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You Tube’r Gabbie Hanna is being called ‘tone deaf’ for a video where she tells her 7 million followers that they can overcome depression with hobbies like jet skiing. In other news, a dozen teenagers are missing after renting jet skis and never returning.

New Jersey is just days away from instituting a plastic bag & foam container ban. Crackheads will either need to bring their own bag, or carry their purchase in a body cavity of choice.

Comcast/Xfinity & Charter/Spectrum – the U.S.’ two biggest cable tv providers – are teaming up to manufacture & distribute streaming video devices & smart TVs to compete with Roku, Google & Amazon. They say their analysis determined that the streaming hardware space was lacking “terrible customer service”.

Harvard University released a detailed report of its involvement in the U.S. slave trade, including faculty and staff that owned slaves. Harvard said they couldn’t have finished it without the exhaustive research provided by unpaid interns.

Akihiko Kondo, a Japanese man who married a hologram of a 16-year-old girl and identifies as “fictosexual”, said he can’t speak to her anymore because her software is broken. He worries he may never know the results of her pregnancy test.

An 11-year-old Filipino boy was able to survive a landslide by taking refuge in a refrigerator – an ordeal he described as ‘chilling’.

Vice President Kamala Harris is isolating after a positive COVID test. She’s being told to stay away from President Biden – which is on her to-do list every day, anyway.

Warner Brothers Pictures released the first images of actress Margot Robbie in the upcoming film ‘Barbie’. Robbie’s hair & makeup are minimal, but it takes two hours each day to put molded plastic over her crotch with a Mattel trademark.

China reported the first human infection of H3N8 bird flu. Health officials said H3N8 was the order number on the guy’s receipt at KFC.

Firefighters in Washington state were called to rescue a woman who fell into an outhouse toilet trying to retrieve her dropped cell phone. She was hosed down at the scene but was still refused service later that day at the Genius Bar.

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Joe Biden thinks it would help the country heal if Donald Trump attends his inauguration, but he personally doesn’t care if Trump doesn’t go. Trump hasn’t said if he’ll be there, but as of now he’s only checked ‘Interested’.

ESPN terminated ‘NFL Live’ and radio host Trey Wingo, who’s now Trey Wingone.

Scientists think they now know why salmon have been mysteriously dying on the West Coast – they never learned how to swim.

Former Congressman John Delaney proposes giving Americans $1,500 stimulus checks in exchange for getting a COVID-19 vaccine. He claims this will help build immunity, and create part-time jobs earning up to $15,000 a year.

50 billion British Pounds worth of banknotes are missing from the Bank of England and no one has an explanation. Meanwhile, Prime Minister Boris Johnson sent Donald Trump ten boxes of Christmas presents.

A Taiwanese man lied to his wife, telling her the Playstation 5 he bought was an air purifier. She discovered and made him sell it, after their apartment set a new high score for pollen and pet dander.

A Texas high school football player was ejected for unsportsmanlike conduct, then ran off the sideline and tackled the referee, concussing him. The referee entered the Concussion Protocol, and the student/athlete entered the Expulsion Protocol.

Queen Elizabeth II’s dog Vulcan died, leaving her with one remaining dog, Candy, who is now the only other bitch in line for the throne.

The FCC & FAA intend to officially ban cell-phone calls made by passengers when the plane is in flight. Although they’re considering an exception for Boeing 737MAX passengers whose jet is falling out of the sky.

Warner Bros Pictures announced it will simultaneously release all its upcoming films on HBO Max & cinemas. However, every microwave popcorn maker is raising prices to $15/bag.