schrier of Virginia was crowned the new Miss America, in the evening gown-and-swimsuit-free updated version of the competition, dubbed Miss America 2.0. All judges agreed that Schrier’s Miss America 2.0 is at least a solid 7.5.

 

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Serena Williams said in an interview that her male tennis coach advised her to stop breastfeeding her daughter. The coach said that the baby was getting in the way of her serving motion.

The Centers for Disease Control claims to have solved the latest food-borne illness outbreak at Chipotle. Their review of victims’ stool samples pointed to clostridium perfringens, a bacteria that flourishes when food is left at an unsafe temperature. The CDC took a while to share results, since the stool samples and the burrito samples kept getting mixed up.

Elon Musk became emotional and teary-eyed during a lengthy interview with the New York Times, saying the past year has been “the most difficult and painful of my career” and “excruciating”. At several points during the interview, Musk had to stop so that a naked supermodel could wipe away his tears with hundred-dollar bills.

President Donald Trump canceled a military parade planned for Washington, D.C. this fall. He blamed local politicians for the rumored $92 million cost that resulted in cancellation, along with the fact that Defense Secretary James “Mad Dog” Mattis turned down the Grand Marshal gig, citing scheduling conflicts.

Former ‘Home Improvement’ star Zachery Ty Bryan appeared on Fox & Friends, saying he think Hollywood elitists need to spend less time criticizing Trump supporters and more time trying to understand them. “Shut the f*** up” said his neighbor whose face was obscured by a tall fence.

Stormy Daniels withdrew from participation in U.K.’s Celebrity Big Brother. Producers said they were surprised by her decision, but her lawyer, Michael Avenatti, said that in every production Stormy has been a part of , someone has pulled out.

Mark Wahlberg told PEOPLE magazine that raising a 14 year old daughter is “a challenge”, adding that “(there’s) a lot of attitude, a lot of ‘you ruin everything!’..” — and that was just because his daughter had watched ‘The Happening’.

Forbes Magazine named Scarlett Johansson the highest-paid actress on the planet, earning $40.5 million from June, 2017 to June, 2018. “Huh.” said Johansson, displaying her trademark emotional range.

Natural Cycles, a mobile fertility app, is the first-ever digital contraceptive to win FDA marketing approval. It uses an algorithm to determine whether a woman is fertile, and should avoid unprotected sex. If she is fertile and is having difficulty refraining from unprotected sex, the app shows pictures of diaper pails and babies vomiting.

The FDA also approved a generic EpiPen. The generic EpiPen is expected to compete with the original, and also for use by people for whom 5 Hour Energy really isn’t working.

 

 

 

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Papa John’s Chairman John Schnatter resigned after saying the word “n*ggers” on a conference call. An unnamed source in the room with him claims he actually said it three times, but the first two times he was on Mute.

Porn star Stormy Daniels was arrested in Ohio on three misdemeanor charges of touching strip club patrons while nude onstage. Ohio law forbids strippers from touching customers while nude, unless it’s a “family member”. Daniels attorney said she was entrapped by officers who asked her to call them Daddy.

  • Daniels took two mugshots. One standard, and one bent over at the waist looking back at the camera over her shoulder.

Kylie Jenner appears on the cover of the latest Forbes magazine as she approaches becoming the U.S.’s youngest self-made billionaire. She said her next goal is to become a millionaire.

Facebook’s app is reportedly crashing on Android devices, as reported by panicked women whose selfies haven’t received “so beautiful” comments from the same four friends.

Google updated their Gboard keyboard app to allow users to communicate via Morse code. Google execs praised the new feature, which is designed to make communication easier for those with disabilities, Boy Scouts, and time-travelers to the 1940s.

Shridar Chillal, 82, of Pune, India – holder of the Guinness World Record for longest fingernails – cut them off and donated them after growing them for 66 years. They will be displayed in a Ripley’s Believe It Or Not museum in New York, after technicians clean off decades of food Chillal scraped from his teeth.

Instagram introduced an ‘Ask Me Anything’ feature, which allows users to place a ‘?’ sticker on their photos, allowing other users to ask open-ended questions. So far the most common question is “How do I delete Instagram?”

Scientists have discovered the brightest object in the universe, a quasar from when the universe was just 7 percent of its current age. The quasar exists at one end of the galactic spectrum; at the other, 23-year-old Kim Kardashian, who made a sex tape at 67 percent of her current age, known as the dimmest object in the universe.

Older people with higher blood pressure run a higher risk of Alzheimer’s. So quit bothering grandma because you are literally going to make her crazy.

The IRS says that over 350,000 Americans will be unable to obtain or renew passports because of unpaid taxes, although Donald and Melania are likely to get a waiver.

 

 

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A Florida man was arrested for DUI after he pulled up to a drive-thru at a bank and ordered a burrito. Meanwhile a different man pulled up to a Taco Bell and asked for cash. The clerk asked if he was drunk, and the driver said no, it was a goddamned robbery and to give him the money.

Actress Ruby Rose underwent successful surgery to correct a spinal condition. Though doctors said for now she can expect the incision to remain Ruby Red.

Monster has passed Red Bull to become the most popular energy drink in the U.S. Monster has 43% domestic market share, meaning 43 cans are found next to every 100 under-40 heart attack victims.

WhatsApp launched its new business messaging tool, I’mNotHere.

Amazon is planning a 20% rate increase for month-to-month Prime memberships, citing increased health care costs for drones injured on the job.

Porn star Stormy Daniels allegedly spanked Donald Trump with a copy of Forbes magazine featuring his photo on the cover, since Trump’s first choice – a copy of Teen Vogue with Ivanka Trump on the cover – was still too sticky.

Actor Michael Douglas has been accused of sexual harassment. The claims date back to a time when Douglas was actually physically capable of it.

  • No word on how this will affect Douglas’ role in the upcoming Ant Man 2; although producers are exploring a title change to Ant Man: Me 2.

A 19-year-old New Jersey woman was expelled from the University of Alabama for posting a YouTube video where she repeatedly used the n-word. “That’s not right; it’s our word”, said white Alabamians.

Porn production company Naughty America said that it’s working on a new augmented reality product featuring three-dimensional women that doesn’t involve pornography. No more details were shared, although the company recently trademarked the name Clean My Bathroom America.

Prosecutors in Bill Cosby’s sexual assault retrial want jurors to hear from 20 of his accusers this time, not just two, claiming that it was difficult for just two women to form a band to perform a song about why rape is bad.

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A video posted to Instagram shows a group of Weber, Utah high school cheerleaders shouting the n-word. School officials reviewing the matter say the girls could be kicked off the squad or expelled, adding that the program is a cheertatorship, not a cheerocracy.

A study published in the journal Southeastern Naturalist confirmed that alligators in Florida and Georgia are snacking on small sharks and stingrays. Researchers say that many of the alligators consume them by accident, during Crab Fest at Red Lobster.

Google will use drones to deliver burritos in Australia. Early reviews describe the burritos as “cold” and “awful” following the long flight from Mexico.

Google also announced ambitious plans to build a ‘futuristic neighborhood’ outside of Toronto. The $50 million project will use technology to do everything from reducing pollution and commute times, to blocking rainfall and improving the weather. Asked if there’s anything the new community won’t have, a Google spokesperson replied “yeah, old people.”

President Trump reportedly plans a large increase in the number of “immigration jails” for illegal aliens —  side-by-side, along a thousand-mile stretch of the U.S./Mexico border.

Forbes Magazine released its annual list of the 400 Richest Americans. Donald Trump fell 92 spots from #156 in 2016 to #248, owing to what Forbes describes as a “tough New York real estate market” and “paying to keep that hookers peeing thing out of sight.”

NFL Players and owners met in New York to discuss anthem protests and increased community involvement. The NFL agreed to fund initiatives for community policing, where they’ll review police body cam footage and overturn arrests for no good reason.

Ford Motor Company is recalling over 1.3 million of their top-selling F150 pickup trucks to repair an issue where doors could open while the truck is moving. Ford reiterated that the trucks are Built Ford Tough, but that the people falling out of them are not.

 

Malaysia Airlines lost another CEO, and has given up looking for him.

ABC Networks announced a Black-ish spinoff, Grown-ish, will debut on its sister network Freeform this January. In other news, ABC is considering changing the name of The Good Doctor to Autist-ish.