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Google CEO Sundar Pichai testified before Congress regarding anti-conservative bias in search engine results. A Democratic congresswoman asked Pichai why an image search of the word “idiot” returned pictures of Trump. Pichai replied “because it works”.

British lawmakers will vote on whether to remove Prime Minister Theresa May over her handling of the United Kingdom’s’ exit from the European Union. Members will vote “Theresa May” or “Theresa May Not”.

Elizabeth Rowe, principal flutist for the Boston Symphony Orchestra, is suing for a pay raise because she makes $70,000 less than the principal oboist, who is male. The BSO defended the salaries, saying the oboe is a more difficult instrument to play, and that, frankly, they expected a woman playing the flute to look a lot sexier.

President Trump promised to shut down the government if he doesn’t receive $5 billion in funding for a wall on the U.S.-Mexico border. “I will take the mantle of shutting it down” he said — frustrating Democrats, but subtly impressing them with his correct use of the phrase ‘take the mantle’.

After Nick Ayers turned down an offer to be President Trump’s Chief of Staff, Trump blasted the ‘fake news’ for saying he’s having trouble filling the position. Trump then threatened to shut down the government unless they approved funding a game show for a C-list celebrity to win the job.

U.S. health officials named Fentanyl as the country’s deadliest drug based on overdoses recorded in 2016, surpassing Heroin, which was deadliest from 2012-2015. Cocaine was third, and Meth dropped to fourth. Meth responded by firing its head coach.

The U.S. Geological Survey recorded a magnitude 4.4 earthquake in parts of Tennessee and Georgia. Officials acknowledged the quake was likely stronger, but residents of Tennessee and Georgia wouldn’t really understand numbers higher than 4.

Gisele Bundchen was asked on Ellen Degeneres’ show if she wants her husband, Tom Brady, to retire. Bundchen said she wants Brady to do “whatever makes him happy”. So look for Brady to continue whining and deflating footballs.

Kathie Lee Gifford announced that she’s leaving The Today Show in April. Her spot is expected to be filled by former First Daughter Jenna Bush Hager, delighting NBC executives who were concerned about finding someone that stay-at-home moms kinda knew, that had no discernible talent.

Facebook headquarters were temporarily evacuated Tuesday evening after receiving a bomb threat.  Employees returned to their desks and spent a few extra minutes marking themselves ‘safe’.

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A man in his underwear ran onto the tarmac at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson Airport, jumped on the wing of a Delta plane, and pounded on the windows while yelling at the passengers inside. He was then joined on the wing by several others once Delta announced the final boarding group for the flight.

Toys R Us officially closes the doors on all of its stores Friday, becoming Toys WR Us.

Actress Shailene Woodley said she was “f—in miserable” eating a 350-calorie-per-day diet for her latest film ‘Adrift’ where she portrays a woman lost at sea. Woodley now says she is “still f—in miserable” because no one saw the movie.

Costco is partnering with food startup Apeel Sciences to sell avocados treated with a natural coating that makes them last twice as long — up to 2 hours.

Minor league baseball team Staten Island Yankees is rebranding as the Staten Island Pizza Rats for several Saturday games this summer. However, the change angered Italians on Staten Island, who canceled Italian Heritage Night at the park. Instead, Staten Island Italians will celebrate their heritage by sitting on their porches in wifebeaters.

President Trump is reportedly consulting with advisers to identify a successor to White House Chief of Staff John Kelly.  Front-runners are Mike Pence’s Chief of Staff Mike Ayers, Office of Management and Budget Director Mick Mulvaney, and Apprentice Champion-slash-Poison lead singer Bret Michaels.

On average, one person was murdered every 15 minutes in Mexico in the month of May. And that’s just from the unlimited well drinks at Sandals.

Toy Story Land opens at Disney World this weekend, offering something for children and adults; new attractions include Slinky Dog Dash, Alien Swirling Saucers, and the Bo Peep Show.

California just passed the strictest online privacy law in the country, allowing residents to dictate if their personal data can be sold. Lawmakers in Mississippi are also considering online privacy laws, but first need to understand how the dang Internet works, anyhow.

A shortage of carbon dioxide is causing the U.K. to ration beer. Queen Elizabeth can now only get hammered four nights a week.

 

 

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A couple who met on an Internet dating site were found guilty of plotting an ISIS-inspired bomb attack during Christmastime in Britain. During questioning, the man admitted to being lured by the catchy jingle of Terroristsonly.com

According to CBS News, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly has told workers to decide by the end of January if they plan on leaving in 2018.  “Probably” replied Melania.

Former White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci told CNN that former Trump chief strategist Steve Bannon was a “bad hire”; causing Homeland Security to raise the Domestic Irony Threat Level from Orange to Red.

Steve Bannon stepped down as President of Breitbart News Network on Tuesday. Breitbart released a statement that Bannon was leaving to focus on a new site dedicated to couture fashion, grooming and sobriety.

A Louisiana woman lured an Uber driver to her house where she kissed him while topless so that her boyfriend could rob him. The couple were arrested. The woman received a one-star review for the cancelled trip, and a three-star review for her breasts.

A new study links ibuprofen to reduced sperm count in men, although the study’s author warned women asking if their partner ‘has protection’ should not accept ‘Advil’ as an answer.

A Philadelphia woman had her money and car stolen by two other women while she worked out at Planet Fitness. The thieves remain at large, and the victim was barred from Planet Fitness for judging them.

Harvey Weinstein was pummeled by a man in a drunken rage at an Arizona resort, after Weinstein refused to pose for a photo with him. Police arrested the man and Weinstein returned to his room, put on only a bathrobe, and waited for help to arrive.

According to the Daily Mail, 95-year-old Marvel Comics creator Stan Lee has been accused of sexual harassment by female nurses. The women allege that Lee groped them, walked around naked in their presence, and repeatedly asked if their Spidey Sense was tingling.

Airfare data firm Fare Compare released its list of the “Worst Days to Fly” in 2018. Dates include Presidents Day weekend, the March start of Spring Break, and red-eye flights after any pilot’s birthday happy hour.