By |

Harley Davidson says it’s on track to deliver its first electric motorcycle in 18 months, giving biker gangs time to redirect a portion of their drug sales to charging stations.

The State of California may require a cancer warning on coffee. Starbucks plans to stay ahead of the requirement with its introduction of the Chemolatte.

Melania Trump attended President Donald Trump’s first State of the Union address wearing white after Labor Day, Christmas Day, New Years Day and Stormy Day.

The First Lady rode separately to the State of the Union, so she could practice giving the silent treatment to the heroes attending as guests riding with her.

Brenda Fitzgerald, Director for the Centers for Disease Control, resigned after it was revealed she bought and sold stocks in tobacco companies. Her resignation comes just prior to the release of her first tobacco-related report: ‘Cigarettes – At Least They’re Not Ebola’.

A Wall Street Journal report states that elite colleges and universities like University of Pennsylvania and Georgia Tech spend as little as 8 minutes reviewing student applications. Conversely, a spokesperson for the University of Phoenix said they typically take up to three full days waiting for the check to clear.

Russia’s government warned that locusts could destroy the grass fields at FIFA World Cup 2018 stadiums, and have added increased border security to prevent winged insects from the U.S. traveling to disrupt the outcome.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s website introduced a new line of bath salts called Goop Bath, and was promptly sued by a porn company for trademark infringement.

Amy Duggar, niece of ’19 Kids and Counting’ reality stars Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, said that she wants to adopt the 13 abused Turpin children, so that they can get the 1-on-50 attention that only the Duggar family can provide.

Mel Gibson is reportedly working on a sequel to Passion of the Christ; the working title is Passion of the Christ 2: Die Harder. [h/t to Jeff Ost]

By |

TIME Magazine named ‘The Silence Breakers’ – women telling their stories of sexual abuse – as its 2017 Person of the Year. In other news, Pyongyang TIME Magazine named Kim Jong Un as Benevolent Supreme Leader of the Year for the sixth straight time.

In an interview with The Sunday Times, actor Gabriel Byrne said that co-star Kevin Spacey’s inappropriate sexual behavior caused a two-day shutdown on the film The Usual Suspects. Since Spacey insisted on remaining in character, it took him longer to catch up with underage boys while walking with a limp.

A UPS tractor-trailer caught fire in suburban Maryland. Tracking data for the affected shipments have been updated accordingly: “Your Package Is On The Way! Fire!”

Google is assigning 10,000 employees to audit YouTube for objectionable content posted on videos of, and for, children. So far, a small percentage of employees have taken down crude content from pedophiles, while thousands of other employees are making great money watching cat videos.

Virgin Hyperloop cofounder Shervin Pishevar has taken a leave of absence in light of six sexual harassment allegations – but impressed investors with the speed at which he got out of town.

Russia was officially banned from participation in the 2018 Winter Olympics as punishment for systemic doping violations. Russians can still compete as ‘neutral’ athletes — in the sense that you can’t tell if they’re men or women.

The Invisible Box Challenge is the latest viral video craze, with users pretending to plant their leading leg on an invisible box, then hopping the box with their trailing leg. It, in turn, spawned the Air Cast Challenge, to see how fast EMTs can apply first aid to torn knee ligaments.

A new General Motors in-car app lets you order Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts coffee while you drive. Several drivers suffered second-degree burns when the drone delivered the coffee through their moonroof.

Pizza Hut is testing beer delivery, as drivers practice telling customers “no, they actually come in four packs.”

Minnesotans can now text 911 for emergency response instead of calling; residents praised the upgrade, saying precious time was lost in emergencies typing “I’m in trouble here, donchaknow..”

A Chinese newspaper in Jilin Province – bordering North Korea – published tips on how to survive a nuclear attack. The first tip was ‘keep buying the Jilin Daily News!’

  • To ensure readers saw the tips, they were printed on the comics page next to Wheel Yankee – China’s favorite daily strip about the mishaps caused by an ignorant American driver.

 

By |

A self-driving electric shuttle van in Las Vegas collided with a delivery truck within an hour of deployment on the city’s streets. The shuttle immediately fled the accident scene and was apprehended in a strip club parking lot, charged with reckless endangerment and possession of methamphetamine.

Congress is seeking to stem the illegal flow of cellphones into prisons. One U.S. Representative introduced a bill to cap jailed felons’ data plans at 1 gig/month.

  • The Federal Bureau of Prisons confiscated over 5,000 cellphones in 2016. Guards became suspicious when Hello Kitty iPhone cases became the top seller at federal penitentiary commissaries.

Pope Francis has banned the sale of cigarettes at the Vatican starting in 2018. “Now what are we going to put in our mouths and suck on?” asked priests.

An FBI counterterrorism supervisor in North Carolina reportedly got drunk and had his gun, Rolex watch and $60 cash stolen by an exotic dancer he took to his hotel room. President Trump announced even more extreme vetting of exotic dancers by the FBI and himself personally. [h/t to J. Koppel]

  • The FBI raised the terror threat level to Orange at the Boom Boom Room in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Outgoing Starbucks CEO Howard Schulz slammed the GOP tax plan as ‘fools gold’, implying that it will only help the wealthy and not lead to a more compassionate society. He then looked on as a $9/hour worker bought a $6 latte.

Apple refutes an FBI claim that it hasn’t helped their Quantico office in unlocking Texas church shooter Devin Kelley’s iPhone, saying they have no record of the office requesting an appointment at the Genius Bar.

Homeland Security conducted undercover tests and found Transportation Security Administration airport screeners failed to detect test weapons at a ‘disturbingly’ high rate.  The head of the TSA replied that workers lacked motivation – due to budget cuts, screeners who successfully found contraband no longer received Pupperoni.

Facebook continues to encroach on Craigslist territory with the introduction of property rentals to its rapidly growing Facebook Marketplace section. However, investment analysts warn that while Facebook Marketplace has grown 300% since its launch, it still lags Craigslist in market share among murderous creeps.

China’s President Xi Jinping said in a joint news conference with President Trump “the Pacific Ocean is big enough to accommodate China and the United States.” While Trump thought Xi was talking about free trade, he was really talking about global warming.

Portia de Rossi and Julianna Margulies have each come forward to allege sexual harassment by actor Steven Seagal. The two actresses say they waited to go public, citing the embarrassment of others knowing they wanted to be in a Steven Seagal movie.

 

 

 

By |

President Trump is expected to lift an Obama-era ban on the sale of military equipment to local police forces, as Dunkin Donuts scrambles to add tank spaces to its parking lots.

Trump is expected to tour flood-ravaged Houston on Tuesday. He’ll circle the area in an Army helicopter for as long as it takes to find a golf course that’s open.

Amazon has lowered prices at newly-acquired Whole Foods. Whole Foods reports that they’re selling so much organic produce, the Red Cross is collecting donations to feed the fruit flies now starving at Whole Foods locations.

Spanish researchers shared findings that drinking four cups of coffee a day lowers risk of death by 30% in persons 45 and older. Starbucks is now accepting Medicare as payment.

The Food and Drug Administration is said to be cracking down on what they consider to be illegal stem cell clinics. The FDA’s website posted a warning letter it sent to U.S. Stem Cell Clinic in Sunrise Florida, and another letter it sent to Taco Bell for its Stem Cell Gordita Crunch.

Walmart is teaming up with Google to allow users to voice-order products via Google Home, to compete with Amazon’s Alexa. So, in the same way that Amazon users can say “Alexa, please order a bag of potato chips” from Amazon, Google Home users can say “Google, I sure’n would appreciate one of them there bags of pork rinds.” from Walmart.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and wife Priscilla Chan welcomed their second daughter, August. August joins 2 year-old sister Max in a lifetime battle for Likes.

Fitbit introduced a $299 smartwatch, the Ionic, to compete with the Apple Watch. It tracks sleep and activity,  displays heart rate, stores music, and has a battery that lasts four days while it sits on your counter and you skip the gym.

Taylor Swift debuted the first single, ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ from her forthcoming album Reputation. The song gives a co-writing credit to 90s one-hit wonder Right Said Fred — as Gerardo and Lou Bega wait by their respective phones for the big call.

Showtime is being sued for the low quality of its video stream experienced by customers watching the big Mayweather v McGregor fight online. Mayweather prevailed in a fight that lasted 10 rounds despite predictions of a fast finish, but it buffered for at least six more rounds.