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United Airlines has temporarily suspended the transport of pets in cargo holds, while they work with animal experts to determine the most cost-effective way of killing them.

The Wall Street Journal published results of a 2011 polygraph test backing actress Stormy Daniels’ claims that she had unprotected sex with Donald Trump.  However, her co-stars were devastated when the same test revealed that she’s been faking all of her orgasms.

In Kosovo, leaders of the opposition Self-Determination Movement party released tear gas canisters in parliament to prevent a vote on border markings with neighboring Montenegro. The move is what’s known as a Kosovo Filibuster.

After being identified by Austin police, serial bombing suspect Mark Anthony Conditt blew himself up:

coyote

Melania Trump hosted a roundtable meeting of technology executives at the White House, and addressed public skepticism over her anti-cyberbullying campaign. Her staff then kicked out members of the Fake News before the meeting, which started with 10 minutes of the First Lady hitting Ctrl/F5 before deciding they didn’t need PowerPoint.

A man died in Birmingham, England when he bent down to retrieve his dropped phone at a luxury movie theater and his head was trapped in a reclining chair. He would have texted 911, but was worried he’d be kicked out.

Actress Busy Philipps was hospitalized for sunburned eyes, then was Busy on social media explaining that she isn’t stupid.

The U.K. government issued their ‘Foresight Future of the Sea’ report, saying that the amount of plastic in the world’s oceans will triple in the next decade. While this threatens most sea life, larger sea mammals are excited at getting some new plastic furniture for entertaining.

President Donald Trump called Russian President Vladimir Putin to congratulate him on his election victory, despite receiving national security instructions reading DO NOT CONGRATULATE. Trump was angry at the security leak, but thought the the instructions were for a call to Omarosa after the end of Celebrity Big Brother.

394 pages of documents released during the bankruptcy hearings of The Weinstein Company list all of the parties owed money by Harvey Weinstein — including Jennifer Lawrence, Robert De Niro, Malia Obama, an online Cialis seller, and a maker of plus-size bathrobes.

 

 

 

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Match, parent company of Tinder, is suing its dating app competitor Bumble, saying that Bumble stole Tinder’s ‘swiping’ and ‘women make the first move’ ideas.  Before the matter goes to court, Match, Tinder & Bumble are going out for coffee with their gay friend Grindr to see if they can work things out.

Sex And The City actress Cynthia Nixon is challenging incumbent Andrew Cuomo for the Democratic nomination for Governor of New York State. She’s narrowed her campaign slogans down to “Nixon – A Name You Can Trust” or “I Was The Dumpy One, So You Know I’m Good At Politics”.

An Arizona pedestrian was struck and killed by a self-driving Uber. Worse, the car was texting.

Delta Airlines is apologizing for misrouting a puppy on a cross-country flight. The puppy departed Richmond, VA bound for Boise, ID but was sent to Las Vegas. The puppy was finally reunited with its owner, but was hungover and broke.

Here’s Ivanka Trump preparing for a romantic evening with Jared Kushner as they contemplate having a fourth child:

Ivanka lab photo

Police in Glendale, Wisconsin are looking for a woman who assaulted a McDonald’s employee for putting sausage on her breakfast sandwich instead of bacon. Wisconsin lawmakers responded by approving a bill to train McDonald’s employees in using handguns.

Women’s motorcycle land speed record holder Valerie Thompson survived when her streamlined bike crashed at 343mph. Thompson lost control of the bike when she passed her friend wearing a cute top and tried to flag her down to see where she got it.

Star Millie Bobby Brown tweeted support to a young boy after his sister posted on Twitter that none of his friends showed up to his Stranger Things themed birthday party.  Brown asked for an invite to next year’s party, while police worked to identify the bodies of the invitees who had been eaten by a demogorgon.

Walt Disney World reopened its “Pirates of the Caribbean” attraction, after removing a scene depicting shackled women being auctioned as brides. The scene has been replaced with a ship being hijacked and the crew murdered, along with its renaming to “Somali Pirates of the Caribbean”.

Scientists in South Carolina found that a small daily dose of Viagra reduced the development of colorectal cancer in mice, and made the mice too busy to care about their colorectal cancer, anyway.

 

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Drew Barrymore said she lost 20 pounds for her role as a flesh-eating zombie in the Netflix series Santa Clarita Diet, because someone who only eats protein should look more lean. She’s now working on looking “embarrassed to be taking money” for an upcoming role in a Netflix Adam Sandler movie.

A Trump Organization helicopter carrying Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner from Washington D.C. to New York returned to the airport mid-flight due to an engine failure. They scrambled to get a commercial flight, which they almost missed since Jared’s security risk is so bad he can’t qualify for TSA Pre.

New York magazine said that departed White House Communications Director Hope Hicks tried to leave her job twice before finally resigning last month. Her earlier attempts to leave were thwarted by Sarah Huckabee Sanders blocking the door.

Former Glee cast member Naya Rivera sang songs on Instagram to audition for the role of Maria in a revival of West Side Story. Producers, however, liked what they saw of Rivera’s battery arrest for beating up her husband last year, and cast her in a rumble between the Sharks and the Jets.

Massachusetts State Rep Michelle Dubois is asking to rename the ‘General Hooker Entrance’ at the statehouse – named for Civil War Union General Joseph Hooker -because it’s demeaning to women. Some male politicians support the move, as long as the General Hooker Entrance is replaced with an entrance for Specific Hookers. [h/t to J. Ost.]

A driver in California crashed his car through the front of a Taco Bell in Danville. The driver was fourth in line for medical treatment behind the three people who had just finished their Nacho Fries.

Walmart is partnering with gig-worker startup Handy to offer in-home setup of Walmart furniture – not to be confused with the Handy part-time Walmart employees are offering next to the merchandise pickup bay to help make ends meet.

IBM has created a computer smaller than a grain of salt – that it won’t dare sell to anyone over age 50.

Toys R Us stores – all of which will be closed or sold as the company liquidates – have started clearance sales, leading to some amazing deals, and the most epic fistfights between toddlers that you’re ever going to see.

President Trump tweeted to celebrate the firing of FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe, just two days before he was to collect his pension for decades of government service. Trump then donned a top hat and black cape to await the foreclosure of a dairy farm where the 30-year-old wife can’t make the payments because her husband is away fighting the war.

 

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Former porn star Jenna Jameson shared an Instagram photo of her breastfeeding her 11-month-old son, advocating for normalcy to the act of breastfeeding in public. After the photo shoot, her son took a cigarette break and got a ride to his next job.

Trump will meet with tech billionaire Bill Gates at the White House on Thursday. Gates is expected to unplug Trump’s cable modem, wait 30 seconds, and plug it back in.

Actor Burt Reynolds told the Today show’s Hoda Kotb that he fell in love with Sally Field when Field was seven years old. Reynolds told Kotb he fought with producers who didn’t want to cast her in his movie Smokey And The Pedophile.

Anderson Cooper and his boyfriend of nine years, Benjamin Maisani, broke up amicably, and will share custody of the gym membership and dog.

A Sicilian prophet predicted the arrival of the Virgin Mary at 4:30pm local time on St. Patrick’s Day in a small chapel in southern Germany – the same day and time “pilgrims” said she arrived last year. They say they recognized Mary’s arrival by her “scent of roses”, although that was also the Febreze used to cover up the pasta fagioli lunch.

A group of Toyota engineers in Japan built a free-throw shooting robot that never misses. However the robot brings great shame on his family for his terrible grades.

Stormy Daniels’ attorney told MSNBC that in the wake of her admission of sex with Donald Trump she has been “physically threatened” – and emotionally traumatized by the memory of him in white briefs.

Playboy is introducing a new cryptocurrency that you can earn by interacting with porn, leading one customer to say “I’m rich, but boy is my arm tired.”

Apple is holding an education-focused event on March 27th at a Chicago high school. The American students will be lectured by Chinese Apple employees during their break from junior high school.

Five Pennridge High School students in Pennsylvania who participated in the National Walkout Against Gun Violence received extra detention for going to Dunkin Donuts while out of school. The students’ parents argued that since they all had coffee, they’ve been punished enough.

 

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Microsoft revealed they’ve received 238 gender discrimination and harassment claims over the past six years, many of them citing lewd and vulgar responses to help requests submitted to Clippy the Office Assistant.

Toys R Us stores announced they’re closing or selling all locations and will fully liquidate. Also expected to liquidate? The pants of kids hearing that Toys R Us is gone.

Investment banking giant Goldman Sachs is expected to name David Solomon as their next CEO. Solomon, 56, is a part-time electronic dance dj who works New York and Miami clubs as ‘DJ D-Sol’, at raves which start at 4:30pm and end at 8:30.

Sears is seeking to improve its women’s apparel sales by bringing in the Jaclyn Smith line of clothing from KMart. Sears hopes to regain market share in women’s clothing that it’s been losing to Goodwill and its customers dying.

A new report claims that McDonald’s burgers and fries are higher in calories and salt than they were 30 years ago. McDonald’s disputes the report, saying that can’t be true since the burgers and fries have been in inventory for 35 years.

A new dating app, Waving, allows users to select potential partners by letting you hear the sound of their voice. Executives say the app’s beta is doing well with every category except hot deaf women.

A Minnesota woman was sentenced to a 180-day jail term for fatally shooting her boyfriend in a botched YouTube stunt. Her boyfriend held a book in front of his chest, believing it would stop the bullet. Unfortunately, it was an ebook.

Former ESPN President John Skipper said he resigned after his cocaine dealer threatened to extort him. The dealer said unless Skipper acceded to his demands, he could…go…all…the…way….to Disney CEO Bob Iger.

According to the National Institute on Retirement Security, 66% of millennials have no money saved for retirement. Millennials responded to the survey by saying they’re more interested in using money on experiences – like travel, concerts and homelessness.

Jeopardy! viewers took to Twitter to identify contestant Paris Themmen – who called himself an entrepreneur and backpacker – as the child actor who portrayed Mike TeeVee in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.  Themmen finished second, winning $2,000, a case of Aleve and the heave-ho from weird looking little people.

 

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A ‘flying taxi’, backed by Google co-founder Larry Page, is starting test runs in New Zealand.  So far the biggest issue is passengers falling to their deaths after saying “just drop me off anywhere.”

President Trump addressed the military on Tuesday and floated the idea of creating a “Space Force” to fight future battles in outer space. The Chairman of Fox Entertainment declared the newly debuted Fox Kids cartoon ‘Space Force’ a huge hit.

Renowned physicist Stephen Hawking died at age 76. No cause of death was listed but I mean…come on.

The U.K. will expel 23 Russian diplomats after Moscow refused to explain how a Russian-made nerve agent was used on a former spy in Salisbury, England. The diplomats are said to be stunned over a return to Russia, thinking there’s no way they’d have to live anywhere that the food is worse than England.

The World Surf League has instructed broadcasters televising women’s surfing events to avoid close-ups of the surfers’ crotches and buttocks in high-cut bikini bottoms. Representatives for the broadcasters agreed, and said they’ll try to focus their cameras on the sharks ogling the women from several feet away.

Walmart plans to expand its grocery delivery business – meaning they’ll ask the Frito-Lay and Hawaiian Punch truck drivers to toss stuff on Walmart shoppers’ porches on their way to the stores.

‘Ear seeds’, or auriculotherapy is trending. The treatment derives from Chinese medicine and involves sticking plant seeds on the ear to treat bodily ailments. The treatment can be done at home, but some hospitals have reported treating infections from cheapskates rubbing sesame seed Whopper buns on their ears.

Students nationwide walked out of their high-school classes to protest gun violence. Most protests are planned to last at least 17 minutes — or, longer, if you’re the skinny kid and it’s Dodgeball Week in gym.

A California teacher and reserve police officer trained in gun usage accidentally fired his weapon during a public safety class, sending a bullet in to the ceiling and injuring a student from falling debris. The accidental firing is in dispute, since the teacher’s last words before the gun went off were “I said SHUT UP.”

Ford Motor Company is recalling over a million midsize cars since the steering wheel can become detached, and knock the cell phone out of drivers’ hands.

 

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Tim McGraw collapsed onstage at the Country To Country Festival in Dublin, Ireland – forcing him to cancel the rest of his show. Medics administered a ‘country music I.V.’ of whiskey and tears, and McGraw was stabilized.

Sid Luft, deceased husband of late actress Judy Garland, claims in his memoir that Garland was molested by actors playing munchkins on the set of The Wizard Of Oz. Garland told Luft she knew it was the munchkins and not her other co-stars because there wasn’t any straw, oil or fur on her clothing.

Porn star Stormy Daniels offered to return the $130,000 she received as part of a non-disclosure agreement with Donald Trump’s lawyer. Trump has not responded, but sources say he’d take the money from Daniels, depending on where on her body she hid the check.

Google Maps commemorated ‘Mario Day’ [Mar 10] by allowing the app’s users to navigate as Nintendo’s Mario for the week. So far state police have reported over a dozen drivers plunging to their death attempting shortcuts on Rainbow Road.

President Trump fired Rex Tillerson as Secretary of State, just weeks after Tillerson announced “I’ll here for all of 2018.” Tillerson said what he meant was he’d be at the State Department for all of 2018 more minutes.

President Trump nominated Gina Haspel to be the first female to head the CIA. Haspel’s candidacy faces stiff opposition over her alleged involvement in operating torture sites in Thailand, where inmates were said to have been repeatedly waterboarded in between having to watch Fried Green Tomatoes with her.

Fitbit is launching a fitness tracker for kids. It logs their increased heart rate and how many steps they take running from bullies.

A New Hampshire judge ruled that the woman winning a $560 million Powerball jackpot may remain anonymous. Her name will not be published, but meanwhile there’s an ordinary woman pulling in to a Cumberland Farms in a Rolls Royce wearing a floor length chinchilla coat and a diamond tiara.

A 68-year-old woman on a casual fishing trip in Australia caught a 130-pound fish bigger than herself. Asked the key to making such a catch, she said getting the fish to talk about itself.

President Trump travels to California for the first time as President on Tuesday. He’s expected to visit San Diego to look at prototypes for his Mexico border wall — in case you were wondering why the entire state was out of gold paint.

 

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Police released details surrounding actress Heather Locklear’s arrest. At one point Locklear threatened to shoot the officers at her home, so they conducted a search for guns. None were found, but the cops did find the script for a T.J. Hooker reboot, which was seized and burned.

Retail toy giant Toys R Us may be closing all of its stores for good, that is unless the CEO’s huge tantrum in bankruptcy court ends with him getting his way.

Scientists showed off a robot that can solve a Rubik’s Cube in as little as 38 one-hundredths of a second. The robot has won its inventors lots of free drinks, but still can’t get them laid.

President Donald Trump is tentatively scheduled to meet with North Korea’s Kim Jung Un. Staffers are worried that if Trump wanted a military parade after visiting France, he’ll return from talking with Un and want to execute several U.S. Cabinet members.

Oprah Winfrey dumped a quarter of the shares she owned in Weight Watchers, but will probably gain them all back and then some.

Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen said that he paid $130,000 to porn actress Stormy Daniels out of his own personal home equity line of credit, which seemed like a lot to spend for a backdoor.

A bikini-clad woman rode a white stallion into Miami nightclub Mokai, causing city officials to shut the club down. The horse was found safe, but entered rehab for his pound-a-day cocaine habit.

The Church of Scientology debuted its own cable channel. Executives of the new Scientology Network invite viewers to watch with their family; and if your family doesn’t want to watch with you, leave them.

At South by Southwest, audio manufacturer Bose introduced augmented reality glasses that give wearers an audio summary of exactly what you’re staring at, quietly enough so that your wife or girlfriend can’t hear it.

Customers at The Mill pub in Salisbury, England are being told to wash their clothes and belongings, after exiled Russian spy Sergei Skripal and his daughter Yulia were poisoned with a toxic nerve agent sometime around their visit there. Customers are also being told to avoid the shepherd’s pie. Not on account of the nerve agent, just because.

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Reese Witherspoon launched a plus-size clothing line for women sizes 4 to 6.

Another porn star, Jessica Drake, is speaking out over alleged sexual misconduct by President Trump.  Meanwhile, in other White House staff news, the President’s Fluffer resigned.

The White House released a sex education pamphlet promoting abstinence-only, touting the “benefits of avoiding sex”. Namely, fewer lawsuits.

Two Iowa nursing assistants, women ages 23 and 26, are accused of having sex with patients at a psychiatric facility. To protect their identities, lawyers filing the charges against the women referred to the psychiatric patients only as ‘Deez Nuts’.

Florida’s 2016 Police Officer of the Year Nicholas Worthy was arrested after feces, guns and drugs were found in a search of his ‘disgusting’ home. Worthy tried explaining that the guns were his, but the feces and drugs belonged to his roommate, Rex, the 2017 Police Canine Officer of the Year.

A 28-year-old married Alabama bible school teacher has been arrested for carrying on a months-long sexual relationship with a 17-year-old boy. The teacher faces 20 years in prison, and the teenager is just thrilled to be getting out of bible school.

An American Airlines flight from Brazil was delayed for 27 hours because the pilot got in a fistfight with the agent in charge of the boarding jetway, giving new meaning to the term “Fight or Flight”.

President Trump, attending a ceremony to announce new tariffs, told a steelworker that his father was “looking down on him proudly”, when the steelworker replied that his father wasn’t dead, Trump meant his father was cleaning the balcony.

 

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Health officials are concerned that cheerleaders at a tournament in Texas have been exposed to mumps. Worse, officials have to explain to the dumber cheerleaders that boys don’t like girls with big mumps.

Mattel’s Barbie line is introducing 17 new dolls based on Inspiring Women, including artist Frida Kahlo, who is the first ever Barbie to be packaged with tweezers.

President Trump’s legal team won a temporary restraining order against porn star Stormy Daniels, citing numerous precedents of porn actresses using their keen seduction and espionage skills to disarm dozens of Secret Service agents.

The Florida state legislature passed a bill to increase age and waiting period limits on gun purchases, and includes some security measures to arm teachers. Teachers who want to carry guns must be either former military or law enforcement, Armed Forces reservists, or have completed 40 hours of watching Law & Order reruns.

Flippy, a $60,000 burger-flipping robot, is now cooking food at CaliBurger, a restaurant in Pasadena. The robot has already received two warnings about hitting on the women working the drive thru, and cursed out the manager when he couldn’t get Memorial Day weekend off.

Some Amazon Alexa users are reporting a glitch where the voice assistant suddenly laughs out loud. Amazon is releasing a fix, but in the meantime advised men who own Amazon Echos not to walk around the house naked.

Medical workers in Milwaukee report one of the highest clusters of sexually transmitted diseases they’ve ever seen. Officials are calling the strains Gonorrhea High Life and Syphilis Blue Ribbon.

A 14-year-old boy was arrested for impersonating a sheriff’s deputy after pulling people over in Southern California while driving an SUV outfitted with blue & red lights. Locals suspected something was unusual when the deputy didn’t shoot anyone or use excessive force.

British prosecutors dropped charges against a suspect accused of swallowing drugs, after he refused to defecate for 47 days in police custody. The suspect was released, and two hours later EMTs responded to an explosion reported by neighbors at his residence.

McDonald’s inverted its iconic Golden Arches at one of its restaurants to form a ‘W’ in honor of International Women’s Day. Chief Diversity Officer said the move was “to honor the extraordinary accomplishments of women everywhere — like the ones cleaning our disgusting restrooms for $10/hour.”