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A man inhaled a dental drill bit into his lung while having a cavity filled. Doctors removed it and are now busily filling the six cavities in his windpipe.

A Wisconsin mother of identical triplet boys uses color-coded toenail paint to tell them apart – at least until she finds a tattoo parlor willing to ink the names on their asses.

Banking giant JP Morgan Chase unveiled plans for a new 60-story headquarters tower in New York City, powered entirely by renewable energy. Specifically, harnessing methane gas generated by workers and tourists at hot dog & falafel carts on the block.

A man received a $450,000 settlement after suing his former employer, who incited a panic attack at a workplace birthday party in his honor. The man said he’ll probably never return to work at Chuck E Cheese.

A federal judge blocked the mask mandate for U.S. airlines, giving a victory to airline passengers who want to spit on flight attendants after they punch them.

A Bucks County, Pennsylvania man became the 11th in history to record a perfect score on the original arcade version of Pac-Man. He was recognized posthumously, since he died because they didn’t notice his playing the game while they demolished the abandoned Pizza Hut around him.

Moscow’s Mayor said economic sanctions against Russia resulted in the loss of 200,000 jobs in the city. To make ends meet, tens of thousands of displaced workers are applying to Moscow’s only food delivery service, BorschtDash.

The new trailer for Marvel’s Thor: Love & Thunder has some fans concerned that Thor is gay. And quite a few of them positively thrilled that Thor is gay.

The new USFL premiered over the weekend, with the season kickoff game between the Birmingham Stallions & New Jersey Generals viewed by an estimated 2.95 prison inmates and gambling addicts.

Jury selection started in Blac Chyna’s defamation trial against the Kardashian family. Lawyers are seeking 12 jurors and 2 alternates who can remain impartial while pretending to listen to testimony while staring at boobs.

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Superhero blockbuster film ‘The Batman‘ will not be released in Russia. Theatre owners there declared a war crime over the studio’s plan to replace it with showings of ‘Tyler Perry’s A Madea Homecoming‘.

Katy Perry walked off the set of American Idol in protest after Lionel Richie passed on sending Aretha Franklin’s granddaughter Grace to the next round of auditions. Instead of Grace getting his R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Richie socked it to her, socked it to her, socked it to her…

The WNBA fined the New York Liberty $500,000 for flying the team on charter aircraft, because all teams aren’t wealthy enough to afford it. Other teams use the league’s official airline, Spirit, and are required to serve drinks in-flight.

100 diplomats walked out of Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov’s speech to the United Nations in Geneva. They were protesting Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, and also heard lunch was ready.

The International Taekwando Federation stripped Vladimir Putin of his black belt following Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. North Korea’s Kim Jong Un said this does not affect their planned tag-team appearance at Ruthless Dictator Wrestlemania.

Tiny, autonomous two-wheeled robots made in Mexico will be sent to the Moon to study its surface and gather samples to see if areas can be mined for precious minerals. The robots will be identifiable by their Mexican flags, fuzzy dice and statue of Mary on the dashboard.

Negotiations continue between Major League Baseball owners and the MLB Players Union, with both sides hoping to reach a new working agreement, and avoid anyone actually having to watch USFL games instead.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said there isn’t room in the Republican Party for white supremacists. At least not until midterm election results come in for Mississippi, Alabama, and other southern states.

Hulk Hogan is now officially divorced from his second wife, Jennifer McDonald, who cited Irreconcilable Hulkamania.

A possible case of deer-to-human coronavirus transmission is being investigated in Canada, now that the couple is quarantining after their honeymoon.

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Following Russia’s invasion of eastern Ukraine, the United States imposed strict new sanctions – starting with Netflix only offering one episode of Russian-language shows each week instead of releasing the whole season at once.

National Guard troops will be deployed to Washington DC to break up trucker convoys who intend to block traffic in protest of pandemic restrictions. So far the truckers haven’t arrived because traffic is already pretty terrible.

Google updated its Google Assistant software, so saying the word “Stop” is all that’s needed to get it to stop talking while it answers your question. However, they warn that using it on your wife is still a bad idea.

Sony unveiled its new virtual-reality gaming headset, the PlayStation VR 2. No release date was given for the headset, or for what’s expected to be its most popular game, the one where the kid wearing it pretends he actually gets laid.

Game publisher Activision announced they won’t release a Call Of Duty video game in 2023. If gamers really need a new experience shooting things up, Activision will offer discount trips to Chicago and Philadelphia.

Weight loss influencer Lexi Reed, who’d dropped 312 pounds in five years, returned home after being treated in the hospital for organ failure. She’s excited about her new, lighter, liver and kidneys.

Upstart pro football league USFL began its first player draft, with each team selecting a quarterback. First overall pick was the guy you screamed “YOU SUCK” at when he played for your NFL team.

China claims rocket debris set to collide with the Moon are not from its 2014 lunar mission – a claim disputed by NASA, who say the debris has been orbiting the moon with its turn signal on for over seven years.

Pepsi is launching Nitro Pepsi, a canned cola infused with nitrogen gas which delivers a “silky, foamy” texture to go along with your sugar-powered toothache.

Rosie O’Donnell apologized for comments assuming actress Priyanka Chopra was author Deepak Chopra’s daughter. O’Donnell is expected to have her mind blown when she meets several people named Patel.

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Anthropologie stores recalled some of their candles because they pose a fire risk. They’re offering a full refund, and training for customers to help them understand how candles work.

Victoria’s Secret hired their first lingerie model with Down Syndrome. A company spokesperson said they didn’t notice, they just wanted 36Cs.

Los Angeles Rams quarterback Matthew Stafford turned his back as a photographer fell off a stage during a Super Bowl victory ceremony, doing nothing. Stafford later claimed he looked away from her because she took the wrong route and wasn’t open.

Apple said its Face ID security for iPhones will soon work while you’re wearing a mask. It requires you to draw a really good picture of your nose and mouth on your mask.

Former supermodel Linda Evangelista shared the first photos of her body since claiming it was irreparably damaged by a Coolsculpting fat-removal procedure. The pics appear in People magazine, and the Sports Illustrated Bathrobe Issue.

Russian figure skater Kamila Valieva failed to medal in the Olympic women’s individual competition after falling several times in her long program, because she failed to take her grandfather’s vertigo medication.

Disney is building a planned community in Palm Springs, California, where residents will be participants in “stories”. Deposits have already been received from registered sex offenders looking to buy a home on Donald Duck Lane and not wear pants.

The new USFL football league will hold a player draft next week, or as soon as players at the NFL Combine fail their drug tests.

NASA’s Perseverance rover marked its first anniversary on Mars, declining the $99 cabin filter change at Martian Jiffy Lube.

Phil Mickelson is said to be interested in a controversial breakaway Saudi Arabian golf league to compete with the PGA – where ‘making the cut’, ironically, means you avoid beheading.