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Donald Trump turns 77 today. He’ll celebrate at a small party where a woman will pop out of a cake to deliver grand jury indictments for election tampering in Georgia.

A man bit his friend’s ear during a fight outside of a Sullivan’s Steakhouse in King of Prussia, PA. The man explained the ear was cheaper than the $20 shrimp cocktail appetizer.

The town of Elko, Nevada is overrun by Mormon crickets, who emerged from their dormant phase and infested the town. They’re expected to move on to other cities as part of their mission to convert other insects to Mormonism.

Disney/Pixar debuts Carls Date, an animated short featuring Carl Fredericksen, widowed senior husband from the movie ‘Up‘, going on a date with a new lady friend. Carl is nervous because he hasn’t dated in 50 years, and because he can’t get it Up.

India & Pakistan are bracing for the arrival of Cyclone Biparjoy, which could match the devastation of last year’s monsoons. Meanwhile, the rest of the world wonders if Biparjoy is a male or female name.

The Southern Baptist Convention voted to bar churches with women pastors, saying “female pastors are a precursor to acceptance of homosexuality and sexual immorality.” They add that male pastors already have homosexuality and sexual immorality covered.

Johns Hopkins University supposedly redefined lesbian to make it a more inclusive term, defining it as “a non-man attracted to another non-man”. “Well, I guess we’re lesbians then” said talking hetero animals.

A TikTok star with celiac disease claims she suffered explosive diarrhea on a 15-hour Emirates Airlines flight from Dubai to Los Angeles after being given a pastry with gluten. The airline apologized, saying it mistakenly switched her special gluten-free meal with another passenger’s special explosive diarrhea meal.

A 28-year-old Louisiana woman was arrested for fraudulently posing as a 17-year-old and enrolling in high school. Teachers grew suspicious when they determined she couldn’t be a Louisiana high-schooler, since she was reading at a sixth-grade level.

In Oklahoma, workers rescued a cat and dog that became stuck when they went under a backyard deck. The pair explained that they didn’t think the world would understand their forbidden love for one another.

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A 76-year-old woman in Ecuador who’d been declared dead was alive and pounding on the lid of her coffin at her wake. Her family is demanding that the funeral home remove embalming charges from their bill.

Paul McCartney said a ‘final’ Beatles song is forthcoming, completed with the help of artificial intelligence. The artificial intelligence convinced John to dump Yoko.

As of Monday, Donald Trump still had not found a local attorney to represent him at his federal indictment in Miami. Attorneys are so convinced he won’t pay them that they’ve all replaced their billboard ads with pictures of missing children.

Theranos founder and convicted felon Elizabeth Holmes said she won’t be able to pay $250/month restitution once her prison sentence ends in 11 years, when she’ll be 50. The judge told her to stay in shape just in case she has to resort to Only Fans.

Nine people were injured after gunfire erupted outside Ball Arena in Denver after the hometown Denver Nuggets won their first NBA championship. Shell casings reveal the shooters went 9-for-20.

Pat Sajak will retire as host of Wheel Of Fortune after next season. Not to be outdone, Vanna White announced she’s going celibate, that she’s touched her last D.

A cannon was stolen from historic Fort Mifflin in South Philadelphia sometime in early June. Investigators believe the thieves already had a lot of balls.

Nilla Fischer, a member of Sweden’s women’s national soccer team, said they had to show their genitals to a team medical staffer to prove they were females during the 2011 World Cup. Fischer said she wonders whatever happened to backup goalie Hildegarde, who was released.

Trans activist Rose Montoya lowered her dress and bared her breasts after meeting President Biden during a Pride event at the White House. Montoya was roundly criticized for poor taste, and critcized by Melania Trump for not getting any money showing her boobs.

Instagram influencers Racquelle Anteola, a rapper, and Melissa Dufour, a fitness entrepreneur, were arrested after cops found 216 pounds of cocaine hidden in the floor of their SUV. The cocaine was charged with driving under the influencers.

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A portion of Interstate 95 in Philadelphia collapsed after a tanker truck caught fire beneath an overpass – creating a huge inconvenience for the 160,000 daily drivers and 500 daily carjackers who use the route.

Scientists are putting radio-trackable ‘pants’ on poison frogs in the tropical rainforest of French Guyana to understand their movements. They tried putting dresses on females, but after trying on a dozen each, the frogs couldn’t agree on one they liked.

A black bear was spotted walking out of the ocean on to a crowded beach in Destin, Florida. At first he was running, but the lifeguard blew their whistle and told him to slow down.

Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi died at age 86. He will lie in state with an open casket so Italians can stop by to deposit their farewell bribe.

A plus-size influencer is asking U.S. airlines to define a uniform policy for ‘customers of size’, since many travelers can’t fit in a single coach seat. Airlines are divided, with many asking that large travelers buy an extra seat, while Spirit & Frontier offer Cargo Class tickets.

The Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski, was found dead in his prison cell. He now begins serving the second of his four life sentences.

Starting next year, New York City will begin charging a toll for cars to drive in the congested areas of lower Manhattan below 60th St. Newark, New Jersey is also considering a toll, for drivers desperately trying to get out of the city.

Track athlete Chelsea Mitchell, once described as “fastest girl in Connecticut”, is suing the state because she claims losing races to transgender women caused her to lose scholarship offers. Meanwhile, another “fastest girl in Connecticut” is suing the family of a high school quarterback for child support.

A new startup, Varda Space, is attempting to use microgravity in outer space labs to create unique drugs before returning them to Earth for distribution. Varda Space was renamed after venture capital investors disapproved of their first choice, Astro Meth.

Kanye West celebrated his 46th birthday with a party featuring ‘nyotaimori’ – sushi and sashimi served on the bodies of nude women. Several female sushi platters were injured by guests who used forks instead of chopsticks.

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Donald Trump was indicted on seven counts related to illegal handling of classified documents. Despite the pending legal action, Trump will still make public appearances, including June 12th for Grimace’s Birthday at McDonald’s.

According to a Harvard study, asking other people for advice makes you appear smarter – unless you’re asking other people the best way to learn how to read.

As air quality worsened in the Eastern U.S. due to Canadian wildfires, some cities opened ‘smoke shelters’. While these shelters did allow homeless people to breathe cleaner air, many were confused because they thought they could bum Marlboros.

Mitchell Taebel, 33, of Indiana was charged with stalking and trying to meet Taylor Swift on her Eras Tour. Taebel traveled to Nashville and attempted to enter Swift’s condominium there, which he said was a lot cheaper than actually buying concert tickets.

Retired porn actress Jenna Jameson married girlfriend Jessi Lawless. Jameson said that, in the past, she only had relationships with men because she wanted children, or because the direcxtor shouted “Action!”.

Google is now requiring employees to work three days per week in corporate offices, and office attendance is part of performance reviews. “Meets expectations” has been replaced by “shows up”.

A CNN meteorologist used a match to demonstrate how quickly smoke impacts air quality. It’s believed to be the first time CNN broadcast from a stall in the men’s room.

U.S. Intelligence agencies claim Russia is building a drone factory with Iran’s help. They believe the drones could be used for lethal attacks on Ukraine, and to make Amazon deliveries easier to Moscow and Tehran.

New York officials are considering postponing the Belmont Stakes due to air quality. Horses say if they can stand the air in their stalls, they’re fine with the air on the track.

A Columbia University study claims taurine – active ingredient in most energy drinks – could slow aging and extend healthy lifestyles. Red Bull is now sponsoring all-night raves at retirement homes.

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Hawai’i’s Kilauea volcano erupted on Wednesday. State officials warned area residents the air quality is almost as bad as New York & Philadelphia.

Canada claims most of the wildfires blanketing the Eastern United States in smoke are contained, after Canadian first responders say they’ve spent weeks politely asking the fires to stop burning.

20 people were rescued after The Zipper ride malfunctioned at St John The Beloved’s Church Carnival in Wilmington, Delaware. Also, multiple altar boys at St. John The Beloved say they’ve been traumatized by The Zipper of Father Mike.

Taco Bell is offering a Vegan Crunchwrap in several test markets, after successful coordination with EMTs in those markets who specialize in treating explosive diarrhea.

New Jersey wildlife officials warn beachgoers of a unique breed of clinging jellyfish. They sting you, then insist on going with you to dinner and the movies later.

Pat Robertson, founder of the Christian Broadcasting Network and ultra-conservative Republican, died at age 93. His passing was confirmed by a spokesperson for Hell.

Pete Davidson is featured in the new Transformers: Rise of the Beasts, which tells the story of the Kardashians putting on their makeup in the morning.

The Centers for Disease Control warns of a deadly new bacteria with a 50% fatality rate that’s endemic to the U.S. Gulf Coast areas of Florida, Texas & elsewhere. The CDC advises steering clear of the conch fritters.

Barstool Sports founder Dave Portnoy called PGA Tour Commissioner Jay Monahan “a piece of sh*t” following the announcement of the PGA/LIV merger. Portnoy’s remarks were made on the ‘It Takes One To Know One’ podcast.

Porn star Moriah Mills attacked NBA star Zion Williamson, after he announced his girlfriend is pregnant. Mills claims she was blindsided and betrayed, because she had unprotected sex with Williamson just last week – right after having sex with four other guys at her work that day.

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$15 million in counterfeit currency was seized in Philadelphia. In the meantime, merchants are warned to be on the lookout for suspicious bills with pictures of Gritty or Nick Foles.

Subway plans to open 4,000 stores in China, making it the country’s second-biggest pandemic of the decade.

An audit of New York City police finds up to 25% of stops made by the city’s new anti-crime team were unlawful. However, the anti-crime team has an above-average success rate getting dates with attractive women during searches.

Taylor Swift was spotted at an Arkansas bar with Los Angeles Lakers guard Austin Reaves following her breakup with The 1975 frontman Matty Healy. The hookup with Reaves is surprising, since he’s not great at getting rebounds.

Pope Francis was hospitalized for abdominal surgery. Seems that years of covering up for child molesters finally made him sick to his stomach.

The 24-year-old assistant to DJ Paul Oakenfold is suing him for sexual harassment, saying he masturbated in front of her four times in a single day. Oakenfold claims he just can’t stop the beat.

Air quality in New York City is now among the world’s worst as smoke from Canadian wildfires engulfs the area. Although some residents are cancelling vacations because now they can stay home and get the smell of piss on a campfire.

America’s Got Talent judge Simon Cowell gave a ‘Golden Buzzer’ – a pass to the semi-finals – to blind singer-songwriter Putri Ariani, calling her one of the best singers ever to perform on the show. This was great news for Ariani, but a tough break for one-legged stand-up comedian Hops McGee, who followed her.

North Dakota Governor Doug Burgum announced he’s seeking the Republican nomination for President in 2024. “Who?” said residents of North Dakota.

Starting June 12th, McDonald’s will introduce a new limited-time meal honoring Grimace’s birthday. It’ll turn customer’s faces purple after they choke on it.

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California Governor Gavin Newsom is threatening Florida Governor Ron Desantis with kidnapping & human trafficking charges after illegal immigrants were flown from Florida to Sacramento. Worse, the state of Florida took the immigrants cash for aisle seats and checked baggage fees.

Federal gun charges were filed against the mother of a 6-year-old who shot his teacher in Newport News, Virginia. The good news is, she’s now officially off-the-hook for Snack Mom duty.

Drug maker Merck is suing the U.S. government over their requirement that prescription drug prices be lowered for seniors on Medicare. Merck said the penalties are unfair, and that lowering the price of boner pills for horny old men in retirement communities will bankrupt them in a month.

Apple officially announced its $3,499 Vision Pro virtual reality headset. Apple’s CEO said they’re working on vr content to be offered via Apple TV+, and Apple XXX.

Disney’s ‘The Little Mermaid‘ bombed at the box office in China & South Korea, over what may be race-based backlash from casting a black actress as Ariel. Disney has bigger hopes in Asian markets for its other summer release, ‘The Little iPhone Factory Worker’.

The PGA Tour announced a surprise merger with the Saudi Arabian-backed LIV Golf Tour. The newly-merged pro golf league will kick off in the Middle East with the inaugural We Ordered The Murder Of Journalist Jamal Khashoggi Open.

A Harvard researcher developed a vaccine to curb feral cat populations by preventing ovulation in females. He got the idea after becoming frustrated getting feral cats to use condoms and take birth control pills.

State police in Michigan pursued a 10-year-old boy driving a stolen car. The 10-year-old carjacked the vehicle from the 12-year-old who stole it before him.

Viral video shows a man trying to retrieve a foul ball at a college baseball game trip, causing the child he was holding to smash their head on the ground. He was charged with an error, and the fielder’s choice of telling his wife the truth or lying about it.

A group of 685 people at a Malaysia shopping mall broke a record for the largest gathering of people dressed as Spider Man. The record was certified by a Guinness Book of Records adjudicator who’s apparently never been to San Diego ComicCon.

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General Motors announced a $1 billion investment to produce new heavy-duty pickup trucks. In a related move, they’ll also invest $100 million to produce new Calvin-peeing-on-the-Ford-logo window stickers, as well as heavy duty truck nutz.

Users of weight-loss drug Ozempic are complaining of ‘Ozempic butt’ – loose, flabby skin in the buttocks from rapid decline in weight. They’re upset because of the appearance, and by the extra slappy-sounding farts.

A Chinese warship came within 150 yards of colliding with a U.S. destroyer in the strait of Taiwan. The captain of the U.S. ship was confused because the Chinese vessel was crusing for a long time with its turn signal on.

Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs’ 29-year-old son Justin was arrested in California and charged with LDUI – L’il Diddy Under the Influence.

Apple’s rumored new VR headset, the Reality Pro, is rumored to cost $1,999. Buyers are eager to try it out at an Apple Store, where they can envision a reality where they have two grand to blow on a VR headset.

Taylor Swift swallowed a bug during her Chicago performance. Parents of the bug are asking for their $1,000 back.

Arnold Schwarzenegger explained how he told wife Maria Shriver about the son he fathered with their housekeeper Mildred Baena. Schwarzenegger said he went ‘Commando‘: “remember when I told you I never got Mildred pregnant?…I lied..”

Reigning NCAA golf champion Rose Zhang won the LPGA Mizuho Americas Open – becoming the first woman to win her LPGA Tour debut since 1951, when somebody else you’ve never heard of did it.

Tom Brady took his kids to Disney World where he was photographed riding the Tower of Terror – which is also his nickname for ex-wife Gisele when she was mad at him for continuing to play football.

Competitive eater James Webb broke a world record on National Donut Day, eating 59.5 donuts in eight minutes. He eclipsed the previous record shared by eight different patrolmen in the Philadelphia Police Department.

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Some fans at Taylor Swift concerts say they’re wearing adult diapers so they don’t miss a single song of her 3-hour-plus set. Others wore them because they haven’t been the same since having the kids they brought to the concert.

A Georgia gun store owner told CNN he’s closing because of gun violence against children, specifically school shootings. As he sells off remaining inventory, he’s requiring customers to sign an agreement to only use their new guns to shoot adults.

Glamour magazine’s UK edition cover featured Logan Brown, a pregnant transgender male showing off his baby bump. Brown’s name was added after readers initially thought Kylie Jenner had really let herself go.

Facebook parent company Meta is telling workers to return to the office 3 days a week starting in September – and being “Interested” in coming back won’t cut it.

A federal judge ruled that a warrant is required for border patrol to search the smartphones of immigrants entering the country illegally. Border agents searching phones had reportedly memorized the customer service number at Boost Mobile.

Megan Carlisle, a Pennsylvania teacher, was arrested for having sex with a 15-year-old student and sending him nudes via Snapchat after fondling him during his in-school suspension. Once the school had a 56-year-old male gym teacher take over in-school suspension, the other 15-year-old boys started behaving better.

Andrew Bedwell, a British sailor attempting a world record by crossing the Atlantic in a boat just over 3 feet long, had his voyage ended after the boat took on water – from his bladder.

A pregnant Thai woman is accused of murdering up to 13 people by poisoning them with cyanide in their drinks. Cops are asking other women to donate breast milk because they don’t exactly trust her after the baby arrives.

Records released by the Bureau of Prisons reveal at the time of his incarceration Jeffrey Epstein was treated for chlamydia, sleep apnea, back pain, constipation, high blood pressure & prediabetes. He also listed 10 different sex partners in the prior five years, each of whom admitted he might not have been that hot.

A black activist criticized Disney’s new ‘The Little Mermaid‘ for erasing mentions of black slavery in the Caribbean. However, the same activist conceded Snow White accurately depicted slavery among dwarfs.

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Britney Spears has given consent for ex-husband Kevin Federline to move their two sons to Hawai’i with his current wife. Britney said at first she was concerned about them being in a foreign country.

MMA fighter Mike Dragich was captured on viral video wrestling with a 10-foot alligator that had gotten on the grounds of a Jacksonville, Florida elementary school. He eventually subdued the gator, and took away the assault weapon it was carrying.

The House of Representatives passed a debt ceiling bill, after Speaker Kevin McCarthy told them if they didn’t, he wouldn’t be able to use the government Visa card for birthday pizza parties.

The National Eating Disorders Association helpline is replacing hundreds of staffers and volunteers with a chatbot named Tessa. Tessa was selected for her knowledge of eating disorders, and her great work at the Butterball Turkey tip line.

A new study finds Massachusetts is the most expensive state for child care, at an average of almost $21,000 annually. The cheapest is Mississippi, where it costs just over $5,000 per year to toss your kid on the pile with the rest of them.

Rapper Azealia Banks posted a warning to Taylor Swift, calling rumored new boyfriend Matty Healy an “incel” and to not “let..him climb the rich white coochie mountain”. Healy hopes to join John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhall, Harry Styles, and a handful of explorers who successfully summited Rich White Coochie Mountain.

A triple shooting took place just outside the emergency room entrance to Temple Hospital in Philadelphia. The victims walked everal feet to get inside, then held their wounds with one hand while they filled out paperwork with the other for 45 minutes.

On the latest episode of The Kardashians, Kim is seen telling her ex Pete Davidson “what you’re getting yourself into” at the start of their romance – as she holds up a pair of her signature Skims underwear.

Kelly Ripa said that Bravo host Andy Cohen iMessage’d her a photo of his lover’s erect penis while she was looking at her work iPad. Ripa said she closed the message instead of accepting Cohen’s invite to “watch what happens live”.

The Federal Trade Commission alleges Ring doorbell cameras were not secure for years, allowing one Ring employee to watch video footage of 81 different women. The employee admitted watching the footage, but said it took him forever to find 81 women who had sex on their front porch.