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In the interest of gender inclusion, Boy Scouts of America is changing their name to Scouting America. However, Scoutmasters are still expected to continue Molesting America.

Panera Bread is discontinuing their caffeine-fortified Charged Lemonade following deaths of customers who drank it. “When life gives you lawsuits, you stop making Charged Lemonade” said Panera’s spokesperson.

Attorney’s in Donald Trump’s hush money case called for a mistrial during sexually explicit testimony from Stormy Daniels. The judge dismissed the motion saying that, unlike the sex between Trump & Daniels, the testimony won’t end prematurely.

Financial experts say more Americans are making the financial mistake of “spaving” – spending more to save more via Free Shipping minimums or get ‘buy one, get one offers’. They say the practice is resulting in more and more ‘spankruptcies’

Kim Kardashian’s extreme waist-cinching corset beneath her Met Gala dress made it hard to breathe. She told Vogue she felt “so snatched I (can’t tell) you how snatched I feel.” Fortunately Pete Davidson, Reggie Bush, Kanye West, Ray J, and many other athletes & celebrities know how snatched she feels – or something like that.

Anaheim, California City Council approved a massive $1.9 billion Disneyland expansion proposal called Disneyland Forward. They also rejected a smaller proposal called Disneyland Backward that would have featured freak shows and attractions targeting poor people who can’t afford Disneyland.

The Biden Administration is reportedly halting bomb shipments to Israel – although that didn’t stop ‘Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire’ from opening in cinemas in Tel Aviv & Jerusalem.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard posted sexy, post-plastic-surgery snaps on Instagram, reminding followers that there’s always hope. And that if hope runs out, you can always convince someone to murder whoever is keeping you down.

A zoo in China dyed two small dogs black-and-white and exhibited them as panda cubs. Zoogoers quickly recognized them as fakes, but that isn’t stopping the zoo from opening the new zebra exhibit with a couple of dobermans.

A doctor accused of fatally poisoning his wife listed his relationship status as ‘widower’ on dating app Bumble before her alleged murder. He found he got more dates that way than by calling himself an ‘aspiring widower’.

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A 104-year-old Minnesota woman recovered after a bout with coronavirus. Details of her treatment were not revealed, but it’s believed the virus choked to death on the dust.

Google and Apple are collaborating on a smartphone app where users self-report exposure to coronavirus to enable contact tracing. Tinder and Match are collaborating on their own similar app, to enable contact banging.

Walt Disney World is furloughing 43,000 employees, and is now the Emptiest Place On Earth.

Mossimo Giannulli – co-defendant with wife Lori Loughlin in the college admissions scandal – berated a guidance counselor who questioned whether his daughter was a college-level rower. It’s believed to be the first time someone has questioned the expertise of a guidance counselor.

Smoking pot makes users more susceptible to lung damage from coronavirus. Experts advise the best way for them to stay safe is to stay inside, alone, and smoke pot – which they’re pretty okay with.

A female zebra in Kenya mated with a donkey and gave birth to a rare ‘zonkey’. In a related story, a male zebra in Kenya filed for divorce.

Ronda Rousey said she quit WWE Wrestling because of the ungrateful fans. WWE fans want her to return so they can properly hate her back.

Dallas Cowboys stars Ezekiel Elliott and Dak Prescott appeared to violate stay-at-home guidelines, attending a birthday party rumored to have 30 people at Prescott’s home. No arrests were made, but they may face penalties for too many women in the huddle.

One of the nation’s largest pork processing plants is closing due to a rash of employees infected with coronavirus, and pigs social distancing.

Theater chain AMC is reportedly in bankr talks – but not until after the movie.