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UPS workers reached a tentative contract agreement with the Teamsters union, ensuring Americans uninterrupted delivery of their stupid crap.

Walmart is offering refunds to shoppers who mistakenly purchased $49 Walmart+ memberships at self-checkout kiosks. In-store customer service personnel will also assist those who want to learn how to shoplift a Walmart+ membership.

51 pilot whales died in Australia, leaving thousands of passenger whales stranded at Whale Airport.

A ship carrying 3,000 cars caught fire off the coast of the Netherlands. It’s considered a total loss, including hundreds of self-driving electric cars trying to escape that drove themselves in to the ocean and drowned.

Many social media influencers are ceasing to create content in sympathy with the ongoing strikes of the Screen Actors Guild and Writers Guild of America – leaving them confused at how to do even less than they’re already kind of doing.

A Texas couple is suing the owner of a Maryland AirBNB for $75,000 after discovering hidden cameras in the bathroom of their rental, which captured the couple having sex. The owner offered to settle for $750, since the movie wasn’t that great.

Mick Jagger turned 80, and looks just as great as Keith Richards did at 30.

Paris will allow swimming in the River Seine for the first time in 100 years, since it was closed to swimmers due to bacterial contamination. Parisians emerging from the river after a swim aren’t expected to smell much different.

The River Seine will first be used for the swimming portion of events at the 2024 Summer Olympics, so world class athletes will be the first to go in-Seine.

The mummified remains of two sisters and one sister’s teen son were identified following their discovery at a remote Colorado campground. They had told friends they planned to live ‘off the grid’ – which they did, until they also died off it.

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Fan-Pei Koung of Houston, Texas is now living in Ukraine and working as an ’emotional support stripper’ for volunteers and soldiers during their war with Russia. Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy thanked President Biden for his ongoing assistance but said they could use quite a few more.

China replaced foreign minister Qin Gang, appointing Wang Yi as his replacement – this, according to an official government statement announcing the Gang/Wang transition.

New research finds climate change factors fueled many of the recent deadly heat waves in the U.S. and around the globe. Although the same studies concede the Sun has a lot of the blame too.

A study of internet search data finds California to be the most sleep-deprived state in the U.S. The same study concludes the least sleep-deprived state is West Virginia, thanks to fentanyl, and residents inability to spell, or search for, the term sleep-deprived on the internet.

Los Angeles Metro mass transit announced they’ll be adding extra lines to SoFi Stadium for the Taylor Swift concerts there August 3-6. They’re asking masturbators and drug addicts to help populate the additional buses and trains.

Moviegoers are citing a historical error in ‘Oppenheimer‘, with people waving 50-star flags in 1945, when the U.S. was comprised of only 48 states. This is angering others in the theater, when their partners wake them up to point out the error.

Presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis and aides were uninjured in a minor car accident. They don’t want to discuss the history of the accident since the car is black.

A woman on a Delta jet stuck on a Las Vegas tarmac for three hours with no air conditioning or water described it as hell..with babies screaming, passengers fainting and throwing up on themselves. They returned to the gate and she rebooked on Spirit Airlines, where she realized the Delta experience wasn’t so bad, after all.

One of Arkansas’s leading psychiatrists has been suspended for falsely imprisoning patients and defrauding Medicaid. He’s been ordered to turn in his crystal ball and doctor’s overalls.

CNN’s Anderson Cooper spoke with a woman who claims to have gone on a date with alleged Gilgo Beach serial killer Rex Heuermann. The woman said she’s since removed her profile from the Date Long Island Serial Killers app.

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In an Instagram video, a recovering Jamie Foxx thanked his family for “keeping it airtight” during his hospitalization for an undisclosed serious illness. He also thanked his doctors for overruling his family and allowing him to get air.

Elon Musk changed Twitter to X. In a side-by-side test, 200 people preferred neither Threads nor brand X.

Musk allegedly wanted to change the name to Xfinity, but was disappointed to learn there was already a brand with that name which is universally loved by everyone.

Tom Brady is rumored to be romantically involved with actress/model Emily Ratajkowski. Friends say she’s perfect for him, since he loves tight ends whose names end in -kowski.

‘Barbie’ dominated the domestic movie box office over the weekend. Hollywood studios scrambled to see if there are any other toys laying around, and Paramount announced production of a live action Silly Putty movle.

An expert claims the impulses that lead someone to become a serial sexual murderer begin around adolescence. So parents, keep an eye on your 13-year-old son after he gets turned down five times for the big Eighth Grade Dance.

Spotify is raising its subscription prices by $1 per month, to the delight of artists who will see their per-track royalty soar from $0.000032 to $0.000034.

ESPN soccer commentator Shaka Hislop is recovering after collapsing on-air prior to a women’s World Cup match. Referees gave the other commentator standing next to him a yellow card.

A Florida sexual predator was arrested just one day in to his supervised release after removing his ankle monitor. He explained that he had to do it, otherwise he could damage the trampolines at Sky Zone.

An illegal immigrant from Cuba who decapitated his girlfriend has been found Not Guilty at trial due to mental illness. His lawyers successfully argued that he lost his head too.

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A Pfizer plant in North Carolina was severely damaged by a tornado. Although it’s a Viagra plant so they expect it to be back up pretty fast.

Wildfires continue to burn in Athens. Water cannons are slowing it down, but they really need lots of baking soda to put out a Greece fire.

Saharan desert dust is blowing across the Atlantic Ocean in to Florida. Although the volume is nowhere near that of the Colombian dust that blows in by the ton every day.

Google is reportedly testing an artificial intelligence tool that writes news articles. It’s code-named “BuzzFeed”.

Khloe Kardashian revealed that she named her ‘camel toe’ Kamille The Camel. Kamille’s humps are reserved for NBA players.

Longtime ‘Happy Days‘ star Anson ‘Potsie’ Williams, 73, married real estate broker Sharon MaHarry at their shared home. “Sit on it!” said Williams as they consummated their love that night.

In-N-Out burger banned employees from wearing masks in five states – Arizona, Colorado, Nevada, Texas and Utah – saying it was to emphasize customer service. Diners in those states familiar with the chain’s “secret menu” can now order items “COVID style”.

The lone $1 billion winning Powerball ticket was sold at a Los Angeles area bodega. There will be one less struggling actor on the Screen Actors Guild picket line.

The National Association of Theatre Owners predict as many as 200,000 people will attend same-day showings of new movies ‘Barbie‘ and ‘Oppenheimer‘. They describe these unique individuals as “terribly, terribly .. lonely”.

A Burger King assistant manager was charged with felony food tampering for mixing fries from the trash can with freshly-cooked fries. She faces a sentence of up to to 20 years in prison, or 10 more years managing a Burger King.

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A chocolate labrador was given $2,000 for its role finding escaped Pennsylvania fugitive Michael Burham and barking at him in the woods. The dog was last seen adopting a female french poodle and buying multiple cases of peanut butter.

A new golf course in New York’s Hudson Valley held its grand opening, then closed due to torrential flooding. Water hazards caused two drownings.

Las Vegas Police searched a home in Henderson, Nevada as part of their investigation into Tupac Shakur’s murder nearly 30 years ago. Cops wouldn’t say what new lead they were following, only that it was a biggie.

Delta Air Lines cancelled a Las Vegas-to-Atlanta flight due to passenger’s illness while the plane waited hours on the tarmac in 110-degree heat. Due to heat exhaustion, they also cancelled the scheduled flight attendant/unruly passenger fistfight.

Regional chain Taco John’s won’t continue to spend millions in legal fees to defend its ‘Taco Tuesday’ trademark in court battles with Taco Bell and others. Instead, they’ll use the money to settle claims with hundreds of food poisoning victims.

An Australian man and a dog were rescued after being lost at sea for three months. The man said they survived on raw fish, and the dog said he survived by biting the man whenever he ran out of raw fish.

Country singer Jason Aldean’s video for ‘Try That In A Small Town’ was pulled from CMT network for its message of using guns to defend your rights. 58 people were murdered by a Las Vegas gunman during an Aldean concert, so he changed the lyrics from ‘Try That In The World’s Largest Tourist Destination’.

University of Vermont fired men’s hockey coach Todd Woodcroft after he sent inappropriate text messages to a student, The messages, where the coach asked about getting in the crease to score, crossed a red line.

Two carjacking suspects were shot by a Philadelphia pizza delivery driver, who was hot and ready.

Goldman Sachs’ profit plunged by 56% in their most recent quarterly earnings report. Executive bonuses plunged from a low eight figures to high seven.

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Environmentalists are concerned that ocean temperatures off the Florida coast now exceed 90 degrees. However, if you move away from the toddlers, temperatures cool off considerably.

After the pilot suffered a medical emergency, a 68-year-old female passenger in a private plane crash-landed it at Martha’s Vineyard airport and both survived. She said it’s the first time she’d driven a vehicle without a rear-view mirror to check her makeup.

Sofia Vergara and husband Joe Manganiello are divorcing after seven years of marriage. Neither are asking for spousal support, but he’s seeking visitation rights to her boobs.

Donald Trump said he’s been informed by a Special Counsel that he’s the target of an investigation to overturn the 2020 Presidential Election. Trump thanked the Special Counsel for the $100 million in donations from dopes he’ll get as a result.

A woman returned to her Philadelphia apartment to find four strange men there. She shot two of them, and asked the two better-looking ones what their deal was.

Lindsay Lohan gave birth to her first child, a baby boy, Luai. He weighed 7 pounds and several ounces of cocaine.

A Japanese steakhouse in Florida was shut down after reports of seven customers sickened by drugs in their food. Cops had to get a second search warrant to obtain samples that the chef flipped into his hat.

Doctors in Long Island’s tony Hamptons say they’ve seen dozens of rich men seeking to enlarge their genitals with penis injections. Doctors also say they’ve given penis injections to their patients’ disappointed wives and girlfriends.

A homeless California woman sleeping in the tall grass of a public park was killed by a landscaping crew’s lawnmower. Her gravestone reads Rest In Pieces.

Japan Airlines will offer weekly clothing rental for travelers who wish to pack light and leave their large suitcases and apparel at home. Visitors from western nations are advised to order Japanese rental clothing six to ten sizes up.

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Following a two-week manhunt, Pennsylvania State Police captured escaped convict Michael Burham, who was spotted after a dog barked at him in the woods. The dog would have stayed quiet, but Burham was out of Pupperoni.

ABC announced 71-year-old widowed senior Gerry Turner as the first ‘Golden Bachelor’. They expect to announce a 35-year-old woman as their first ‘Golden Bachelorette’.

Ford cut the price of their all-electric F-150 Lightning pickup trucks by as much as $10,000, due to slow demand in the Deep South, where customers don’t know why their pickup should have electricity if their house doesn’t.

Disney CEO Bob Iger said he’s considering selling money-losing streaming services. But he’s concerned the buyer will change their mind and cancel after two months.

Police arrested architect Rex Heuermann as the suspected Gilgo Beach serial killer. He’s charged with three murders, although investigators expect to find other load-bearing bodies supporting those.

Country star Jason Aldean ended a Connecticut concert early due to what he called dehydration and heat exhaustion. Roadies attempted to rehydrate him with an intravenous drip of Bud Light but his body rejected it.

A sex therapist tells CNN they see many male patients who said they married a woman without considering them sexually attractive. The therapist said the men should work on communicating their desires, and, as a backup, finding $300.

An experimental drug was found to slow the progression of Alzheimer’s by 35%. The drug is cyanide, and they think they got the percentages wrong.

A Canadian man driving a petroleum truck was fired for pulling a baby moose in to the passenger seat to save the animal from an impending bear attack. Before he was fired, he cancelled a date with a woman he’d scheduled at the next truck stop.

A teen girl from Switzerland defaced the exterior of the famed Colosseum in Rome by carving in to it with a piece of metal. She was questioned by police, who wanted to know exactly what she meant by “for a good time”.

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Disney is pulling back on Marvel & Star Wars content, according to CEO Bob Iger. He cites high production costs, and disappointing ratings for Jersey Shore: Avengers House; and Baby Yoda Meets Honey Boo Boo.

CEO Iger also disputed the idea that Disney sexualizes children. Iger said they identify the talented children, so that they can be sexualized when they become teenagers.

Union actors in the Screen Actors Guild decided to strike, joining Hollywood writers. Unfortunately, TikTok and YouTube “stars” have no plans to stop.

At the UK premiere of Christopher Nolan’s ‘Oppenheimer‘, the film’s stars walked out as a show of solidarity to striking writers and actors; they also freed up three hours of their time that evening.

Temperatures in Death Valley, California are expected to reach 130 degrees – giving local birds a chance to try out new Flamin’ Hot Worms.

India is seeking to become the fourth country to land a spacecraft on the moon, with the Chandrayaan-3 launch. Tbey’re considering manned missions to ensure victory in the first-ever interstellar spelling bee.

Wait times are now significantly shorter at Florida’s Disney World and Universal Studios Orlando theme parks. There are the same number of people in line, but riders are able to step over dozens of people in line who passed out from heat stroke.

A Los Angeles medical examiner determined Lisa Marie Presley died of a small bowel obstruction, or a hunka, hunka blockin’ stuff.

Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner are rumored to be cooperating with Special Prosecutor Jack Smith’s investigations of Donald Trump. Trump is reportedly frustrated with feelings of betrayal toward Ivanka, paired with the usual lust.

A 20-year-old woman is charged with supplying tainted drugs in the overdose death of Robert Deniro’s grandson. Sofia Marks is allegedly known as the ‘Percocet Princess’ – mainly because of the highness.

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The FDA approved Opill, the first non-prescription over-the-counter daily birth control pill, just in time for Back To School shopping.

A rare tornado was spotted near Chicago, with local gangs vowing to unite and shoot it down.

A medical assistant in Philadelphia was charged with stealing patients personal information and buying $30,000 worth of home goods on Wayfair. She’ll spend two years in prison in a cell she describes as ‘shabby chic’.

A medical assistant in Philadelphia was charged with stealing patients personal information and buying $30,000 worth of home goods on Wayfair. She’ll spend two years in prison in a cell she describes as ‘shabby chic’.

Actor Matt Damon said he occasionally “falls into a depression” making movies that may turn out being very good. He says he’s consoled by fans who tell him they fall into a depression watching them.

Actor Tom Holland said he impressed girlfriend Zendaya when he used his handyman skills to fix her broken door. In turn, Holland said she polished his knob.

A gastroenterologist tells CNN that daily bowel movements aren’t necessary, and that the appearance of stools is more important to determining health. He said the healthiest stools are firm and sausage-like, and the unhealthiest still have pieces of the Gordita Supreme wrapper in them.

Police are looking for South American “crime tourists” responsible for a series of burglaries in Wilmington, Delaware. They’re hoping South Americans will help with information, since there can’t be many people who know someone wanting to travel from South America to Delaware.

Seattle vagrants and drug addicts living in a homeless encampment reportedly bought and filled an inflatable swimming pool to beat the summer heat. They’re asking for part-time help skimming the pool of vagrants and drug addicts.

Kim Kardashian told her family she’s planning to be ABC’s next “Bachelorette”. An ABC executive wouldn’t confirm, saying it’s between Kim, and another three-times-divorced single-mother-of-four who actually graduated college.

A scribbled will found in the couch cushions of late singer Aretha Franklin was ruled to be valid. The handwriting was indeed Franklin’s, as determined by an expert examining the document while wearing a gas mask.

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Recent reexamination of early human hunter-gatherer societies conclude that women were active hunters, not just men. Although hunts including women took a lot longer to get started.

NATO allies are expected to approve the inclusion of Sweden – adding that nation’s powerful navy, and unequalled world-class Bikini Team.

Amazon Prime Day kicked off, with two days worth of deals on July 11th & 12th, followed by three days of record-breaking delivery driver heat strokes July 13/14/15.

Viral video shows four scantily-clad women having a spontaneous brawl inside the Wynn Las Vegas hotel. Security eventually broke it up, and the Wynn convinced the women to sign up for three more fights.

A new, damaging ransomware program called Big Head is being spread to PCs via a bogus Windows Update process. Experts say you can tell the Windows Update isn’t real because it takes less than an hour.

Donald Trump is asking for his classified documents felony trial to take place after the 2024 presidential election. And after his felony trial in New York for hush money payments. And after the felony trial he’ll probably have for the fake electors scheme. And after he dies.

Sega of America employees voted to unionize – pissing off thousands of kids now that Sonic the Hedgehog will only chase rings eight hours a day, with multiple mandatory half-hour breaks.

2019 All-Star Chicago White Sox pitcher Lucas Giolito announced that his wife Ariana Dubelko filed for divorce. Giolito has a four-seam fastball, curve, and change-up; Dubelko throws an effective splitter.

Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania published a guide to help determine whether published articles or academic works were generated by Artificial Intelligence. The guide was generated using artificial intelligence .

Psychologists advise people who are “bad” at flirting to use a ‘Triangle Method’ – looking at your desired woman or man’s one eye, then the mouth, then the other eye. Repeat until it works, or until the pepper spray kicks in.