Tuesday Jokes: June 12th

Twitter’s emoji for the U.S./North Korea #Singaporesummit depicts a high-five between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un. They were asked to redo it several times to make Trump’s hands the same size as Un’s.

Uber’s Chief Brand Officer Bozoma Saint John is leaving to become Chief Marketing Officer for Endeavor, an entertainment agency conglomerate. She’s excited to leave the world of inappropriate sexual behavior by underpaid cab drivers for the world of inappropriate sexual behavior by overpaid Hollywood agents.

Snapchat announced that you’ll soon be able to Unsend messages, so that a few less people will have seen your breasts and penises.

Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner filed details of their personal wealth and investment holdings with the Office of Government Ethics. They each would have done so sooner, but neither could believe the Office of Government Ethics still exists.

President Trump is now en route back to the U.S. following the Singapore summit with Kim Jong Un. He considered the trip a success, obtaining denuclearization concessions, along with that pin from the Singapore Hard Rock Cafe that he wanted.

Erin and Leah Finan, a married Indiana couple, were each sentenced to over five years in federal prison for scamming Amazon out of over $1 million in electronics, and for writing reviews of the merchandise they stole that nobody found helpful.

  • Sentencing guidelines called for ten years, but Amazon’s lawyers requested leniency since they were both Prime members.

Facebook followed up on Mark Zuckerberg’s Congressional testimony with 454 pages of answers to over 2,000 questions that Zuckerberg couldn’t answer in person, then Zuckerberg snoozed Congress for 30 days.

A 9-year-old girl is being sent to a rehab facility for addiction to Fortnite. Her parents say she wet herself and sat in her own urine instead of pausing the game on Xbox. While at rehab, she’ll learn about the mobile version of the game that she can play on the toilet.

Domino’s Pizza announced on Monday that it’s paying to fill potholes in towns across the United States; and, in the process, making good use of its surplus pizza dough.

A 69-year-old man allegedly defecated on another person during a road rage incident in Pennsylvania. The perpetrator was charged with harassment; the victim was not charged, but was named the Worst Ever At Road Rage by police.

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